ok i just took

[kellygirll]

3/4 of a mg of subs i can't stand feeing this way and i started texting my friend that i get pills from and she texted me back so if i keep feeling crappy i know i can probably easily "make" her sell me some so i had to take it its not a lot and it will take the edge off I'm hoping MY GOD this is soooo hard wtffffff!!!!!!!! grrrrrrrr

[nursegirl6572]

WELL SAID!

[dominosarah]

You have to stop doing it your way kelly.  As one man always said here "when your desire to get clean outweighs your desire to get high then you will get clean".

[jayeye]

well said nurse girl that was awesome wish i read that before i made my decision today :(

[nursegirl6572]

Why not start today?  You're doing the same thing by putting it off another day.  If you REALLY really want this bad enough, you should start this off on a high note (and not a "HIGH" note), if you know what I mean.

As for the Sub issue, I'm totally in agreement that whenever possible, it's best to give recovery a go without them, and for MOST people, turning to Subs doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but for people who are chronic relapsers (especially with kelly, she's relapsed numerous times in a very short period of time, and with each relapse she's been upping her use AND adding stronger opiates) it's a valid option.  

For ME, it becomes about both harm reduction and increasing the odds of success long term.  For kelly, she's had one defeat after another, and that really wears on a person's self confidence.  Suboxone can give a person that much desired "normalcy".  

Just remember, kelly, if you DO decide to give the sub route a go, you must be compliant with the program, take what you're prescribed and not more, and do the "work" on your recovery that needs done.  If you quickly find that you're struggling to adhere to the program properly, then I would ditch the subs.  I know it's going to be tough for you, but it's possible.  You have to make the necessary changes for this or any other plan to work.  Telling your secret is a BIG one.  You've allowed yourself to keep using behind your secret, you're not accountable to anyone.  That has to change.

I hope you decide to make today your day ONE.  There's NOTHING to be gained by waiting a day, other than giving into your addict brain.

[jayeye]

subs are no joke here is the equianalgesic chart subs are basically 40* stronger per milli than hydro basically its the opium strength chart


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Equianalgesic

[katmandu516]

I understand everything you are going through. I was on 3 drugs at one time for 3 years. Oxis/trams/vics...so...the ct w/ds were hard!! But doable if you really want to get clean. Ask your Dr. for a RX for Clonidine, that will help with the w/ds. Also know that you will feel pretty bad for a week or 2. I felt like I was jumping out of my skin. I was actually jumping, like being electrocuted. But my husband was threatening to leave me if I didn't stop. I was a total fiend. Just go through these things for a few days...each day gets better and better. I cried a lot too. We all went through it. But I don't believe in taking the subs. On this site I've heard that you get addicted to that too, and subs are like 10 times worse to get off than the opiates themselves. This is only my experience and humble opinion. Good luck!!

[jayeye]

i gotta get my a$$ to meetings too....i admit and know i cant do this one on my own

my greatest strength is also my biggest weakness thinking i can take on the world all by myself

[kellygirll]

oh i didn't say I'm not making the call i already I'm starting this tomorrow yea that last HIGH last ye haw i also found a meeting i can to go soooo happy i finally found a meeting that i can go toooo yaaaaay

[jayeye]

so you decided not to make the call....awesome...very proud of you...maybe i can draw some inspiration and do the same

im sooo having that just this one last time moment.....psssh like i havent said that before

[kellygirll]

oh and its both the craving and withdrawl but more the with drawls i can't handle them i just can't

[kellygirll]

i was just thinking that in the shower how maybe i should just do the sub program and take a bigger dose at first i wanted off of it cuz it was interfering in me using my DOC yea funny right but maybe i need that tho i don't want to be addicted to subs but its better than using drugs right but when you take the correct amt you don't crave right? maybe i should start at square one and start with a whole strip again I'm still in the program my doc knows nothing except when i test positive but thats maybe my only help here?? right its not so bad going back on subs if i  will not use drugs then when i feel confident and have clean time under my belt  (as you told me ) i can ween off the subs yes i think i will do that it will get me off this awful merrygoround i have put myself on but after today lol yea one more ye ha pathetically........ human i am but i instantly feel so much relief that i will not be seeking out these pills anymore thank you nurse girl once again don't know what id do without you!!!!!!  :)

[nursegirl6572]

I really feel for you.  You don't get very far, is it the cravings or the w/d symptoms that's primarily causing you to relapse?

I know I suggested it to you before, and you weren't crazy about the idea, but I think you should consider getting into a GOOD, solid sub program, do the sub RIGHT and build up some clean time away from your DOC.  If you can be compliant with a sub program, that will help to build your self confidence a little instead of doing this up and down roller coaster ride you've been doing.

I know you've had trouble in the past adhering to the sub and you often abused it as a way to get you through the times where you didn't have your DOC.  That may make the idea of doing a sub program a little trickier.

Any which way, something has to give sweetie.  You've got to stop the madness.  Have you considered an inpatient program?  You need something that is going to be comprehensive, strict and very regimented.  

I wish you the best.

[jayeye]

kelly im right there with you today.......my "friend" called me this morning.....im having such a craving and feeling so ****** i just want to get high.....its been about five days....im all a very small dose of subs can barley get out of be with no motivation......alls i can do is take it one day at a time every day i dont pick up the phone and make a run is one day closer to getting my life back....but today is bad and the demons in my head give such good reasons to be bad.

how long have you been on the subs for when was the last time you used?

[smiles4eva]

It is hard. I understand having the best of intentions everyday and putting it off.  You have to dig deep, use your heart and not your head right now.