memory

[susanlea]

Ok guys I need your help on this one! Most of you now of my ex's addiction to oxy's and now on uncontrolled amounts of methadone. My question is, can these pain killers affect your memory? He thinks he's been giving me over $3500 a month for the past 2 years. Number 1 he wasn't living with me 2 years ago. Number 2 he doesn't make that much, plus has child support of over $1200 a month. I figured out the average he gave me while living here was around $600 a month, plus when he was off work for 3 months because of his addiction, I paid his bills and child support, plus the house, car insurance and everything else. He says we were only together 2 years, we were together almost 6 years! He swears he's given me presents he never gave me.  I really don't know what to make of all this, he's telling me again, his addiction had nothing to do with our problems, that it was all my fault. Gosh, this is getting weirder all the time, he called me the other night asking me to get somethings for him to wire some intakes at his parents house. He already has all this stuff, he moved it to his parents house 6 months ago. I asked him if he wanted to talk to me, he said he had to think about it. He'll  call, but not talk, nothing specific. Came by the other day, said he wanted to see the dog, and just hung around. Am I the one losing it here!? Or have all the drugs over the past 25 years affected the way he thinks? Thanks guys, I really don't understand where he's coming from.....Love Susan

[Wizard]

Susan, drugs would definantly affect ones thinking proccesses, but remember he COULD have selective memory also.when we addicts are using and really hurting we will say and do anything to feed our habit. It is not uncommon to have period blackouts also. If he's under the influence while you are having these conversations anything could be going through his head. Above all, I don't think you are the one losing it. Keeping you in my prayers,
Power & Magick 2 U,
Peace & Light on us all,
Wizard

[susanlea]

Thank you Wiz. Sometimes I do feel like it's me losing it. It's been just about 3 months since he left. The boys and I are ok it just feels strange after all these years. I found out a couple of weeks ago he was using oxy's along with the methadone. I also heard that he was no closer to weaning off the methadone than he was 3 months ago, of course he denies everything. Funny thing is the nurse at his Dr.s office told me. I don't know why he feels he needs to lie to me. I almost get the feeling he went away to try and get himself together. He left just about everything he owns here, and has made no attempt to get it. He has been calling lately every couple of days are so. He's worried I'm going to run off and get married. I don't know why he's so worried about that. I'm 43 and I'm not even dating anyone, I need time before I would see anyone else. He just seems a little paranoid about things. And his favorite thing to say is "I don't know". I have never seen anyone in such a state of confusion. When we met he was just doing drugs once in awhile recreationally, maybe once amonth. I just can't figure out how all this happened. He was such a great man. I pray he will be alright. I pray he will not die. I pray that he'll get it together. Time will tell.....Love Susan

[Wizard]

Susan, I really feel bad about the situation you have. Being on the outside looking in I probably have a different perspective than you do because I have no emotional attachment. Have you confronted him with your knowledge? You KNOW addicts that are using can be the most convincing liars. I just would hate to see you fall for it again after you said you were starting to miss him less and less. ( I hope I have the right story here) If he was really making the effort to detox and I mean by getting in a program for real then I would feel better about you trying to salvage the relationship, but it appears that he is just hanging on as long as you enable him too. I hope you don't think me cold, I'm just trying to be realistic. Doesn't mean I'm right, just my opinion Susan. I pray for you and your family daily and will continue to pray that you can see through the fog if there is any. You must do what's right for you and the children. Above all things THE CHILDREN! That IS the most important thing. Again MY opinion. May Gods Peace be with you Susan. You are in my heart and prayers.
You ARE alright for sure! :-)
Power & Magick 2 U,
luv,
Wiz

[J.B. to Brian and Vicky]

The key part of your post is that he blames you for everything. That's manipulation to the N'th degree. We addicts are not good con men, we are marvelous! If and when you get fed up with all of his "crazy making", talk to someone in ALANON.

I've met some of these people and they scare the Hell out of me! They have a way of cutting an addict to the bone and exposing them to reality(and improving the memory)bigtime. J.B.

[susanlea]

You both are right! I should know better after all the lies, the verbal and emotional abuse, the stealing of my pain meds. I don't believe he's hanging on to me because he cares, I believe it's because he literaly has no one else. Unfortunately, I have a tendency to forgive. JB, thank you. I am in Al-anon, I have learned a great deal, but can always learn more. I just want to believe him. After detox last year I really believed it would be ok. He was only in 5 days, 6 weeks of meetings. After relapsing, he blew his sponser and the meetings off. He refuses any help. He wants no sponser, no meetings no rehab. He says he can do this on his own. Too bad his Dr. keeps giving him methadone every week. I have heard that addicts try several times to get off of the stuff. Then relapse. Until they really want to quit. But his memory really bothers me. He gets everything mixed up, time, place and content. Sometimes it's alittle freaky because he seems to really believe what he says. Thanks guys, Love Susan

[cindi]

AWW Susan,  I feel so bad for you and your situation...however I do agree with both JB and Wizard....about your ex being under the influence and not thinking straight, the selective hearing etc....and of course the famous I'll turn everything around and put the blame of someone else..and they both are right about us addicts being marvelous cons.....and manipulators...when I was sponsoring people and I knew they were not being honest I used to tell them, "you can't con a con....my grandpa used to go to AA and take my gramma  and he would tell everyone there he did not have the problem,,,my gramma did      I liked what Wiz said about enabling....please hon,,,,you are torturing yourself...talk to someone  go to alanon.....you are in my prayers and thoughts     love to all   cindi

[Milo]

Lea, you've already gotten better advice than I could ever give. Stay strong, and listen to what your heart tells you. Not the romantic heart, but the heart of wisdom and self-knowledge.  I don't want to try to tell you what the right answer is -- but I have confidence that 1) you already know the answer, and 2) you'll be wise & firm in making the choices you face. May you find peace in your life soon -- Milo

[Thomas]

Hi lea, my good friend,
You know, we've talked about all this in one form or another before. If you were on oxy and an "uncontrolled quantity of methadone," what kind of shape would you expect your mind to be in? I don't know how else to say it. This man is on self-destruct. The only question is, is he going to have company while he progresively deteriorates and destroys everything in his life? Don't fall for this guys lame excuses to "see the dog." Give me a break. If life means anything at all to you, save yourself, please. Lock him out of your life FOREVER. In the final outcome, he doesn't really care if he continues to know you or not, and I think you know that.

Love,


Thomas

[Kerrie]

Hi Lea,
   I know I can't add anyhting more than what's been said. But this sounds so much like my daughter. She manipulates me with promises all the time. But I'm getting strongerand wiser thanks to my friends here. She can be an angel when she wants something.She tells me everything I want to hear. But the bottom line is ,she's sick and she's lying. I want her to go to AA or some kind of help program. But she hasn't made a move yet since she saw her probation officer and got out of that problem.
   I can't shut her out of my life Lea,but I'm learning to say no. Now I tell her" don't tell me, show me".
   Forgiving him is right Lea. Like Jesus said " Seven times seventy". But that doesn't mean take him back and let him hurt you and use you. He's sick. But he needs to do something about it and untill he does, the lies will keep coming. I know what you mean about him believing his own stories. My daughter does that. Then she can't remember the things she says and does. I'm in belief that is conveniant amnesia a lot of the time.
   Stay strong and keep him out of your life. You've come a long way. You can do it.
     Your in my prayers,
        Kerrie

[susanlea]

I guess I just needed to hear it from someone else. I know I hold on to the idea that things could work out, he'll get help; he'll get straight. I know unless he works a program, he never will. I really appreciate each and everyone of you, for your support and honesty. My kids and I have been doing well, life has taken on new meaning. I can sit in the back yard, watch the kids, the dogs, and nature and actually notice everything around me, how great it is. For 2 years my life was so wrapped up with his addiction and his actions, I don't think I ever really saw what was happening at the time. I don't have any problems sleeping, eating, working. In fact my production at work has really increased. I'm in telecommunications sales for a major cable co. and WOW! I'm making all kinds of money since he left. My focus has been on my job, not so much him. My children are much happier. People tell me I look much happier and healthier. I didn't realize how my health was suffering while I was obsessing about his life. I will be ok, I think I'm strong enough to do this. I have told him in the past, no program, no rehab, no sponser, no relationship. I don't want to mislead you, he has never said a word to me about getting back together, he just calls, and comes by infrequently. I know I need to get him to come get all his things, so I can finally have closure. It feels like maybe he just went away for awhile, to get his act together as he says, then come back, after making me feel like it was all my fault. I think he wants me to ask him to come back. No way! I just want him to get off this kick, about worrying I'm going to marry someone and ruin my life. First you have to meet someone you like, before that could happen. I hope I don't sound conceited when I say this but I'm nowhere near ugly as he says. I'm 43 but book 33. I'm 5'9 125lbs, toned, long blond hair, I've beem told I look a little like a young Morgan Fairchilde. But he views me as being old and ugley, unapealing, and I believed in for awhile. I has no self esteem left. I'm financially good. I have a nice home on an acre. I have a nice car, I'm doing very well for a single mom. He lives with his mom and dad, no real money. I gave him a fairly new vehicle. He looks like he's 5o, out of shape, long, long hair which he's losing and turning gray. He's now alittle over weight. He has very bad skin. He is a little scary looking at first. He's part Asian, part black. He looks like a heavy metal musican. We look like night and day. But he was a great man, he used to be kind to me and my kids. I really thought we would have a life together. I really loved him. But addiction has it's way of ruining everybodies lives. Thanks again for listening to my obsessions, and my Only If's. I don't mean to sound self-pitying or a victim. I realize I did this to myself. He had no power over me, except what I gave him. You guys will keep me right........Thanks for being my friends....Susan

[J.B. to Brian and Vicky]

I'm sorry about my Alanon advice. I didn't know you have already been seeking their help. Stay on course the best you can during these trying times. I just want to let you know that my wife never gave up on me, though we went our separate ways several times. I was a class act ******* for the better part of our marriage but have changed my ways. Deep down, I always knew that I was the "bad guy"...and it showed! Today I am trying to make amends by being good, which was my promise to her. I think that she has forgiven me for my past sins...but her memory is uncanny! Whatever happens is God's will, not your's if you believe in the 12 step programs. Just do what's best for you first and the rest will fall into line eventually, by God!

I wish that I could be more helpful but my liver is giving me fits today and I can't stay focused.  J.B.

[cindi]

Hi Hon,,,,I am so very sorry for all you are going through...love... a very difficult and painful thing sometimes...and very sad as well..Like Jb said above  what happens is God's will....it is very hard sometimes to turn our lives and will over to the care of God..as you know him....I have no words of wisdom,  no great words of comfort but, I do however have words for you from one woman to another,  one that is so deeply in love with a man that it scares me at times....I can honestly though tell you what I would do to protect my self and my children,,,my kids especially.....just because you deeply love this man   you are under no obligation to subject yourself to his addiction,,,the verbal abuse, the manipulation and lies etc....one day hon, you will realize this,,,and you will, through the grace of God be able to severe all ties with this guy,,,,this takes time,,,,when a relationship ends, we must mourn it like a death....grieve for it and then get on with life....cut him off,   no contact, none at all...but this will all happen in time,,when you no longer can take the pain, etc...I think I have talked to you before about the grieving process and it is applicable to raltionships as wel...My thoughts and prayers are with you     love to all      cindi

[Thomas]

don't wait for him to come get his things. Box'em up and have them shipped to his parent's house. Get rid of this flea for good!


all the best,

Thomas

[Kerrie]

Hi Lea. Nice to hear you sounding more positive. Hey you sound beautiful. The fact that he aint to purty just shows it's the beauty on the inside you see. Keep looking. The right man is out there. But like J.B. and Cindi said ,God is important and my life  was going nowhere without Him. Make Him Mr. Perfect because  He is the only perfection there is. But you know that already. But He can put someone in your life that will be good to and for you and your children. But I believe the 12 step program J.B. mentioned will make you strong in many ways. First, give yourself a chance to heal from this relationship. Mr Right is out there and from your description of yourself I don't think you have to worry about it. But it's your inner beauty that I can tell you have that's the best. Hang in there. Your in my prayers.
    God Bless,
        Kerrie  (PS) I would describe myself but I know too much laughter can cause pain !!!!

[Milo]

"Too much laughter can cause pain" ...Kerrie, you are a hoot! Thanks for a much-needed laugh this A.M. (And I'm sure what you say about yourself isn't really true!)
lea -- Above all, don't let anybody's lies or judgments distort your sense of who you really are, physically, emotionally, or otherwise. As they say, "consider the source." No one who would constantly tell someone else how ugly/fat/undesirable/etc. they are is worth listening to anyway! Stay strong. Blessings -- Milo

[Kerrie]

Hi Milo,
    I thought since I had a good laugh the other night I would share with you all.
    My husband had a virus this week and was hospitalized for it,thinking it might be his appendix. That's not the funny part.
He got up during the night to get some phenegran for his nausea. Later I got sick and needed some phenegran and he went to get it for me. He couldn't find it. I asked him did he put it back in the same place. He just looked at me strange. I asked him what was wrong. He said he took my lasix by mistake. They looked like them he said. He took 80 mg. of lasix. I laughed untill I was in pain. He was up all night peeing. Everytime he got up to pee I laughed my head off. I'm glad he didn't take something that would hurt him. But that taught him a lesson. He will never take another pill without reading the label. But it sure was funny this time. But he's fine now. Although he didn't see the humor I did.
    Talk to you later.
          God Bless,
            Kerrie

[Milo]

"He didn't see the humor but I did." If laughter is the best medicine, I should be in good shape right now! Thanks for a good start to this Saturday morninng! -- Milo

[cindi]

That's too funny....now here's one for you   my husband did the same thing but....he thought he was taking ultram and really it was my mom's ambien...he took like a total of 6 through out a 8 hour period and couldn't figure out why he was still in pain and why the "ultram" was making him tired when it usually didn't..I really did think he was just saying he was tired cuz he didn't want to do dishes....LOL        what a hoot they are,,,,Love ya  kiddo    cin.

[Thomas]

lea,

you're scaring me now ... you're sounding like the typical lonely victim woman trying to convince herself to get together again with this absolute *******. What words can I use? PARASITE? LOSER? Please do what I sugggested ... pack up his stuff and have it shipped to his parent's house. Then he doesn't have any reason to come over, does he?

Or, maybe you haven't had enough punishment yet. Maybe you need to have what's left of your life totaly destroyed by this non-entity.

Lea, please see a psychologist now. You're trying to talk yourself into this same horror show you just got out of. For the love of God -- WAKE UP!
PLEASE TELL ME WHAT TO SAY, BECAUSE i'M FRESH OUT OF IDEAS.

Don't you want a good life? A good man who loves you?

Please tell me what to say to wake you up. We shouldn't even be hearing about him anymore ....

Love,

Your Distressed Friend,

Thomas

[cindi]

Kerrie   first of all I gave you a face as well,   ok ready?  you are a redhead..not too bright though and green eyes...fair skinned and freckels like a true redhead..LOL   you are absolutely beautiful.....actually, I really don't give a hoot what anyone here looks like but it is easier for me to type when I have a face in my head....so, i said it once and I'll say it again  I can be a real dork sometimes..and lea....sometimes, no all the time I wish i could say things more like Thomas...he is soooooooo  right...hon, you are ruining your life and i know in my heart you are well aware of this....you can do so much better than this....you can live without him....you and I both know it....he is just like a worn out pair of slippers for you..time for you to get your life together and in time get a new pair....I have been with men that are no good for me..they have dragged me down and it took a 30 day stay in treatment to see that I really did not love him and a good man (my husband) to teach me what love is...I had no clue what real love was,,,I had to learn when I met doug....this is no lie, I truly felt love was insecurity, possessiveness, distrust, lies, manipulation and of course sex...i found out quite the opposite when I met my Doug...the insecurity was gone, i trust him and he trusts me,  and the only lie he has ever told me was the time he hid a new stereo system for his car from me....and he is the first man I have really ever "MADE LOVE" with...I know yo will get there   take time, ship his **** out and live your life,,,take control again   you can do it...this is your obsession as his are drugs....your addiction and you can get your life back,,,,,,good luck sweety      love to you and all   cin

[susanlea]

You guys are so great!  I know you all are right, I sound like the lonely, helpless victim.  I don't mean to, honest.  I took the advice, I've spent the better part of the day packing things up, but I haven't even put a dent in it.  There is so much of his things here, clothes, furniture, boxes, and boxes of stuff. I've moved some to the garage, and alot into another room.  It would take a large U-Haul to move this.  I will get it all done, and tell him to come get it out at one time.  I realized he still has a key to the house, so tomorrow I'm changing the locks. It's been 3 months today, it's time to move on.  He made his decission to leave without getting help. Now he can stay gone.  I will not wait for him anymore.  I guess I was fooling myself in believing if he was gone long enough he would realize what he's done and get help.  Not going to happen anytime soon.  I talked with my sponser today, we went over the point of hitting rock bottom.  He will never hit his untill I'm nolonger there for his convience, and his parents get wise and kick him out.  You guys have been so kind to me, I don't want to run all this garbage on you.  Thanks for everything.....Love Susan

[Wizard]

Susan, YOU GO GIRL!!!!!!!!!! :-) That says it all! My prayers for you have been answered! SEE THE LIGHT
Power & Magick 2 U ALWAYS,
luv,
Wizard

[jennyfla]

You go girl!!!
I've just returned from vacation and reading through this thread makes me realize how wonderful everyone is here, and how strong you really are (really!!!!)
I like your thinking, and i think you're really getting on the right track.  You have the right idea, but it's hard because your heart is going in a different direction.
I'm caught in the web still, and love my husband very much, but it's killing me staying here enabling him and watching him slowly die.  He's taking me down with him too.
You keep your head straight and think of 'YOU' and your children.  Keep enjoying your time (in freedom) and stay focused.
As far as your ex's confusion, i too have experienced that with my husband.  The methadone, in higher doses, plus the oxy's can confuse the heck out of a person.  They are both very powerful drugs, and by themselves, and even worse, together, can cause a lot of confusion.  With my husband, the combination of alcohol also is a complete and total mess.  He forgets everything, and it's like living with a person with altimzers (spelling?)  But, he is also a king manipulator, but i fear even that skill is faultering through all this.  I don't my husband even has the will to manipulate any longer (that's a scarey thought), he like finished, like a whipped puppy.
I believe your boyfriend still has quite a bit of pep left in him, so i agree with everyone, and BEWARE!
Like i said, you sound like you're on the right track, and my prayers are with you!
Lv Jenny

[susanlea]

I swear I don't know what that man has in him.  I nolonger know him, he's a stranger to me. I think that's what I've been holding on to all this time. The way he used to be, the man he used to be. But used to be's don't count anymore, they just lay on the floor till we sweep them away.  He really got me confused with his obsession, he's really concerned that I'm going to marry just anybody, like tomorrow! Where he got that one, I don't know?  I consider myself fairly level headed about marriage, I didn't marry him did I? Well, of course he never wanted to. Besides how was Florida? I'm going down next month to see my sister. Tell me.....did you do ok?   Love Susan