how to make amends to the people i hurt

[trappedInn]

Im back...went to rehab and now want my life back. how do i make  amends to my family and friends....especially how do I talk to my best friend that i lied about, hurt, neglected, humiliated, hit and was a monster too.  I miss him and realize that he was a true friend and i destroyed it.....help with some advice.

[road2recovery]

Everyone has given you great advice...One step at a time...

Catuf---  Where have you been??  As always I love reading your post..I am working the steps once again, as i just hit some kind of bump...you always give me alot to think about...Try to come back more often!!  you have been missed!!

[freebird227]

You have been given some great suggestions .Addicts tend to want what we want and we want it now  I'm sure your friend had caught wind of the treatment program  you  attended.  You could show great respect for his needs and  focus on your recovery and when he is ready he will call you. He may need to see you stick and stay with your recovery...............Good luck .........And remember Just for today my thoughts will be on my new associations  who have found a new way of life without the use off drugs NA Text...Blessed Be

[CATUF]

what step are you on?  when i went to rehab they told me "you're in rehab - and you WILL be on step one the whole time you're here."  

the steps are numbered for a reason and they are to be done in order.  if you haven't thoroughly worked the first eight steps, WITH A SPONSOR, then it's not time to worry about step nine work yet.

making amends is a big deal.  although it is quite necessary, we are not ready to tackle that task until the foundations of relationship with god (as we understand him) and self have been laid.

AA's Big Book has a much loved passage that make promises about what will happen when we're ready for and get to mork on the amends required by step nine:

The Promises
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development [step 9], we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

when i was just back from rehab i was so full of shame and fear that they seemed to define me.  trying to do step 9 work then would have been counterproductive for me then.

for those who are not familiar with the steps, they are copied below.  NA's steps are the same, except for step 1 and 12 where NA refers to addiction and addicts instead of alcohol and alcoholics.

it helped me to think of my recovery as a house that i was building.  i had to build from the bottom up -- what good would it do for me to build the second floor when the foundation wasn't even finished?

first things first

CATUF
1321

[Holliee]

Hello
I have been in same place that you are and it's hard but you can do it. Always good to do it face to face but maybe writing a letter also in case your have a hard time getting things out. Sit down and be real and 100% honest even if they are still hurt or mad let them get it out and at that point start fresh

[catmagnet]

Just reinforcing newmanagment and sarah...true friends will accept you no matter what...GL...cat

[cc70]

Well having had 13.5 years clean....I have done amends over the years many times.....I now have 5 days clean (long story but you can read my post) Getting clean and staying clean is the first and best amend you can make. Some amends need time to be made...others need to be made promptly. But if this has been an on and off thing for you direct amends and promisses may be looked at as false and unrelistic (depends how many times this in and out has been for you) Amends are right at steps 8 (making the list) and 9 (making them!) so you should get a sponsor you trust...work the steps in the order they are made....and work on it when you get there....the best amedns is staying clean!!!!!!

[dominosarah]

newmanagement is right.....actions speak louder than words.  Hopefully thinks will work out.        sara

[newmanagment]

the best and only true way to make amends to ya friend is to apologize sincerely. if he is a true, lifelong friend, he will understand. im not sayin he will forgive you instantly, but if you show him love by stayin sober and being the friend you are supposed to be, forgiveness will come in time.