I'd just like to know what is happening to me, and who I am, plz help :(

[Adz151101]

There are a number of things going on in my life, and one big thing is the worry I have of what other people think of me. I am 15 years old and since midway through my 3rd year of primary school, I lived as a fake person, I acted like a person I was not. I got in trouble loads, I hurt myself by slamming my head on tables, I never listened in lessons, all because I wanted to impress people, for them to like me.

I even bullied this one girl to try and get peoples approval.All day everyday I have thoughts running through my head of what people think of me, I look at people and think to myself, I bet he thinks I look disgusting, I bet she thinks I am ugly, I bet they think I am an idiot. And I go home, and I change my image to these thoughts.

All through my 1st year of secondary school I was an idiot. Eventually, I stopped this phase about maybe a year ago, but I am still so so self-conscious, and I still think so bad about myself according to what I think other people are thinking, I just don't act on it as much as I did. But my past is like a bad habit, and I'm like 2 sides of a coin, at times I can be a complete ******* to my friends, I don't even know why they trust me anymore. I cant keep their secrets or promises, and I even betrayed my best friend that I've known for 11yrs, by telling the peolple that we're bullying me about what my best friend hated being called in primary school that he was bullied for, and I did this just to get them off my back and to get their approval.

I feel so bad about that it's un belivable, he doesn't even know that it was me who told them. Also, I have been going out this girl for 2 years now, but I find it so hard to keep promises she gives me, it's like I just can't resist the urge to tell people about it, I just thank god she forgives me every time and forgets about it. I truly love her so so much, and she loves me.

But just a day ago I broke down in front of her and told her all these things, and cried and cried, and now I feel like I have made her feel bad too. The other side of the coin, is that I can be a lovely person, and I can be caring and loving, but this is a very rare side to see. From about midway through 2016, I started to shake, I wasn't too cold or hot, but I shook a little.

I though maybe it was a one off, and that that night I had too much fizzy stuff to drink and the sugar got to me but it kept happening at least once everyday. I spend so so much time on the computer, probably about 6-9 hours a day, and I though maybe it was that, as I hadn't  been getting much sleep. Finally I decided today to reasearch it, as I was worried, and it was making me look stupid in public, ( I was at my girlfriends house, and we were hugging, and I started to shake quite violently, and just couldn't stop at all), and I found that it was linked to anxiety, and that is why it's on this community channel.

But please help me, I don't know what I have, but I'm scared of myself now, hell, forget what I have, I just don't know who i am anymore, am I the guy that I faked for a good few years, or the kind and caring guy that my girlfriend sees in me? I'm just a wreck at the minuit, I would really really love some help or advice, or someone to tell me if I have anything, please.

[bruff19]

What do you think of yourself should be what you care about. Although it is normal to care what others think too. Just remember they can think what they want but they aren't doing anything to actually improve your life, so they don't matter.

[Paxiled]

I think you definitely need to see a psychologist just to get a handle on this and have someone to tell you you're okay.  But my angle on this is, most people go through this, if they go through it at all, in college, so you're way ahead of the curve.  You're self-awareness will be your savior.  I think when you move through this, because you're starting so young, you'll be a much better human being, but know this, it's much harder to be self-aware and caring then it is to close your mind.  Look at the famous people who never grew at all -- I could mention one very important person in our new federal gov't -- and ask yourself, would you rather see yourself now or never?  And then go find a good psychologist or perhaps if you prefer a spiritual practice that will help you make sense of it all.  

[LRon]

I know this doesn't t help much in the short term, but you should talk with a mental health counselor. Some of what you're dealing with is probably just normal stuff young teens go through, but still I recommend it.

[AnxiousNoMore]

There is a teen section on medhelp too.