Advise for wife of alcoholic husband

[Beautifuldisastr]

I've been together with my alcoholic husband 8 years, married 2. We have always had a long distance relationship until we were married. We married and moved away from friends and family for his work. While away he became depressed and seemed to consume more and more alcohol. He started sneaking and I found out, I went to extremes such as checking bank accounts, bought and used a breathalyzer on him, basically had no life of my own. He finally realized he had a problem and went to AA. This was not enough. In April this year he went to a 3 wk inpatient rehab but they day he got out drank. Since then he had continued to drink. He was fired from his job in May for drinking on the job. Since then I left him and separated. He has now gotten 2 DUI's (less than a month apart) but now says he is doing an intense out patient program. I told him he needs to do this for himself not me and realize I'm not the light at the end of the tunnel anymore.
My question is- do I give him one last chance? Do I believe he is actually going to get it this time? I love him so much- well I love the man I fell in love with so many years ago and am scared if I divorce that man may come back and it's too late. Any advise would help. We do not have children so there is not issue there. There was also no physical abuse just verbal abuse, manipulation and emotional blackmail-typical alcoholic talk.
Thank you all!

[Nighthawk61]

*now in an inpatient program, instead of not in.....

[Nighthawk61]

Welcome to  Medhelp Beautiful ~ I'm sorry that you're going through the pain that comes from addiction :(

You mentioned that the heavy drinking came after your husband moved away from friends and family for work, but that now he's out of work.(If you were to give it another try ) could you both move back closer to the support of family and friends, or are you now working at a job that you don't wish to leave?

Are his family and friends consistently drinking while socializing? The reason I ask is this. My husband came from a large, very close knit family and the parent's and siblings all socialized together frequently as friends.
When my husband finally quit drinking, not one of them even thought of having one event that didn't seem to revolve around drinking. I became aware that he did not really have support from his family, at all, and never did. Even when I brought it up to his sister, that he would really really appreciate even a few times a year to get together without alcohol, I was told no. Although they prided themselves in being so close, not one of them would give up the alcohol for any reason. His close knit family became a trigger for him, and he had to give them up  essentially, in the first couple of years of his sobriety, in order to maintain his sobriety.

So you were in a long distance relationship for 6 years, and then married for 2 when you say he started to drink due to depression from leaving family and friends. Hmm Are you sure he was not abusing alcohol all along, and you were not aware of it? ;The reason I ask is this. If being away from family and friends was the cause of the depression and the heavy drinking, then by returning (now that he can) it might be easy for him to clean himself up. You can't un ring a bell, and if he's now an alcoholic, he'll need abstinence and the program for the rest of his life.

You were with him then during his first 3 week rehab in April. Were you not part of the family program that rehabs have set up? It's a huge source of support for an addict to have a family component to their rehab. He got fired in May, got 2 DUI's and is not in an outpatient program. I finally got and stayed clean in an outpatient program. It helped a great deal to be living in the real world, with real triggers while going through the program.  We were able to talk about what was going on in our lives in group and in individual counseling. Jail and residential rehab are forced sobriety in that you can't slip even if you wanted to.

As for your question whether you should give him another chance. I would. It's been two years he's been abusing alcohol, not 20. It should be relatively easy for him to change back to what he was a couple of short years ago. Maybe he needs to move home. He needs to talk about that with a therapist . You would need to become involved and supportive in the family program at this rehab. You should have been involved in April. If you were not, then that could be one cause why it didn't work. I'm not blaming you , I' m just saying that it would be like ......the only kid at camp not getting a care package. (I was that kid, my mom couldn't be bothered in my younger years, before i was married).  The most important thing is this, how invested is he really, because an addict that is serous WILL GO TO ANY LENGTHS.  I personally initiated two years plus of blood and urine testing, every second day, to prove that I was clean. Is he willing to go to a marriage counselor, are you? He's done some damage to the relationship. Are you capable of forgiving him? Do you want to try? If you do want to, step up and support him lovingly. Be firm , but be loving. You two just might make it with the help of the rehab team, and AA. I went to AA non stop for over a year. Until I got used to being clean. Is he capable of stepping up?

[brice1967]

I am so sorry that you've found yourself in this position.  You've kind of found yourself at a cross roads in life and some big, hard decisions lie in front of you.

"Do I give him a second chance?"  Personally, I believe everyone is worth a second or maybe even a third chance, but I kind of get the feeling that you have given that second and third chance already.  He went into treatment, you took him back and he came out of treatment drinking.....  Now, he's jobless, 2 DUI's staring him in the face....

Another question you should be looking at is, "What if I give him another chance and he blows that too?".  

Decision making regarding situations like yours are difficult.  Honestly, there are too many "what ifs".  The important thing to remember is that only you can be in control of you and only he can be in control of him.  We can't control other people, so in a situation like yours YOU have to weigh what will be most beneficial for you.

I don't want to sound negative.  That is not what I am trying to do.  But what if you give him another chance in good faith and he blows it?  If he does blow it, you've given him that extra chance and it went awry.... but at this point you should be willing to walk away. If you don't, you could catch yourself giving this person another chance again and again and again, putting your life on hold.

If I thought for one second that there was hope for this relationship, I would give this person another chance but I would be doing everything I could to put myself into the best position possible for the easiest way out if it goes awry.

1.  Speak to a therapist/counselor about your situation and get some help finding the ground under your feet again.

2.  Have a real good heart to heart talk with this person and let them know exactly where you stand.  Let them know that this is your life too, and you can do what you can do to help but everything lies on his shoulders.

3.  Start setting yourself up in case you HAVE to leave.

Understand this, no abuse is tolerable and you don't need to excuse or minimize the amount of verbal or emotional abuse.  YOU deserve the best and anything but his best is inexcusable.  He is in the drivers seat in his life, you are in the drivers seat in yours.  

Putting faith in an alcoholic is rough country.  There are too many things that can go wrong and it only takes one second, one impaired judgement to ruin lives.  Unfortunately, you and only you can weigh this whole thing out.

I wish you the best of luck in this.  You have to do a bit of soul searching but you need to understand that you cannot change this person.  The addict has to find rock bottom and get the fight back in him to win this battle.