Finally...

[m_i_strongenuf]

I posted my story in my profile, it's a long one, but I do tend to talk to much anyway! :)

So, this is where I am now. Not looking forward to doing this “dance” again, but I know my life depends on it. For those of you that haven't read it, in a nut shell I'm a tramadol addict, big time! Handfuls at a time, 6, 8, 10! Approx. 30 a day, going through 180 a week, and NO, I cannot afford it! I'm sick and scared and I need your help. It looks like this is a great place to start (been reading for a few days, just now had courage to post).

It's 2am now, and I finally feel like I can sleep, after typing for two hours! LOL! But I will be back. Thank you all for being here, you're awsome!

[steve_rtr]

Please don't get me wrong.....................we all have different paths that got us where we are and we'll all take different paths to get where we want to be. Admitting that you're an addict and powerless over your addiction is only an admission......but ya gotta start somewhere. Its what you do with it from there. You can wallow in guilt and blame your self for brocolli being green all you want but where does that get you. I've lied cheated and stole from many people that I care deeply for because of my addiction. I don;t care how many pills someone takes a day or how long they've been doing it it's a personal demon that only u can beat in the long run.When I said you're past that part it wasn't meant to be a WOW.....congrats thing..............it was a WOW ya gotta start somewhere now off to the races......I can admit to being an addict everyday for the rest of my life but what does that get me, NOTHING!!!! Its where I, you ,them or they go from here that counts. I really don't have much of a safety net.................if I f^&K up I go to jail or get kicked out def. not the type of net I wanna fall into. You didn't come of nasty.............so don't think twice about it!!!

[m_i_strongenuf]

[I don't know you, and I certainly don't want to come off in a bad "tone" here, so please know I'm not trying to.]

I appreciate your attempt at support, (you're right, I can do it", however I disagree that I'm "past" any part. Yes, I have taken the first step and admitted I have a problem, but as a married mom of two, there is much more to that part than maybe someone in your position realizes. What I mean is that, on top of the inevitible w/d symptoms, physical & emotional, I'm also having to face the damage I've created over the last several years. There's guilt of not completely being there for my kids every time they needed me~ I am a good mom and that didn't happen much, but to me even once is a big deal if addiction is my only excuse! Then of course there's the financial end of it! I've spent $1000's on this ****, so much so that we're in dire straights at this time because I can't even drive due to my newly acquired seizures, and the bus isn't an option where I am. Of course I'm not the only cause of this situation, however, it hasn't helped any!! :)

I don't have the option to run away to the military (or anywhere else) to keep myself safe from using, I have to stay a hope that I can hold on AND hold it together for my familys' sake, for my sake! Whether you realize it or not good & loving parents with this disease usually don't have the luxury of that type of safety net.  

Even if I could go somewhere that I'd be sure I couldn't use or fall back into the "black hole", I probably wouldn't go...I think staying and dealing with my temptations is not only how I will gain the strength to get clean, but also the strength to STAY clean.

I did not choose this life as you say you did (I'm not even sure what you mean by that), I fell into it (like most of the prople here) when I started having a lot of legitimate medical issues (you can read my profile), which  of course are only being exaserbated by the drug, and this is a life/death situation for me.

I am not afraid of a relapse, only of what life is going to be like when I'm not self medicating anymore. I am also equally excited about it and am really looking forward to being able to enjoy life again...and actually remember it! =)~

I do hope this didn't come off in a nasty way, I'm not like that, so I apologize if I have. I am very happy that you DO have a safety net to keep you in line, I'm sure you're a wonderful person. I wish you the best of luck and look forward to getting to know you here on the boards.

[steve_rtr]

Well.........I guess I'll join in on some of the convo. think I'll be spending a lot of time here over the next couple months..........surely beyond.....!!! You admittted you have a problem and you were powerless over it.......yeah yeah yeah.............you're past that part. Withdrawals aren't horrid physically its the fact that you have grown acustomed to a chemical(s) in your mind that is the hardest part to beat. Lord knows I'm sitting here unable to sleep and just waiting and hoping to get something to ease my mind soon. Its a sick sick life but its one I chose and one that I will soon choose to get out of..........I guess the main thing is u gotta start somewhere even though it sucks!!! No one way works for everyone so try different approaches until u find one that works 4 u. I may get admonished but don't be scared of relapse..............relapse is part of recovery in some ways. In the immortal words of Rob Schnieder "U can do it!!"

[allaboutmary]

Hi and welcome to the forum. You are in the right place. This forum helped me so much.
So do you have a plan ?  Are you going to go cold turkey or taper ?  This will be one of the hardest things you ever do, but it is do-able and so worth it to get your life back. Keep posting and let us know whats going on with you. Ask questions. Their are so many kind and helpful people here. Congrat's on deciding to get clean.   Mary