i switched because i thought why not lets see...unbelievable i hadnt done it before this moment---but i hadnt talked to anyone away from it...i never heard it or thought --- all i thought is they killed me.....so i tried and i started imagining in my mind what if it doesnt matter really. what if it is true that actually these people dont care about the storey no matter how bad they not even read it----they just care for me my welfare and for my kids sake and wife sake i need to stop the negativity and the anger..and also these same people who would hound me for their work rang me back a few times durinjg the day-----not for updates on the storey---but to make sure i was ok and for guidance that i needed to forget all that and just focus on my family....so my thought shifted and i slowly saw they maybe i am making it worse and all my anger i take out on my poor wife..over and over the same anger and hurt,,...and i was blaming everyone but myself for the reason we couldnt move on....so during the night i realeased they were right my wife was right i couldnt believe it.......i could just let it all go...during the last 5 weeks the anger and hate was always there even if i was in a non argument
time-the anger was always ready to explode----my wife i can now see and appreciate in hindsight was afraid of tiny thing might make me explode and i couldnt stop till i hurt so much....and then i couldnt believe i hurt that much and would say sorry literally as im saying i dont mean to hurt you like that.....
but now i realise my anger hurt and negativity was killing me and giving us no chance......it was such a weight off my shoulders to think it doesnt matter...nobody cares about the storey and if they do it still doesnt matter what matters is me my wife and my kids and nothing else matters....nothing i kept telling my self all night...then 5am i thought i test myself i thought i go to facebook and see how i go....it was a test cause the last 5 weeks i just went there looking for hurt and anger so i just went there and started looking....i new where i could find the hurt....and by now when i went looking for hurt it was just scrolling up and down and my mind smowballing it all together it was alot of hurt.
but i just looked at it for what it was......a sentence a moment in time, nothing, and if that one moment was addressed right then that moment is lost and most were nothing, and the others if they hurt it didnt really matter and maybe i deserved actually i did....some of it and some of it well it shouldnt of happened but it did and really it doesnt matter...it doesnt matter...all that mattters is love of my wife and kids.......so i keep looking and started seeing in between the hurt stuff and i found stuff that was full of fun and laughter and love and happiness and i was there in her thoughts and if i looked for what it was i found our happiness my kids happiness and found our love.....unbelievable i just dropped tha hate and anger i didnt care and if people cared i didnt care and if people thought different it didnt matter what matter was the kids
so now i havent seen the family and kids in since monday---its wednesday night we have talked on the phone and agree its still delicate but that i can come home...i ve been sitting in this chair for 48 hours doing meth and coke and im feeling tingly crampy and little shakey - i have a big moment coming in an couple of hours...maybe 8 oclock i go through the door.....but i scared i look terrible...i look ill,..........and no one knows the underlying truth
the underlying truth with ruin me and my beautiful family
i cant reveal that truth to my wife she will be devasted and leave as its not something she would ever tolerate.
i am going to stop i just need to survive have a shower and sleep and move forward for my kids i have to.. I wish i felt better so i can arrive with some flowers and give a hug and a kiss but i feel like a the low life druggie i am.its so bad i just cant do it.
i must stop now.
but greatful he atleast was there....but i keep asking do you read this bit what about that bit and did you get your wife to translate this bit....he was calm and answered not in a way that would lead him to say man you got to stop this for the sake of you....and i understood a little but i want him to join me in anger...
then during the day to work aquaintenance ive known for a long time rang --they normally hound me to finish there jobs..and today was no different..but i new em well enough and i thought it was finished that my wife left with the 4 kids so i gave em the storey...but as soon as they got a grasp there focus was on caring for me...work stopped....i keep going on about the story....they kept saying you got to stop this negativity whether its real or not itll kill you....still i thought thet my storey was killing me
then i had another argument over phone and text with my wife, and again my anger and negativity exploded and she was accusing me of being ill, mentally ill, i was saying it was her who made me mentally ill...she just said she wanted the old me back....she keep saying i am destroying myself with all this negativity, i say its you you cause all this not me....then went to my office and it seemed lost i could get over that she couldnt give me that it was her....but i was think of the 2 friends i rarely speak to who talked about the negativity, man get rid of the negativity it'll kill you destroy you and it kind of clicked then with what my wife was saying.....and so i had to think, that maybe maybe it could be me. they were all sayin the same thing 3 different people who didnt know each other the storey was gone the negativity around it all had formed and massive bomb that would explode at the tinest thing....it had been building and building with 5 weeks of pain...and everywhere i looked i kept digging...digging for hurt, digging for hurt to hurt myslef and then later the same hurt i will add more to it...it was so huge.....my wife was right, i was killing myself with all this negativity...she had been telling me that for a week maybe more----but i couldnt accept it----i thought it was her way out to blame me....but then2 others said the same thing and all they cared about was me i literally started to see if this was true...and i sat here as i do now and i like flicked a switch
my wife has moved back to the office we made big progress and we i have finally realised that i was carrying all this hate and anger....unbelievably ive just let it go...i dont care about any of it---before i couldnt believe noone understood my side understood my pain --- and cause of that i was angry and hurtful and it wouldnt go away
now unbelievable the words of some didnt want to hear my storey that didnt care about my storey but i had to let people know the truth of what was happeniong...let them know myside of the storey--because i thought now it was over but atleast they will get the truth...........and you know what these people did...these people didnt want to know the storey they didnt care for the storey---they cared only about me nothing else--they seemed so brief at first...call me now you need to talk to me......i was no i got to tell all of my storey...but for 5 hours or more he kept asking me to call me...pick up your phone where are you....i kept typing till it was all out relieved that atleast someone might understand my anger....then i look for my phone...and he was still trying to ring me...so i answered releaved myside of the storey be known......but he was calm and quiet and was there, there for me, he was worried for me....he didnt care about the story he care about me...and i was appreciative...but then i still hadnt got it
Never apologize for speaking your truth or asking for help. You are worth much more than that. Now it's time for you to start believing that. You have to start seeing your situation as it really is. Put yourself in your wife's shoes and imagine having to be her and deal with you and your drug issues and all that it brings to the table. She knows she can't force you to quit...you admit it. I always say, we all have a right to "wallow" or "feel sorry" for ourselves when life throws us a sh*tball BUT that time needs to be brief; or it overtakes and burdens you that much more trying to get yourself "up" and moving.
I am 184days clean today and I have to tell you that my husband couldn't even look at me for years before I got clean; the disgust and contempt for me on his face was brutal! And.....I wallowed in self pity over and over and over about it.......the pain was excruciating for me. Now things are different, they're not 100% better by any means and what I'm going to say might surprise you but, now! when I have to deal with him being cruel or indifferent , I don't "wallow" F*ck no! I get angry and It just makes me want to show him I deserve better. When I was doing drugs, I'd just want to go do more drugs when he made me feel bad. Wtf man, why the h*ll was I punishing me? Uh uh!
You need to get to a place where you like yourself and can have some self pride. But first you need to start being honest with someone there that can help you, preferably a physician.
You need to do some research on what these drugs are doing to your mind too hon, have you ever done that? That was a big thing for me while I was using.....My brain just didn't work the same anymore and it was really scaring me.
Just call a physician then flush your drugs. Prayers for strength.
thanks for wading through - i apologize for going on...i should of been more brief...like help....i know the answer....i have to help myself...........im like i cant change i can stop...but how did get rid of the life long romance thoughts how.
they are always there and never go away.....and the better i feel and the healthier i am then i feel the closer i am to go back...now i have got one week supply left...not good i need to stop now.
but say i have a good sleep and meal and a day or so...i will be back at work and a line of meth will help..i cant throw it away
Hi there and welcome back. Man, you have got your plate full friend!
First off, congrats on bringing yourself back to the forum for help. I'm very glad you are here again. I was reading your past posts and came to notice that I was the last person that replied to your posts early January. I also noticed that I may have come off a little harsh. I'd just like you to know that I have felt and acted exactly like you at some of my lowest points in my life. Friend, I tell you honestly from my soul, this way of working through your emotional pain; with self pity and fatalistic romanticizing WILL be the death of you. I feel terrible for you that your life path has taken you to experience these hardships and heartaches. Life certainly can seem very unfair sometimes,
Your best course of action to help yourself now is to get medical support for stopping these drugs. You will be able to handle what's going on around you so much easier with a clear mind. Your mind can't possibly be functioning well right now.
I know it's hard to hear but you have played a part in the "fall" of your surroundings and it's time to own up to it and take positive action for yourself. That's the only way to salvage your future relationship with your family. This is your rock bottom friend, acknowledge it and start climbing back up to reality.
I don't have experience with your doc but someone else here will be able to guide you. This is an awesome place to be for help and I pray you get it. Keep posting and reading. You have my support.....I pray for your strength.