i have a personal question

[lisa983]

i know i have never really told anyone here, or anyone in my life besides my husband my story. its long,, to much to put on this forum. but my childhood was horrible..i am just going to tell u some tramic  things that happened, my dad raped me more times than i can count. till this day i cannot have kids because of the abuse and damage he did to me . he stopped when i was 13, but started when i was about 3 yrs old. i lived with my mom and step-dad. my step-dad was very mean. i was not his kid so he beat the **** out of me almost every day, he would beat me with his belt buckle, to the point where my brusies on my legs would bleed. my mom would watch and do nothing, when i was 14 he went to prison for killing a 16 yr old girl. there were many more things that happened, but to long of a story. but myquestion is, it seems like all my life i self-medicated my self with weed , beer, pills anything to keep my mind off of these things. but now that i have quit all my issues of my past are coming back with a vengance.  any advise?

[jt808]

i dont really no what to say that took alot to come out and tell people that stuff. and i am truly sorry. no one deserves what happaned and u really have to no this its really simple to say but think about it hard and what it is    ITS NOT YOUR FAULT,  ITS NOT YOUR FAULT, ITS NOT YOUR FAULT what was done to u you were to young so please no that cause it really is the truth u are a great person with a bad past as hard as its got to be look at ur brite future and now that u didnt do anything to deserve what happaned u were a victim and they did terriable things but it WASNT YOUR FAULT!!!!!!!!!!!!.  i hope things get easier for u. im sure there are alot of people with similar stories on here with close stories and one thing i no from being on here the past week is that there truly is people that care about people(you) on here so just ask.

[worried878]

self medicating really didnt work either if u think about it...just caused more problems for me as my past came screaming at me when i stopped the pills as well...stuff i did not know bothered me...taling and counseling doesnt work as fast as self medicating in so far as numbing the feelings..but u begin to heal...someone told me that i had to "forgive" the person i felt alot of hate and anger towards...i laughed...NO WAY!  but the more i thought about it it made sense so slowly i did forgive that person..never said the words to the person but within myself i forgave and let go....it was a relief for me..carrying around bad feelings and anger was only dragging me down and the person i was mad could care less...counseling of some sort would help or at least maybe try it...it couldnt hurt.....good luck to u in letting go,...there is a book i read called "the language of letting go"   be safe

[mel1022]

First of all I want you to know that I am sorry for the horrors that have happened to you.  I had a traumatic childhood as well and although i couldn't imagine the pain you have suffered I can relate to what you said about once you stopped using all the issues came back.  Thats something I have been struggling with for a long time as well.  It seems when I stopped using all I want to do is cry and all I can think about are the things that have happened in my past.  It makes recovery that more difficult.  Who wants to feel like that all the time?  I can tell you what helped me and I have a really hard time trusting or confiding in people.  I started going to NA.  The people there are amazing.  You can talk to them anytime day or night.  Someone is always there for you.  It's free and you are around people who have been where you have been or worse and have survived.

[HelpinUtah]

Sweetie:
Life has thrown you some extremely difficult situations to say the least and I admire you that you are getting yourself together by being clean!  I believe many of us abused because of emotional issues from our past or present.  I agree that if you could find a therapist that you can relate to that you can be honest with completely and allow that person to help you heal - you can overcome the anger, hurt, betrayal, and all those other emotions that are happening right now and are coming to the surface again!  I know you can do this - please just BELIEVE in yourself and give yourself time to heal!  You can do it!  My prayers are with you that God will help you to accept the past and move forward to a new and rewarding life! You deserve it!  I believe much happiness can be yours if you will let someone help you!!!

Like I said, you are in my prayers!  Lots of love to you hun!!!!

[lisa983]

thankyou for all your post, not sure what i am going to do. but i know i need to let this go. but i don't know how.. anyways thankyou for everything. i hope u all have had a great day...
love,
lisa

[godguidesme]

I have had alot of trauma in my childhood not as much as you. but enough. my kids think my mother is dead she lives about 15 min away. i had to get professional help. i had to let go of the past, and live for now.  its hard but can be done but it has to be done when your clean. it doesnt work if your not. i will keep you in my prayers God bless

[princess2000]

I would agree you need a good understanding psyciatrist that you can spill everything to and trust.  It is true, you can not change the past, but you do have your entire life ahead of you!!!  Do not look back, move forward.  Praying for you!!!!!!  It may take some time, but do not let that sorry son of a b**** win!!!!!   You take control of the wheel.  The ball is in your court!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Mandapanda17]

I think you do need to find the right person to talk with about it, someone who can help you get past....the past. We have to live for the future, thats about all I've gotten out of my psyciatrist so far. A lot of times we use because we've never dealt with past emotions or traumatic events in our lives. Which means when we stop, all those feelings come back! I've been watching Celeb. Rehab a lot, Dr.Drew seems to touch on this subject often. We have to figure out a way to deal with our emotions and past in a healthy not harmful way. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I'll pray for you and I hope you find a 'good' doctor to talk to that you can feel comfortable with :)

[10356]

You have to get to the point where You are ready to let go of the past for things to move forward...

[10356]

I agree with wildwoodone seek professional help it was the only thing that had helped me.. I never though I could be Happy " straight" due to very powerful memories myself as a child... I have since learned the guilt I carried dose not belong to me and the anger I had was preventing me from growing....Professional help is the only recourse you have to learn how to live with your memories...  warmly lesa

[persnick38]

First of all, I am so sorry that you have had to suffer so much in your life. I too think that you should seek some professional counseling. I know you say it hasn't worked in the past but were you clean and sober when you tried before? If you were still self-medicating, you were not really able to open up and focus on healing emotionally b/c you were still masking your feelings. Also, you have to find a therapist with whom you are comfortable. It takes awhile to develop the rapport with a therapist  you need to be able to share such intimate and painful details of your life. I really urge you to keep looking for a professional to help. Dealing with these issues once and for all will help you to stay clean. No, you will never forget everything that happened but you will learn ways to cope with with the painful memories and to move forward in life rather than always looking back. I'm not just saying this for the sake of saying it. I know this from experience. I will pray for you.

[wildwoodone]

You are NOT too messed up.  The key is to find someone who you feel comfortable with and have a connection with.  The right professional is out there.  You can be fixed!!  Just keep the chin up!

[lisa983]

the thing is, i have tryed psychiatrist, therapist. nothing worked, except self-medicating. i am probley to messed up for anything to help at this point. and i have felt these issues all my life. its not like it just started.

[wildwoodone]

Since you are feeling these issues for the first time, I think you need some proffessional help to see you through such as a psychologist or psychiatrist.  This stuff is above and beyond the help you can get from a forum.  Good luck and what I can do is say a prayer for you.