i think i will die

[tttrrra]

why begin here when the answer to my question is so easy
sad yes
selfish i suppose
much to live for yes
happy no
then why?

[spider6]

Ditto what Kyle said!  You need to step up man, I absolutely feel you're romanticizing your illness. Ya I've been where you are different doc but same mindset, it's bullsh*t!  You are being selfish, yes.  Now what?  You need to look at this for what it is, ball-up and do the right thing.  You are the patriarch of your family and need to start acting accordingly.  You need professional help man, you have at least 5 other human beings depending on you to stay alive and well.  Oh ya, here's a thought, what if you don't die from what you're doing now but you become incapacitated and a burden on your family......it's a different perspective.  

I pray for you bud, deeply......please seek immediate help.  You are not thinking clearly.   Bless you

[ariley13]

That feeling of being torn is so much a part of addiction and we all feel it. It's out addict brain tearing us down and lying to us so we will continue to use. It sounds like you desperately need some support. Would you consider inpatient treatment? I know you don't want to tell your wife, but I'm sure she would understand and be a lot more receptive if you were actively seeking help. I'm sure she knows something is up. As addicts we always think we are fooling everyone when usually we are just fooling ourselves. If not inpatient rehab, then what about going to some NA meetings? Now is the time to make a change. It just takes one little step in the right direction to begin your journey to a clean and sober life.

[tttrrra]

i used to think about my kids when i first relapsed- they are beautiful, (and i would cry to myself that they need me and that is how i reached the point 4months ago- but cause that didnt work in stopping me it makes me more worried)
so that why i say selfish-yes

The kids suffer i suppose cause i go out to do my thing when i could be taking them places and then i get home and am too sick (highandlow)- and i do the wrong things like drive with them in the car. I dont know - im not a crazy addict - im just a stupid addict - but i get bye and no one knows - i function fine-for the most part.
I am here writing this cause i know exactly what i need to do. Exactly. Yet i am to weak do it forever confuses me.
How can you suceed. if you dont want to.
Why should you if you dont think you can.
it confuses me - i am sick - i need help(just myself helping myself would do) - but i am too scared to try and too afraid not to-cause i feel death.

[ariley13]

Well, if you don't want to stop, unfortunately there is nothing we, your doctor, or even your family can do to make you stop. I have a feeling you have some desire to quit otherwise you wouldn't be here on an addiction/recovery forum. You are going to be the one that has to take the first step and reach out for help. You have to do the work seeking support and working your recovery or it never will stick. I really hope that you decide you are worth getting help. I think saying that you will die instead of even attempting to get help is taking the easy way out. You owe it to yourself and to your family and  loved ones to at least give this a serious try.

[tttrrra]

Are you wanting help to quit?

that question i dont know the answer. But sadly and unfortunately i think the answer is no - so that is why i think i will die...it my brain is wired into drugs - i do it just for me and just by myself and now i can always get it.ALWAYS. In the past i could loss touch with my supply-now i never will not matter where i am...so i know i should stop.....dont think i can....but now cant get be in a place anywhere where i cant (thats now a big difference then the past-where moving away from sources meant i can return to health)

About 4months ago though, i reached that point were i thought this is silly and stupid, and i have a doctor who i have seen for long time-he help me when i gave up what seemed like for good about 7years ago...he got me on efexor 450mg /day cause my anxiety was terrible in my job....but i made it through that terrible realworld experience (kind of) and i would see him every 3months or so to renew the script.
So i told him about the situation maybe 4months ago as my heart was a worry and i wanted help and he said you are going to need a lot of support, but i cant help you anymore!!---well that kind of broke my heart that day--but he referred me to the clinic and i did one or 2 days counselling over maybe 2months----same thing- tell my story and then i think  is this working....and follow up phone calls and missed apppointments
i guess the thing with stimulants i dont get so sick if i miss a day or 2 but feel better and start thinking how much i want it and how good it will be and everything is ok-just sometimes i never have the 1 or 2 day break......and thats when i worry about dying cause im not getting high then and having to use too much - but it feels like a battle to stay alive......

I dont know what to do - so now i think i will die - cause i cant stop

[Jenny9906]

I agree with ariley...if you want to quit, this place is so amazingly supportive! I would definitely talk to a dr...about your general health and also a plan to help you quit if you so desire. Don't be afraid to be open with your dr...they have heard it all before, and then some! You have young children who need you in their lives...whether you feel they do or not, they DO! Just think about how if you weren't around anymore, they are too young to Really know who you are...just what their mom and others tell them of you.  I'm sure if you really think about that, you will cringe...cry...and maybe gain some incentive to make the changes you need to. I hope you stick around here to get some support, and that you make the choice to get clean.

[ariley13]

Are you wanting help to quit? We can certainly offer you advice and plenty of support and encouragement. Can you visit the doctor to have tests done to check your heart and general health? It's important to be honest with the doctor. If you are able to, I would get checked out as soon as possible. Better safe than sorry in a situation like this. The doctor may also be able to offer you options and advice on quitting, and treatment plans.

[tttrrra]

its a year long relapse into crack and meth - and no ones knows
but i have a family i have kids 4 with the oldest 6 and youngest 1 week
i have my a job but i my own boss and so i mostly alone so i can do what i do
my wife wants to leave - she doesnt know - she you about my past history of using - but that was before we met - so she said she would leave if she ever found me using drugs..
what worries me is my heart cause everyday it hurts with pain through left side of body.

[ariley13]

Hi there. What's going on? Please keep talking. We are listening.

[VICourageous]

Reach out for Support in all areas of your Life..We can not walk this Journey alone..I wish you peace.
Bless