Such a thing as too late?

[Needreassurance22]

I am a 22-year-old African American female, and I have been drinking since I was about 17. Over the years, specifically right after High School and my father's passing, my drinking had become excessive. I was working two jobs and spending most of my earnings on liquor, and going out to party. I felt for so long that it cured my anxiety, eradicated the social awkwardness that I suffered from all through my life. I made a lot more friends. As my tolerance grew stronger, so did the false sense of security that liquor concocted for  me. I began to make very stupid decisions.

I started skipping school, skipping work, and couldn't hold a job for almost two years. I woke up in the Hospital a couple of times after having blacked out, my appearance changed, I lost my ambition and my drive.

Earlier this year I met a new friend--a guy I used to work with, who has an even stronger penchant for drinking than me. I was excited to finally have somebody who could drink as much as me, as my older friends have more than a few times expressed their desire for me to take it easy. Me and this kid drank every single day. He would come to my house and we'd get drunk, I'd go over his. And it's been that way ever since. One night I met up with him in the city, wasted, to see a movie. After it was over we sat on the steps in Times Square and got even more drunk. I have no idea how I made it home that night. I wandered around for hours trying to figure out how to get on the train back to New Jersey. I lost my wallet. And was out of commission for days. That may have been the first time I admitted to having a "slight" problem, yet still I did not seek help nor did I stop. Now far far worse things have occurred. And I don't know what to do. It's sad but it's like I expect everyone to do this for me....to get me help. I don't know if I should try AA. All I know is I can't help myself, I thought it was simply mind over matter but it is NOT. I know that drinking addiction runs in my family, but I never believed alcoholism was truly genetic. And I don't want to blame my genes. I just want to get my life back.

I am so envious of my friends who can drink and not suffer all of this helplessness. I literally feel like I deserve to die over some of the stupid **** I've recently done due to being incoherently drunk. And for what? It doesn't even feel good to me anymore, so why cant I stop?

I've been clean for a little over two weeks now....but I'm not sure when I will slip up especially since I am going through a very real traumatic situation and depression.

Any insight?

[Vanessa012]

You are asking yourself the right questions and it seems like your own intuition and heart is leading you in the right direction. You know this is not the life you were meant to live. And that's when you are at the turning point to make a necessary change. It will not be easy and it might even frighten you at times, but it will be so completely worth it.

I did the exact same things, lived with the exact same regret and confusion and made those exact mistakes. I was 19 when I finally made the admission that I was an alcoholic at my first AA meeting. I stumbled in, sat down, and I couldn't completely quit drinking until after a month and a half of attending meetings. It takes what it takes. I have seen people pass away and I've seen them run away because they couldn't escape the drink. I had to realize for myself that I was worth so much more then to continue on the path I was going. And drinking for me was just a symptom of a lot of pain, regret, and hurts that I was dealing with on the inside. An AA group will teach you how to grow and live life sober. And you won't ever be alone. I wish you the best.

[ibizan]

You don't deserve to die over some of the stupid stuff u've done as a result of your drinking....MANY of us here have done a LOT of the same!There are TONS of AA meetings in NYC...and many womens discussion mtgs.Hope u get to one..or more soon.....pls keep us posted!Thx for posting......we love meeting new members here who want recovery!Congrats on the 14 days...its all one hour at a time...one day at a time!