I messed up yet again!!!

[WannaBeFree79]

I don't understand how I want to not have to take these pills soooooooooooo bad, yet get a few days into it and cave into my cravings.  I feel very weak, and I have never been a weak person.  Although addicted and I know it, after 8 years of use I only took 4-6 5/500 MG vicodin a day which is a lot less compared to some of the doses I have read about.  If those of you who took double or triple my dose can do it why am I having such a hard time?  Its so frustrating I want it so bad, and will make it 3 days maybe 4 if I am lucky and bam! the mental hits and its so hard to fight.  I think I need counseling or something, I took these pills initially for 2 years for the right reasons, then after the pain was gone I didn't want to be without them.  It is to the point now, I am tired of worrying when I am going to run out, if I will be able to get more, and how much I have disapointed my family.  Not to mention I worry about my liver and what I have done to it.  I can think of 100 reasons why I want to quit, and still I am a sissy and give up.

I know for one I need a change of atmosphere, since I don't drive and spend all my time at home, everything in this house makes me think about these pills.  This is also the house I lived in with my Mom taking care of her while she slowly died from cancer, those memories are still very new deffinately break me down. (I know excuses excuses)  I am just trying to figure out why I am having such a hard time, when I know deep down I want this so bad. I have a ton of pills yet again, and with any luck they will last me until I move in mid december.  I am going to try CT one more time in the new house with a whole new atmosphere.  If it doesn't work I am going to in patient rehab, because I can't keep putting my hubby and kids through my withdrawals, I know it hurts them to watch me hurt.  

Thanks for listening.

WannaBeFree79

[broknbck]

i think moving is a great idea. that was in my plan for quitting. i moved to a whole new state and that meant new friends and jobs too. so i think it did help a lot with quitting. because it is like we have to get use to doing everything without the drugs and if nothing else changes , than we really seem to feel something missing. changing up things will give you that good new start. but it is up to you to follow thru. make it a rule that your quit date is before getting moved in, so that you never take a pill since getting there.

i think that's cool that you are wanting to be able to help others. that is good inspiration.

[umustbdreaming]

remember step 1...... We are powerless over our addiction.... dont give up !!! ive relapsed close to 20 times before i finally went to NA.  I am now 117 days clean and sober from all opiates

[WannaBeFree79]

Thanks everyone for the encouragement.  I am trying not to beat myself up but I guess I feel like I need to. I feel shame and embarassment about my situation.  I almost want to feel these things, they help drive me to want to quit.  I want to be proud in the end, defeat this, and hopefully be able to share my experiences and use everything I have learned to help someone else in the future.  I believe God has a plan, and all things happen for a reason.  I want and hope my reason is to be able to help others as all of you do every day.  

Thank you for all the kind words and support.

WannaBeFree79

[keekee57]

Like desperate stated, do not beat yourself up. It's only human that we fall and get up. You sound determined, and thats a start. We all have this disease that once the on button is flipped to on, its hard to set it to the off position. Suffering brings perserverance and perserverance brings hope. During my full blown addiction I felt I was living in a cave, isolation is a deadly word for all of us. Get out, go for a walk and try a meeting. It ***** at first, but we all have had to take a licking to keep on ticking. Take good care.

[dominosarah]

Nothing changes if nothing changes.  When you move to a new house you will still bring all your old baggage along.  Geographical cures have been tried by many.  Aftercare will help you a ton and you will have a better handle on why you use and what to do to not use.  Addiction is a beast and it has you in its grip right now.  Keep fighting hard.  You have it in you to do this.  We are here to help you        sara

[shelby74]

I am sorry to hear of your struggles but I can tell you one thing...the reason you keep using again and again is because you are going through it with no help.  You need to attend meetings, see an addiction therapist, whatever but you need to obtain the tools to become clean and sober.  What you are doing will not work.  I have been there, exactly where you are, for many years.  Addiction is a disease and will not go away without treament or some sort of program.  Good luck to you and you are in my thoughts.

shel

[desperatetostop]

Hey...don't beat yourself up so much. I don't think you're a sissy. I think you are very courageous!

Therapy and possible inpatient rehab is a great idea. I think Therapy will be great for you. I think you may need to move through the greiving process...you may not have completed it and now don't know how. I'm going through something similar. The pills kept me from feeling those emotions...and now that I'm off of them...believe me, I can feel the hurt..it's not fun, but i AM feeling and that's good...

we need to feel to heal...there's just no way around it.

((((hugs))))
hang in there