Idk what's wrong anymore

[Jayd1998]

Hi, my name is jordan and I'm ** years old. I grew up with my dad till I was about 11 after that I grew up with knowing the feeling of him not wanting anything to do with my brothers or I. My dad was an alcoholic he never hurt me or anything but it hurt my mom. She moved us down to Indianapolis about 6 years ago, I was fine with it Idc to much except the fact she was with a women. Over the years I played softball and cross country, I quit all that at the end of freshman year for no reason other than I wanted to be more lazy i guess. Anyways I don't think I have anger problems but I feel like I have hard time expressing my feelings and emotions properly, for that I tend to be kind of quiet. I started smoking pot about 8 months ago, I liked the escape it gave me but I would get really sick, I think it was because of high anxiety I was super scared my mom would kill me. Over a course though I don't get sick anymore I just don't care. I feel like I have this I don't care anymore attitude, I'm just like whatever all the time. And my mind feels blank, not at night time though at night it goes like 50 mph on different thoughts about my day, my life, my future, etc.. I hate it because here I am trying to sleep and my mind doesn't shut up. Back to the blackness, I feel empty plan it's so weird, it's almost like something is missing within me, I'm sad internally. I think for some reason but I don't know what it is. I'm not shy though i could look a person in the face and call them cute, I promise I'm a tour talker and stuff for my school and I hangout with friends and I have an amazing boyfriend. I get into trouble with my mom a lot though she's never hurt me or anything but she does get super mad at me. I don't talk to her I guess but I never know what to say my mind is empty, she says it's because I block the bad, I hardly remember my childhood I forget stuff occasionally. People say I have a longing sad look in my eyes? Idk could somebody tell me a little bit of information on depression and anxiety or possible a way I could open up more and talk about my feelings, I think I have trust issues to:/ it's complicated anybody please feel free to comment.

[Jayd1998]

Thank you I didn't mean to sound angry I wasn't trying to(: thanks for the advice I appreciate it

[Paxiled]

I didn't necessarily mean a school counselor.  I really meant someone with experience in therapy or counseling, and school counselors might be that person and might not be.  And I gotta tell ya, insurance is not much help with therapy in the best of circumstances, though you don't need a psychiatrist, just a licensed counselor (social worker who does therapy) or psychologist.  Community health centers can do this for a lower price, but as you're young I assume you have a family that can help.  When you're old like me you don't have any help, so use that help while it's there and be thankful for it.  And watch that anger -- it sounds like you're eating yourself up.  

[birdie0907]

What do you mean they are mean? All they can do is listen and help you if they are doing their job.

[Jayd1998]

Gee thanks, i think i should talk to a counscler, but my school ***** the couclers are kinda mean. Annd to top it off i have absolutly no insurence so unlees i pay no psychiatrist for me

[Paxiled]

Sounds like it's time to speak to a counselor about your feelings so you can get a handle on them, but keep in mind, at your age everything is magnified.  That's the wonder of being young but also the curse.  But again, it just sounds like you've got some issues related to the family situation that could use a good sounding board.