Aa
I have bpd and need help.... i have a few relationship questions.
To be honest it's a pretty difficult situation and a very hard thing to explain but I'll try my best to explain and i hope to get a lot of answers.
So 2 years ago before i had anxiety or anything like that, before my first panic attack and before i was mentally ill, I was with my boyfriend who I am still with now. When we first met we liked eachother and started talking on the phone all night that type of thing, so after about maybe a week or two of actually dating he would say some things that really bothered me such as "you have a big nose" "you have a beer belly" "your teeth are too small" um he would go to the store get me say.... a bag of "hot cheetohs" use that against me, saying well i did this for you , he in my opinion was emotionally abusive, we were together for about 6 - 7 months, until i broke it off , because i got accused of having sex with other guys which was totally and completely false, he would always make little rude remarks, and could never apologize, without a "but, well you did this" or without trying to justify himself.
So after i broke up with him about 2-3 months later idk maybe a little sooner or longer then that i started having panic attacks, and that's when everything started to turn bad, and it didn't make sense to me because i thought i was fine, i was abused as a child, my sisters were molested by there father, my moms husband tried to kill me, i used to be with a heroin addict "which i did not know of" and i used to be able to just let that stuff slide, and then i slipped fell off the deep end. Those things were all i could think about, i started having really weird thoughts, and scary thoughts,and i would always think the worst of everything and every situation. At first it was anxiety which turned into gad which turned into depression which turned into depersonalization disorder, which then turned into bi-polar" so they thought"
But a couple months ago i got my diagnosis which was borderline personality disorder. So while i was going through all of the ups and downs of what they thought i had and medication trials and **** up's i reached out to him again, he came and saved me from my dads house, because i hate him, and he knew that and he was there for me everyday i mean 'EVERYDAY' NO MATTER WHAT, without any questions, and without giving me any feelings of guilt. For a while we were friends and then it turned into well should we be together because he made me feel safe and i fell in love, and to me he had changed so much without question.
So we stayed at my moms for a little then we decided to get an apartment because there was too much abuse going on at my moms house, well he backed out on the apartment at first which really hurt me. But we did end up getting one together, so we've lived together for about a year now. And now everything is coming back, everything is my fault if i go out, if he goes through my phone and sees I'm talking to other guys, if i wear lotion, if i get dressed up, if i don't turn a light off? I mean and it doesn't just stop at that. When we fight , he doesn't stop i will cry for three days at a time get sick and go throw up , still doesn't stop. He knows how sensitive i am knows of my bpd and says that he "doesn't know what he says hurts me" or he didn't know back then , and whatever. He will say the meanest things, one night while i was suicidal and he knew of this he told me "i should want to kill myself" he has not only said that. But a bunch of other things, he will look up my illness and use every single part of it against me. He will be like "see you do this , you do this" And i admit yes, he has went through my phone before and found some stuff from other guys and that I've sent to them. But for this reason, he went through my phone once last new years and didn't find anything i told him if you ever invade my privacy again i can guarantee you there will be something to find.
I do not like people going through my things especially when he treats me the way he does and thinks that it's OK . Well i just want to know from a woman's perspective what does this all sound like? I mean am i the bad guy, for talking to other guys, or do you think he has pushed me to this point? And he will go on my facebook, and through my phone. He says so many mean things to me that i can't even think of i mean even infront of my 4 year old sister, who i am very protective of and he knows this. But he will say like i have sex infront of her "which is not true" say that i talk to other guys infront of her. He just seems to be emotionally abusive, is it just me or does it sound like it? I need help because he thinks he does nothing wrong and if he does he can excuse it because i talk to other guys. And i deserve to get talk to and treated like that, and it's all because i have borderline personality disorder. ????? He says "people with borderline always blame others" blah blah? i don't know what to do here.
So 2 years ago before i had anxiety or anything like that, before my first panic attack and before i was mentally ill, I was with my boyfriend who I am still with now. When we first met we liked eachother and started talking on the phone all night that type of thing, so after about maybe a week or two of actually dating he would say some things that really bothered me such as "you have a big nose" "you have a beer belly" "your teeth are too small" um he would go to the store get me say.... a bag of "hot cheetohs" use that against me, saying well i did this for you , he in my opinion was emotionally abusive, we were together for about 6 - 7 months, until i broke it off , because i got accused of having sex with other guys which was totally and completely false, he would always make little rude remarks, and could never apologize, without a "but, well you did this" or without trying to justify himself.
So after i broke up with him about 2-3 months later idk maybe a little sooner or longer then that i started having panic attacks, and that's when everything started to turn bad, and it didn't make sense to me because i thought i was fine, i was abused as a child, my sisters were molested by there father, my moms husband tried to kill me, i used to be with a heroin addict "which i did not know of" and i used to be able to just let that stuff slide, and then i slipped fell off the deep end. Those things were all i could think about, i started having really weird thoughts, and scary thoughts,and i would always think the worst of everything and every situation. At first it was anxiety which turned into gad which turned into depression which turned into depersonalization disorder, which then turned into bi-polar" so they thought"
But a couple months ago i got my diagnosis which was borderline personality disorder. So while i was going through all of the ups and downs of what they thought i had and medication trials and **** up's i reached out to him again, he came and saved me from my dads house, because i hate him, and he knew that and he was there for me everyday i mean 'EVERYDAY' NO MATTER WHAT, without any questions, and without giving me any feelings of guilt. For a while we were friends and then it turned into well should we be together because he made me feel safe and i fell in love, and to me he had changed so much without question.
So we stayed at my moms for a little then we decided to get an apartment because there was too much abuse going on at my moms house, well he backed out on the apartment at first which really hurt me. But we did end up getting one together, so we've lived together for about a year now. And now everything is coming back, everything is my fault if i go out, if he goes through my phone and sees I'm talking to other guys, if i wear lotion, if i get dressed up, if i don't turn a light off? I mean and it doesn't just stop at that. When we fight , he doesn't stop i will cry for three days at a time get sick and go throw up , still doesn't stop. He knows how sensitive i am knows of my bpd and says that he "doesn't know what he says hurts me" or he didn't know back then , and whatever. He will say the meanest things, one night while i was suicidal and he knew of this he told me "i should want to kill myself" he has not only said that. But a bunch of other things, he will look up my illness and use every single part of it against me. He will be like "see you do this , you do this" And i admit yes, he has went through my phone before and found some stuff from other guys and that I've sent to them. But for this reason, he went through my phone once last new years and didn't find anything i told him if you ever invade my privacy again i can guarantee you there will be something to find.
I do not like people going through my things especially when he treats me the way he does and thinks that it's OK . Well i just want to know from a woman's perspective what does this all sound like? I mean am i the bad guy, for talking to other guys, or do you think he has pushed me to this point? And he will go on my facebook, and through my phone. He says so many mean things to me that i can't even think of i mean even infront of my 4 year old sister, who i am very protective of and he knows this. But he will say like i have sex infront of her "which is not true" say that i talk to other guys infront of her. He just seems to be emotionally abusive, is it just me or does it sound like it? I need help because he thinks he does nothing wrong and if he does he can excuse it because i talk to other guys. And i deserve to get talk to and treated like that, and it's all because i have borderline personality disorder. ????? He says "people with borderline always blame others" blah blah? i don't know what to do here.
It's ok haha thankyou for the advice, it's short and sweet and probably right. <3
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