Aa
I am very anxious. I am certain I contracted HIV.
Hello, I am very worried, anxious, depressed and scared. I'm a gay man. Almost 2 months ago, February 12th I stayed out late and to my own misfortune got very drunk and came home with a guy. I did use a condom with him however, at some point it came off and that is the bit I cannot remember. Ever since i suspected I may have contracted HIV. I never had symptoms for the first 6 weeks. I went to get a test, rapit test and ELISA test which both came back negative. Following the results I started to get symptoms, mild fever/flu like feelings, I had a flat rash or spots in my inner arm and the same on the other inner arm, slight dull ache in my left joint. Headache, I've been anxious and not sleeping. I am just so terrified I feel like my world is falling apart just when my life is meant to be at it's best. I know I Have all the symptoms it has now been 7 weeks and I will be getting tested on Monday. I know the guy was a stranger and he looked like the sort who sleeps around. It was a huge mistake and I never ever normally do this. However it will be one i Live to regret. I Need someone to talk to because im suffering through this alone and if i Have it no one can know. I just dont know what to do. I have all the symptoms I am certain I have it. Worst of all I could have gone for PEP when it happened but was uninformed due to being naive and stupid. I'd always been careful it never really was something i thought id research into. Till now. I feel i Have all the symptoms. Oh and I Have swollen lymph nodes. I feel almost as if everytime I research symptoms they happen. I havent had a temperature yet. The flu went after a week. Before these came on I had gone out a lot that week before and shared drink with someone who had a temperature or so they said. I also have a cough now and tingling in my lips. Oh dear. I just know I have it. So i am trying to prepare. I am a university student. How will I maintain my way of living, or change it? i need a lot of advice and someone to talk to. What will i do without my family or friends or anyone knowing to ensure I can live without obvious symptoms. HELP please.
She said young people are dying early and im going to be one of them, im doomed. I really am, i can see it all now.
I thought phoning the hotline would help but the woman made me feel even worse by shouting at me. Im so scared, she's right though. I can't sleep i dont know what to do. Im sick of not sleeping, i want my life back and i wish i hadn't done it. I was drunk and out of control which is my fault, I never expected all this to happen. Was unfortuneate. I am very scared and my life will never be the same. The whole night scares me, i can't think of it. If I get HIV i wont be able to live with myself, in this body. I just won't i know i sound psychotic but i am very terrified, alone in the house as well as I am back at University and just scared.
I really really really HATE myself right now. I wish it never happened, it was stupid of me and I was clean until then. Now i may have all sorts of infections. Its my own fault and such a joke. Im 19 and my life is over. I can't believe htis is happening to me, please pray for me that God gives me a second chance. I hope i live to tell it as a scare like a lot of people have on the internet. But i will be the one! I will be the one that tested negative at 7 weeks and was positive by 3 months, I have all the symptoms, im gay and had unprotected sex with THE WRONG PERSON!
I phoned the HIV hotline for help and the woman basically shouted at me and said why would you have sex with no condom drunk or sober. I feel really sh*t about myself. I know i shouldnt have the night keeps haunting me, I was so drunk and I hate myself more than anyone could over it. I won't be able to sleep. It was a stupid mistake. I feel my muscle aches, tingle in joints and I saw a black/purple ulcer or spot in my mouth for the second time in 2 months since it happened. It's HIV. I went home drunkenly with some guy who probably shagged someone before as he admittedly sleeps around. It was a black out episode, I should never have drunk that much. I hate myself for this and won't live through it. I already phoned the HIV hotline and the man was more lenient saying the tests are very accurate and should be reliable and to get tested again tomorrow. The woman made me scared when i phoned again. I know i have it and i can't live with what i've done. I feel like I killed someone. She is right i feel bad about myself.
I can't add anything to lydia's fantastic post. We love to be able to help, however, we can only do so much, at some point you have to grab the bull by the horns and help yourself.
Like GL said, for now, your obsessive thinking has switched from HIV to Hep, what will it be next? MS? A heart condition? Brain tumor? Take it from people who know, without help, there WILL always be the next worry, the next obsession.
Sitting on the computer all day searching for symptoms is a lot like someone with a severe phobia of snakes throwing themselves into a snake pit day after day, wondering why they are so anxious?
You need professionals to help you learn how to face the snake pit with manageable levels of anxiety. The answer is not us telling you over and over that you don't have HIV, or Hep (or disease du jour). Sure, that gives you a momentary feeling of relief, but it will be short lived. Then the anxiety comes flooding right back. And it will, and sometimes it will get much worse.
Make the necessary change today...instead of googling symptoms, google the names of doctors who can help you.
Like GL said, for now, your obsessive thinking has switched from HIV to Hep, what will it be next? MS? A heart condition? Brain tumor? Take it from people who know, without help, there WILL always be the next worry, the next obsession.
Sitting on the computer all day searching for symptoms is a lot like someone with a severe phobia of snakes throwing themselves into a snake pit day after day, wondering why they are so anxious?
You need professionals to help you learn how to face the snake pit with manageable levels of anxiety. The answer is not us telling you over and over that you don't have HIV, or Hep (or disease du jour). Sure, that gives you a momentary feeling of relief, but it will be short lived. Then the anxiety comes flooding right back. And it will, and sometimes it will get much worse.
Make the necessary change today...instead of googling symptoms, google the names of doctors who can help you.
I DO NOT see you as an "annoyance, nor a bother," and I am really sorry if I have come across a bit harsh. I think both nursegirl and myself have been very patient with all your concerns.
I AM, however, feeling frustrated that you continue to "research" symptoms that have NOTHING to do with your original question which concerned HIV. With some urging from NG and myself, you have gotten tested and can be, at this point, almost 100% sure your final 12 week test will be negative.
But now that the spectre of HIV is probably soon going to be behind you, you've come up with numerous other conditions. Of all these new conditions, the only one that should be of major concern to you at this point is your extreme health anxiety, which absolutely needs to be addressed by a psychiatrist as soon as possible. The muscle aches and pains and headaches and tiredness and loss of appetite....et al, can ALL be attributed to STRESS. In a person with hypochondria, who is already super vigilant about every little muscles twitch, stress can and does create a boatload of often frightening symptoms. Have I ever experienced it? For many, many years my friend. More years than you've even been alive. What did I do about it? I saw my doctors. I saw my therapists. I tried various medications. I joined support groups.........didn't have computers back then, so these were real people sitting around a table talking. I read books, I exercised, I worked full time and I worked hard and I played hard. I got involved in life outside of myself. Am I "cured?" Am I fully "recovered?" NO, I'm not. I've taken meds for years and no doubt will continue to take them til the day I die. I still my therapist every few months for a bit of a tune up, but mostly we just talk about "stuff." It just makes me feel better, perhaps safer, to know there is someone who knows the entire story of my journey and what I've gone through to get to the place I am today. I'm a little like Humpty-Dumpty. I've been put back together as best the professionals can, but there will always be a few "cracks." I can live with that. Please don't think I have never walked in your shoes.
You have my very best wishes for hope, health and happiness.
Peace
Greenlydia
I AM, however, feeling frustrated that you continue to "research" symptoms that have NOTHING to do with your original question which concerned HIV. With some urging from NG and myself, you have gotten tested and can be, at this point, almost 100% sure your final 12 week test will be negative.
But now that the spectre of HIV is probably soon going to be behind you, you've come up with numerous other conditions. Of all these new conditions, the only one that should be of major concern to you at this point is your extreme health anxiety, which absolutely needs to be addressed by a psychiatrist as soon as possible. The muscle aches and pains and headaches and tiredness and loss of appetite....et al, can ALL be attributed to STRESS. In a person with hypochondria, who is already super vigilant about every little muscles twitch, stress can and does create a boatload of often frightening symptoms. Have I ever experienced it? For many, many years my friend. More years than you've even been alive. What did I do about it? I saw my doctors. I saw my therapists. I tried various medications. I joined support groups.........didn't have computers back then, so these were real people sitting around a table talking. I read books, I exercised, I worked full time and I worked hard and I played hard. I got involved in life outside of myself. Am I "cured?" Am I fully "recovered?" NO, I'm not. I've taken meds for years and no doubt will continue to take them til the day I die. I still my therapist every few months for a bit of a tune up, but mostly we just talk about "stuff." It just makes me feel better, perhaps safer, to know there is someone who knows the entire story of my journey and what I've gone through to get to the place I am today. I'm a little like Humpty-Dumpty. I've been put back together as best the professionals can, but there will always be a few "cracks." I can live with that. Please don't think I have never walked in your shoes.
You have my very best wishes for hope, health and happiness.
Peace
Greenlydia
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