Overdose and letting your Guard down .

[conhall]

Yesterday I went to my usual group meeting and I got the horrible news, another person in my group has died . Shook me to my very core, this is the second person that has been close to me,from my group, her life is over just by not only relapsing but also killing herself . It happened on July 4th she was at a BBQ and alcohol was present and she decided one drink wouldnt hurt she ended up drinking more than one and also with the alcohol her guard came down she decided a few pills might be great also.  Her daughter found her on July 5th dead in her bed.
She was sober almost 1 year her year was August 4th so close and has been in my group since day 1 of her journey she was  so full of life and had done so much to take her life back. I feel like this is a bad dream and I cant shake the way I am feeling I cried all night, I saw so much of myself in this girl we both had a similar story became very close and a great support system for each other. All night I kept fighting the urge to pick up the phone and call her shes the one I would call when I was feeling like this. But shes Gone and I am truly at a loss,
Please never let your guard down I wish she had called me I wish I known, problem is she didnt call me and I didnt know till it was too late and now my friend is gone, I know she thought she knew she could handle it but look what happened..........

[clean_in_ks]

Hey girl....I'm SO glad you are talking about this!!  SO important!  Of course your head is working thru all the scenarios....cause you LOVE her!!  It's just so HARD....it just IS..!!  And you are a fabulous woman and friend to "want" to help her daughter....but you are also a WISE recovering addict to recognize the need to "SCRAM SAM"....get the heck outta Dodge!

I, too, have been plagued with RED ALERTS this past week or so.  My situation and "causes" are much different than yours, of course,....but the fact that we are recognizing them,  and gettiing ourselves out of the triggering situation...like NOW..., asking for helping, talking about what just happened.....that is HEALTHY.

We're doin this, girl....and we'll both make it....but it is SO important for other forum members to HEAR and KNOW that after we get thru the initial detox and physical recuperation period.....there will be times in our lives when that gnawing, chest squeeziing, gotta have some chemical relief times WILL come....and we GOTTA have a plan.  You do...and you're doing it..!

I hurt so much that you are hurting.....I feel what you are feeling to some degree as I read your posts.....but, Connie, because you have eliminated your sources, and you talk to others about your addiction and are involved in a recovery group.....you will overcome....WE will overcome...yep, we will.

Love ya girl~
Connie

[conhall]

on Tuesday when I was helping her daughter pack up her apt. I actually started to feel the need to be high! It was so intense I actually thought man I could use a pill right now! It was like a huge weight knocked me down. I called my husband and it scared me because I have been so strong never letting my guard down and always thinking I will never go back but for that moment I thought wow a pill could help me right now and I have no source so it wasnt like i could but Imagine if I hadnt eliminated my pill source???>
Even after a year of being clean I still use the basic strategy that has helped me  3 things getting rid of pill source, Telling my secret accountability and support(aftercare) . I called my husband and later that day I went to a meeting. I am having alot of anxiety and feel like I am on RED ALERT . I will work thru it all and I Know I just need to let time help me heal.
I Just wish I had text-ed her that day or called her , I knew she was going to a BBQ and i was doing my own thing also, I know I cant blame myself but I just keep playing out different scenarios in my head and the one that I wish the most is that I was there with her or she wasnt there at all because then I Know I would still have her here. But shes gone. and It is so incredibly hard because I Miss her :(  Thanks for the post sorry to be so ........ depressing

[VICourageous]

Oh I do know the feeling many, many times over. There is a circle of emotions that we go thorough when we have a death. I think the first one is denial then we experience anger. I am sure you are aware of this cycle that had been proven to be what most of us do. I sure feel the pain right now for you.I know we will experience this over & over as life does have it tragic moments. I am very Proud of You and how strong you are keeping it together by not running and getting Drunk or High.
Bless

[conhall]

Thank you Vic :)
Its been hard and I do feel sad, I have actually went to pick up my phone to call her it just feels so strange that I will never have a conversation with her again, She really was a close friend to me and so supportive, It feels like a bad dream and I wish i could just wake up!
Time will heal !

[VICourageous]

Hi Girl, I am glad you came back in with a update on how you feel. I keep thinking about your meetings and how every one is so emotionally disturbed  by this right now. You just keep close to Support and keep that Armour around you. Be safe my friend and my Prayers go to All that Loved her.
Bless

[conhall]

Thank you Connie as always you make me smile and feel better,
I was just replying to a message from Tony and like I said to him She was such a great friend so full of life and she had plans and goals and I was lucky to have met her she brought so much to my life and I will truly miss her always. I went with her daughter to help pack up her apt. and that was very hard and I Thought I would be strong enough but I had to excuse myself because I felt desperate to take the feeling of anxiety away and it scarred me , My guy talked to her daughter for my intentions were good but at the end of the day I am Human and I have to Guard my sobriety and I felt weak and well lets just say I actually had thoughts of wanting to feel happy and not sad and the thing is pills came to mind and I have a plan in place I called my Hubby and he as always helped me off the ledge. The thing is one pill would never be enough and neither would two. I have come so far, and I havent thought of that high feeling in awhile but I did and it did scare me. I know I am rambling its what I do LOL! But anyways thank you for your post and your kind words you are a great person!

[clean_in_ks]

Connie, how devastatingly sad...not just one from your group, but now two.  Having just folded laundry with her the day b4 and feeling so bonded to her.....makes the loss even more heartbreaking for you.  I, too, wish she would have called you....for that matter, I wish she had taken someone with her that was clean and sober or had simply chosen not to put herself in that vulnerable position at all.

I didn't hear you blaming yourself.....just sharing your pain with us and the startling reality that this could happen to any of us if we make these kinds of choices.

I do agree that we always have to have our guard up and that cravings may hit us out of left field.....but how about not putting ourselves in a situation where there are people drinking and drugging to begin with?

We become like the people we surround ourselves with....and if our foundation is not strong.....we will falter every time.

I love "your guy" for being so sensitive and loving to you through yet another loss.. he's a keeper for sure!.....Bless you and your family, Connie.....I'm so, so sorry for your pain~

[conhall]

we had a group meeting this evening and it was very emotional . I also talked with her daughter today and that was heartbreaking, Thank you everyone for your thoughtful words It means alot to me. My guy has amazing he even drove me to my meeting and picked me up and I came home to a nice dinner he made. He told me he loves me and this has scared him also and that together we will get thru it.
I sit here reading the forum tonight and I just want to say to everyone please read this and remember have a plan in place when you are craving or put in a situation you think you can handle dont take a chance your life is so precious keep your guard up. God Bless you all

[meegWpaw]

dearest Connie, I am very sorry to hear about this.  I know how much you like your group and from what you wrote I can understand how close you felt to this person.  What a tremendous loss I am so sorry honey.  it is a very somber reminder to us.  im glad you posted this, for two reasons:  that it hopefully helps you, and the help it can give to all of us to keep this in mind.  all my sympathies and care to you ... here for you if you want to talk.--Meegy

[VICourageous]

Hi, again. As said in my early post I truly am sorry for this. I posted a experience I had with this last night in the Social Form.For me to wake up and see this here just scared me even more. This could of been me last night too! Even if I had not had a drink in over 8 years because I substituted my drugs, my addiction part of my brain was playing the "Oh just one" or "it is a concert" on & on. Thank God my Hub was my Support and we were clean/sober driving home because the quick reflexes he had saved us from a head on collision. The car was going very fast for a long time in our lane right toward us. I would not have been on this computer today. So for me I guess any craving can be Triggered at any giving moment and most likely for the rest of our life's. This just made me realize that I have to build a bigger Wall up to Guard my self from my self in this Disease.
I truly am sorry to hear about this and I do pray for her family and friends for this tragic . As I said be Safe my Friend. It did affect alot of people.
Bless

[atthebeach]

oh connie I am so sorry for the loss of your friend. it is really sad.
addiction claims too many lives each day and many of us have been where you are.
cherish your memoires and time spent with her. I am sure she was very happy and blessed to have you as a friend as you were her.
I hope and pray this serves as a reminder to all of us on this forum that our life is a gift and we need to treat each breathe as a blessing.
addiction kills and it isn't worth continuing to test the waters it causes too much pain for those that are left behind.
sending peace, prayers, and hugs,
Debbie

[glamisgirl]

Just want to say how sorry I am that you are going through this. Its also a very strong lesson for us all to hear. In a nut shell that one more time can kill you. It brakes my heart to imagine what you are going through but I also want to thank you for sharing because it reminds me that one more time is never worth what the out come cld be. Many hugs and blessing your way.

[vicki595]

It sounds like her death was accidental and that's tragic...I'm so sorry for you.
Will the group be meeting for a support session?     So many of us have been affected by a great loss due to addiction; some of us have experienced many.
It's always hard...   I know how strong you are and I know you'll take good care. I just wish you didn't have to go through this honey...

[ponco]

Im so sorry for your lost, I lost a stepson a few years back who od from pain meds coke ,zanex, and he was always worried about me oding, he can happen to any of us, because once we start we wont stop, God bless you John

[waterLilly7]

So sorry sweetie,
You were one of my first friends here and we did this together, remember?
I so feel for you. This stuff happens, its so dirty, and we have to move on, and it *****.
Please be glad that you are never going to be in that position, ok?
the most we can do is say a prayer and live on for them.
love and hugs,
Lily

[nursegirl6572]

Oh my, so very sorry.  What a tragedy.  Please turn to others for support, not only here, but especially in your real life....all of you in your group will need the extra support.  These kinds of situations can cause so many strong emotions, and make people even more vulnerable.

You're in my thoughts and prayers.....and remember, there's nothing you could have done...don't go there with your thoughts.  The only way these situations can maybe be avoided when someone gets far along in relapse is to try to identify when someone is early in the stages of relapse....which is hard to do, as you've got to constantly be on guard for yourself.  It's impossible to be on guard for everyone.   That's why everyone must take accountability for themselves.  

God bless your friend, may she rest in peace.  

[dominosarah]

I just went thru this recently, i so understand the why's and should of's.  They will eat you alive and cause alot of stress on our brain.  I look back at the ones i lost and am grateful for the time i knew them.  It also made me look at my recovery even deeper and see what areas i need to work on.  I dont want to become a statistic.  Many times when someone goes back out and relapses they think they can take the same amounts they used too.  I know you are hurting and time will be your friend now.  Sending a comforting hug from me to you~sara

[kyle505]

I am so sorry...Really sorry. You've worked hard, and have always been very supportive and honest when commenting on the forum, so I can only imagine how involved you get in a real life, one on one situation.
There have been a couple of posts recently discussing cravings; some people believe that with time the cravings stop. And maybe that's so for them, for now, but it is also the easiest future scenario for an addict to accept. To think that the cravings will last a lifetime can be discouraging - wanting them to stop at some point is normal. But like I've posted before, I think that for most of us it never ends; we learn to deal with the voices over time, but we must always be aware and, to quote Sarah, never let our guard down.
Again, I know how upset you must be. Hang in there.
K

[ariley13]

I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing this though. It is very important for us all to keep this in mind. This is one way that addiction can end, and it's a possibility for any of us who pick up again. Please don't blame yourself. It sounds like you were a wonderful, supportive friend to this person. Keep their memory alive every day and celebrate both your lives by remaining clean and sober.

[conhall]

Thank you everyone! i really do appreciate your comments . God Bless you all!

[tommygirl74]

I'm sorry for your loss. I know how you feel. I'm just getting clean again. My main reason this time was that almost all my friends I met in recovery last time around are gone, all dead except one, who is in jail for the next 8 yrs. I've been to so many funerals in the past year and I realized I would be next.

The only consolation here is that she is no longer struggling with this disease, she is free and at peace now.

[weaver71]

I'm so sorry. It is a miracle any of us are alive. It's easy to forget that I am in the middle of my last chance. You are possibly the nicest person I have ever met, I am sad with you.

[EvolverU]

When I read this post, Conhall, I felt the familiar pain in the center of my chest, my throat & the pit of my stomach. I'm so, so sorry. I know what it is to lose people close to you to OD's. It's so pointless, jarring & heartbreaking all at once and leaves the 'survivors' devastated. I send you my heartfelt wish that you (& the rest of your NA group) will be able to pull together & process this, making you all the more determined to protect yourselves & one another from the insidious voice of 'I can get away with doing this just one time'.

[bama88]

So sorry to hear this....we loose so many people to this disease.  Deaths like this make us deeply question why.  I'm so sorry to hear this. Hugs