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HIV, Guilt and Anxiety... where to start
I want to tell everyone out there who has dealt with the anxiety that an HIV scare brings that you are not alone. It is the hardest things i have ever gone through and it thoroughly deconstructed my life, my self image, my sense of self worth and my peace of mind, and despite assurances that i am ok in terms of the hiv, i am in a constant struggle to put my life back together again.
My story is not your typical one. I am a bisexual male, 24, living in New York. At a very young age i was molested by an older relative. I became sexually aware far to early. When my sexuality began to become clear to me i was filled with shame. Raised Catholic, my parents were never homophobic, but they were not too fond of rocking the boat in any way. I was taught that in life you conform.
In my early teens my sexuality would come out in unhealthy ways. After being out drinking with friends i occasionally had one night stands with men i hardly knew. I cant say for sure if i was always safe. I know at least once i was not.
I became terrified of HIV, but instead of facing it, like many other things in my life, i repressed it.
I buried my head in the sand. and never really gave it much thought
how stupid and naive can you get.
I have been with my current partner for a long time and i love her immensely.
One night last year i cheated. I can never forgive myself for this.
The past few months have been a whirlwind of fear, confessions, anxiety and stress.
She came down with a flu in December and i became completely obsessed with the idea that i could have gotten her sick.
Eventually i broke down and told her everything. She knew about my sexuality but there were things about my past that i had never told anyone. We went together to be tested.
The days leading up to the test were terrible. I couldnt sleep without taking a xanax. I didnt want to eat. I didnt want to have sex. i was a wreck.
We went for our test and they were both negative.
I was never so happy in my life.
this lasted about a day.
After this i started thinking about a night that i went out with friends about 3 weeks before going to get tested and i realized that i blacked out part of the night. At this point i started thinking the worst possible scenario. Was it possible that i could have cheated again. I really dont think i did, but the fact that i couldnt say for sure began to haunt me. \
i went back to the clinic and had an acute hiv test done, they do this in the department of health clinics in new york. This test checks for the virus in your blood and after ten days of exposure, the hiv counselor at the clinic has told me it is close to 100 percent accurate. I had to wait three weeks for this tests' results. They were negative. I was told that there is no need to keep testing.
Regardless, for the safety of my partner, i kept testing. i have now tested out to seven weeks on the oraquick advanced finger ***** test and it is negative. i was told that i didnt even need to take this test since the acute is so sensitive that if there was any virus in my blood it would have caught it, but this combined with the negative antibody test at seven weeks has made me relatively sure i do not have this virus.
Now, the problem is, i am having panic attacks regularly. I cant get this obsession with this virus out of my head. I dont feel any symptoms, aside from the fact that i have no appetite (probably due to stress), but i find myself constantly on the internet researching worst case scenarios.
I feel lucky, but at the same time, i feel undeserving of such luck. I feel like there are so many people out there who have had worst fates and were guilty of nothing, and yet i spent so much time lying to myself and to my partner an d was ok?
Today has been a particularly hard day for me. I just wanted to share my experience. I dont think that its the hiv i am scared of anymore, i think i have to deal with the guilt i have been harboring now. Im not quite sure where to start.
My best to anyone who's going through anything like this. You are in my thoughts.
My story is not your typical one. I am a bisexual male, 24, living in New York. At a very young age i was molested by an older relative. I became sexually aware far to early. When my sexuality began to become clear to me i was filled with shame. Raised Catholic, my parents were never homophobic, but they were not too fond of rocking the boat in any way. I was taught that in life you conform.
In my early teens my sexuality would come out in unhealthy ways. After being out drinking with friends i occasionally had one night stands with men i hardly knew. I cant say for sure if i was always safe. I know at least once i was not.
I became terrified of HIV, but instead of facing it, like many other things in my life, i repressed it.
I buried my head in the sand. and never really gave it much thought
how stupid and naive can you get.
I have been with my current partner for a long time and i love her immensely.
One night last year i cheated. I can never forgive myself for this.
The past few months have been a whirlwind of fear, confessions, anxiety and stress.
She came down with a flu in December and i became completely obsessed with the idea that i could have gotten her sick.
Eventually i broke down and told her everything. She knew about my sexuality but there were things about my past that i had never told anyone. We went together to be tested.
The days leading up to the test were terrible. I couldnt sleep without taking a xanax. I didnt want to eat. I didnt want to have sex. i was a wreck.
We went for our test and they were both negative.
I was never so happy in my life.
this lasted about a day.
After this i started thinking about a night that i went out with friends about 3 weeks before going to get tested and i realized that i blacked out part of the night. At this point i started thinking the worst possible scenario. Was it possible that i could have cheated again. I really dont think i did, but the fact that i couldnt say for sure began to haunt me. \
i went back to the clinic and had an acute hiv test done, they do this in the department of health clinics in new york. This test checks for the virus in your blood and after ten days of exposure, the hiv counselor at the clinic has told me it is close to 100 percent accurate. I had to wait three weeks for this tests' results. They were negative. I was told that there is no need to keep testing.
Regardless, for the safety of my partner, i kept testing. i have now tested out to seven weeks on the oraquick advanced finger ***** test and it is negative. i was told that i didnt even need to take this test since the acute is so sensitive that if there was any virus in my blood it would have caught it, but this combined with the negative antibody test at seven weeks has made me relatively sure i do not have this virus.
Now, the problem is, i am having panic attacks regularly. I cant get this obsession with this virus out of my head. I dont feel any symptoms, aside from the fact that i have no appetite (probably due to stress), but i find myself constantly on the internet researching worst case scenarios.
I feel lucky, but at the same time, i feel undeserving of such luck. I feel like there are so many people out there who have had worst fates and were guilty of nothing, and yet i spent so much time lying to myself and to my partner an d was ok?
Today has been a particularly hard day for me. I just wanted to share my experience. I dont think that its the hiv i am scared of anymore, i think i have to deal with the guilt i have been harboring now. Im not quite sure where to start.
My best to anyone who's going through anything like this. You are in my thoughts.
Thank you everyone for your kind words. This weekend was very tough for me, as im sure you gathered from my post. I am working hard to put the past behind me and focus on the future- being the man i want to be and doing right, both for me and the people i love.
I have been having protected sex with my partner since this became and issue and plan on doing so from now on always. Better safe than sorry.
I am cutting out the drinking, as it has lead me to make really stupid decisions in my life. I am going to be finding myself a therapist and working through some of these past issues that are plaguing me these days. I know it sounds corny but it's really true when they say you cant run away from your past, sooner or later it will come back to haunt you. Its time to confront these demons of mine head on.
I do feel blessed to have a chance to make things right, and i dont plan to waste it.
I cant thank you guys enough for your kind words.
My best to you all. I will post again from time to time to update. I think just getting some of these things out of my mind was incredible helpful. Thanks again
I have been having protected sex with my partner since this became and issue and plan on doing so from now on always. Better safe than sorry.
I am cutting out the drinking, as it has lead me to make really stupid decisions in my life. I am going to be finding myself a therapist and working through some of these past issues that are plaguing me these days. I know it sounds corny but it's really true when they say you cant run away from your past, sooner or later it will come back to haunt you. Its time to confront these demons of mine head on.
I do feel blessed to have a chance to make things right, and i dont plan to waste it.
I cant thank you guys enough for your kind words.
My best to you all. I will post again from time to time to update. I think just getting some of these things out of my mind was incredible helpful. Thanks again
I am not totally up to date with all the new tests they are coming out with to check for HIV.
What I know for SURE is the 12 week ELISA test is totally conclusive. (I do not want to get into a debate about HIV testing..........thank you)
Needless to say, I got a bit confused about the timelines in your story, so I don't recall when both you and your partner got tested together and both of you tested negative. But it was AFTER this that you THINK you may have cheated? That this is when you had the "acute HIV" test, the one that is "close" to 100% accurate. But you were still paranoid, so you then had the oraquick advanced finger test and were told that the two combined were more than adequate for a negative result.
This is not the HIV Forum and I do not have their knowledge, but if I were you, I would have the ELISA test done 12 weeks POST your last exposure, (or "possible" last exposure) to ONCE AND FOR ALL put your mind to rest about HIV. I'm just going to assume that between the time of this "possible" exposure and now, any sex with your partner was protected.
But now you are having panic attacks, you can't eat, you are obsessing about HIV, you are Googling all sorts of negative and frightening things on the Net, you are feeling undeserving of good health and while you didn't say it, I'm betting there is one hell of a lot of guilt going on.
But lets back this bus up quite a few years and reconsider what was done to you as a child. You were raped for God's sake, by a relative no less. When your sexual orientation became clear to you, which was that you were bisexual, you state that you were filled with shame. I'm not even going to touch the Catholic part of your story............
Alex, you are so young and you are trying so hard to deal with so much horrible crap from your past, it's getting you all twisted up in your present.
Please, for the sake of your future happiness, get yourself into therapy to deal with what was done to you! It's not just going to go away. You will never simply forget about it. While a great deal of your anxiety is no doubt stemming from your recent (possible) indescretion, I believe the vast majority of it is your past haunting you. And until you confront it, it will always be with you and will sabotage every relationship you have. I really need you to believe me on this........................
You said you didn't know where to start, but you did. You started right here with us. You have no idea what a huge step that was. Now just keep moving forward, baby steps if you have to, but don't stop.
Get past the testing, accept that you and your partner are OK and go from there. Maybe that is a long talk with your partner, getting everything out on the table so there are no secrets, no lies, a strong relationship cannot be built on that foundation. Then a commitment to therapy. And then you get your life back.
It won't be easy, won't lie to you about that. But nothing worth having comes easy.
Please let us know how you're doing, know that we are always here, know that you are not ever alone and you are not alone in what you've gone through.
You now have a few hundred people who have your back.
Peace
Greenlydia
What I know for SURE is the 12 week ELISA test is totally conclusive. (I do not want to get into a debate about HIV testing..........thank you)
Needless to say, I got a bit confused about the timelines in your story, so I don't recall when both you and your partner got tested together and both of you tested negative. But it was AFTER this that you THINK you may have cheated? That this is when you had the "acute HIV" test, the one that is "close" to 100% accurate. But you were still paranoid, so you then had the oraquick advanced finger test and were told that the two combined were more than adequate for a negative result.
This is not the HIV Forum and I do not have their knowledge, but if I were you, I would have the ELISA test done 12 weeks POST your last exposure, (or "possible" last exposure) to ONCE AND FOR ALL put your mind to rest about HIV. I'm just going to assume that between the time of this "possible" exposure and now, any sex with your partner was protected.
But now you are having panic attacks, you can't eat, you are obsessing about HIV, you are Googling all sorts of negative and frightening things on the Net, you are feeling undeserving of good health and while you didn't say it, I'm betting there is one hell of a lot of guilt going on.
But lets back this bus up quite a few years and reconsider what was done to you as a child. You were raped for God's sake, by a relative no less. When your sexual orientation became clear to you, which was that you were bisexual, you state that you were filled with shame. I'm not even going to touch the Catholic part of your story............
Alex, you are so young and you are trying so hard to deal with so much horrible crap from your past, it's getting you all twisted up in your present.
Please, for the sake of your future happiness, get yourself into therapy to deal with what was done to you! It's not just going to go away. You will never simply forget about it. While a great deal of your anxiety is no doubt stemming from your recent (possible) indescretion, I believe the vast majority of it is your past haunting you. And until you confront it, it will always be with you and will sabotage every relationship you have. I really need you to believe me on this........................
You said you didn't know where to start, but you did. You started right here with us. You have no idea what a huge step that was. Now just keep moving forward, baby steps if you have to, but don't stop.
Get past the testing, accept that you and your partner are OK and go from there. Maybe that is a long talk with your partner, getting everything out on the table so there are no secrets, no lies, a strong relationship cannot be built on that foundation. Then a commitment to therapy. And then you get your life back.
It won't be easy, won't lie to you about that. But nothing worth having comes easy.
Please let us know how you're doing, know that we are always here, know that you are not ever alone and you are not alone in what you've gone through.
You now have a few hundred people who have your back.
Peace
Greenlydia
Put it down a lucky escape. You came back negative. Now you have to start with the rest of your life. Accept the results and leave it in the past. I know. Not easy. As the above poster said, you could need some theraphy. Just to clear your head. Get rid of all that guilt and weight inside your mind. Before it takes you down any further. You were a lucky person. Now you life with the ghosts of the past. Get help to set them free. Free your mind. Then you will find things will be fine again.
Sounds like you have a lot going on upstairs! Let me reassure you thàt with everything you talked about anyone would be anxious.have you been to a therapist? With all of your expiriences it seems therapy would really help you straighten things out. Hiv is a common fear for those of us with anxiety and/or ocd. Sometimes just talking about it helps me, I hope telling your story here helped you.
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