trying........

[newlife52]

229 off opiates.....months of Xanax......5 days off wellbutrin.  No sleep.....

No desire to use...but for the 3rd time in 3 days, was told....you were so much more fun and happy on pills

How does someone respond to that?  My husband thinks so as well.

Sorry....needed to vent

[lulu747]

I have to agree with Sara here Laurie.  I've talked to you privately about this, so I am not surprised your husband said that to you.  Of course, because your using helped him justify his own addiction.  

I had a similar experience with an old friend of mine who is a hard core alcoholic.  She was constantly putting me down by saying I was no fun anymore, and that I thought EVERYONE was an addict.  She couldn't handle me sober because it made her own addiction glaringly obvious.  She finally cut me out of her life entirely when I told her I could no longer support her in her addiction.

I know that this recovery thing has been a rough road for you, and I think it's because you've done it completely on your own (except for us)  I really think this is the true source of your depression....Your deep seated loneliness.  If you found a good support group then you would feel less alone.  You would have true authentic connection with others who TRULY understand how you feel.
You've put down the pills, and it's admirable how much clean time you have...But if you really want to change and shift and feel better, you need something to help you.  
You know one thing that REALLY helped me was volunteer work.  Doing selfless work in aid of others connects you to humanity.  Is there a way you could do something like that?
It really helps to not be so focused on ourselves.  We can drive ourselves crazy in our own heads.  I can relate to how you feel right now as I'm a month post op and not feeling ANY better.  I had all my hopes pinned on that surgery, just as you've had your hopes pinned on stopping the pills.  I am now realizing how much work I have to do in healing before I get well.  Recovery is HARD work.  But it is sooooo worth it, and SO ARE YOU.
Don't give up my friend.
Get out for a walk with that pup of yours and make yourself a list of things that you can do to make yourself feel better.
One day at a time.
Hugs,
Lu

[dominosarah]

It always seems to bother others that we arent out there using.  We become a threat to them and that is their issue, not ours.  Those people arent our friends.   Real friends will support you.   You just continue on in your recovery.

[weaver71]

My family would felt the same way, I wasn't much fun, for about a year after quitting methadone. I actually think I was a pretty big bummer. Anyway, at a year or so, my daughter volunteered to say, without me asking,

"You are a lot more fun and nice off drugs."

I said, "I don't feel like I am having more fun or acting nicer."

She added, "Yeah, but you ARE more fun now, I like you a lot better."

Now, this was after a year of my family being pissed, disappointed, not trusting I was serious, etc... Having high intention and feeling committed was not enough, continual action is all that really healed the situation. It was a very hard year. I had to prove by action that I was changing. That is not something one can fake, lie, or be deceptive about. The change in a person in recovery is obvious to all. I have people tell me I seem much better, even people who barely know me, that feels like progress and feels darn good.

I went to every kind of recovery I could find around here, still felt bad. I had to stop focusing on feelings and focus on actions. I have finally accumulated enough new memories to see myself more clearly as this new me. I am more fun, I don't feel like I used to on drugs, but a new, better kind of fun has slowly developed. Much of those new memories were pushing me beyond my comfort zone, I did lots of things I didn't 'feel' like doing. Change is difficult, we are creatures of habit. New actions over time create new habits, not easy at all, though definitely worth it. I was just a lost soul swimming in a fish bowl, year after year, covering the same old ground and always found, the same old fears, and I wished I was here. I was vacant and lost in my little bowl a long time. Jumping out of the bowl and flopping on the ground awhile hurt. I felt dried up and my gills were flexing in a panic. Then I developed a new way to breath, see, hear, smell, touch, and feel in my heart.

I am not a fish, I am a human being! I pretended to be a fish so long, I forgot what it was like to be human, so I created a new me to adapt to my new environment and freedom of motion. Hang in there, don't worry about all those who saw you swimming in circles those years, who perhaps see you as a fish. Don't just say it, Show them you are human, keep doing the right thing, no matter how you feel, it will start to feel good eventually. Don't forget that. Your loved ones were hurt too, so they are healing along side you, try to give them and yourself a break. Go out and make new memories, grow a pair(of lungs), breath in the good, exhale the bad. Let the new life fill you up and shine from your eyes, even on sad days.

I must say, one of the best feelings I ever had in recovery was when my daughter said I am a better dad now. Then my son chimed in with agreement. When I feel bad, I remember that, I may not feel better right now, but I AM better and so are you. Keep up the good fight, nothing in your life is more important to you or those who love you.

[gnarly_1]

Hi   well it can take a wile to come around if your antidepressant is not working try another there are several that are good it took my doctor some time to get me on one that works as for the comment just know it is not the old you you want back   but rather the new girl free from drugs I highly recamend N/A to you it will give you a place to vent your frustrations and the people are addicts in recovery you can tell a ''normie'' 100 times but you always will get that ''deer in the headlight stair'' you wont in N/A the progam is simple and it will help you understand your diease the pills are only a out word side of a inward problem google a N/A meeting near you....Gnarly

[NeverAgain127]

Are you kidding me?   If someone told me "you were so much more fun and happy on pills" I'd respond with "NO, it only SEEMED that way to YOU.   In reality, I was very sick with a disease that wanted me DEAD."

Screw people who say that.  Honestly...I'm sorry if that's harsh, but anyone who says that just doesn't understand, or is denying their own addiction too.  

You are doing fine, congrats on the 219 days!!!!

[newlife52]

Hi Amanda....

I got off the Cymbalta and tried he wellbutrin but the side effects were horrible.  

So....I am going to see who I am without all these meds.  

To be honest.......I'm afraid to find out but I'm hopeful the happy girl I once was is still in here and this crying slug of a girl will be gone soon.

And you are too sweet.  Hope all is great with you and your family!  

Thanks for ALWAYS finding the positive.  I need to do that much more.

Sorry I am still so whiney and needy.......I do not like this me...put I chose to believe I am a "work in progress"

[Amandag78]

Hey Laurie, congratulations on your clean time !!
Im 9 weeks off Effexor as you know and apparently it can take up to 6 weeks to get anti-dep out off the body.
But im guessing you have only started the wellbutrin, is it not working ?
You have to give it at least 3 months when starting an a/d to have an impact on the brain.
Dont worry, ive been told for years i was more fun when i was on drugs. "I miss the old Amanda" is what people would say !!
Its offensive when we keep hearing it and not very supportive, but all you can do is ignore these comments !! They're unhelpful.
Just keep doing what your doing, because its working for you otherwise you wouldnt be clean.
I think your wonderful, caring and kind...
          xoxoxo