My Anxiety Makes me Feel Inhuman

[fantasticallyfictional]

To start this out, a little background. I'm 20 years old, I'm a virgin, never been kissed, was diagnosed with ADD when I was in 7th grade, depression when I was in 9th, bipoloar last year, and Acute Anxiety Disorder last year. In terms of interpersonal communication I have one friend, I try and make more but always feel like I'm making an ******* out of myself. I honestly wake up every morning dreading the day and fall asleep every night hoping I don't wake up to another day of emotional pain. I don't feel like I CAN connect to anyone, I don't feel like I'm even on the same plane of existence as most of these other people, some I'm unfathomably higher than, others I'm not even worthy of being the ground they walk on. I try and fake confidence and if I do say so, I'm quite good at it. I honestly have desensitized emotions, and on top of that, people can tell that I just don't care and that's not good. I really want people to like and respect me but I don't feel like it will ever happen. I want a girlfriend but I've been played so many times I'm terrified of even trying to get one.

And the worst part?
The absolute worst part is that my world feels like its falling apart. Not just falling apart but falling apart and disintegrating as it happens. I've been miserable since I was 8 and want this to stop. The other night I had a dream that I resolved an issue I had with the last girl I tried to get into a relationship with, it was a complicated situation, and immediately following the resolving of the issue the world started to fall apart. The atmosphere tore open causing catastrophic damage massive winds, sucking everything I've worked for and loved away from me. The only safe place was an apocalypse shelter at the local hospital, all hospitals had them in the dream but not much space was available.

Why? I mean really, why does my life have to constantly get worse everyday? I think that Office Space explained it best, "every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life."

Any words? Can anyone tell me something that will make me feel like the world isn't out to rape me? Can anyone actually help? I've been on over 10 medications in the last year and nothing has ever worked...

Anything helps.

[Focker777]

Hey, man.

I know how you feel. I have a drug-induced panic disorder and for the past two months I would wake up just to think I'm having a heart attack everyday. At  the beginning, I felt like the whole world wasn't real. Sometimes I would wonder if I was even real, but then again I have done a lot of psychadelic drugs. I have been through a lot in my life. I've seen my mom beat up by my step-dad, I've seen my home completely destroyed by a raging alcoholic, I've been done wrong by girls, I've been depressed. Earlier this year, my ex-girlfriend told me she was pregnant. I was a freshman in college. I was 18 years old. She had an abortion and that Really tore me up. I've been depressed numerous times in my life, and after it all... I still wake up every day with a smile on my face. I keep my confidence up and try to ride the world. Because if you let it ride you, then you're just going to collapse. I've been through a lot of crap, and I'm here for you, bro. There's nothing worse than seeing someone in pain, much less feeling that pain every day. People are here for you and never think that you're not good enough for someone. Bc each person is good enough for somebody, no matter who that might be. Don't think of yourself less than anyone else, but equal.

Much love,
Cody

[fantasticallyfictional]

also I have come to the conclusion that I will never be good enough for anyone, I'm 100% solid on that, I mean if I can't even take care of myself how will anyone ever want to be with me?

[fantasticallyfictional]

I seem to be getting worse if that sounds possible... I'm to the point where I don't even understand why I even try. I don't mean in an emo figurative manner but I do think this? It's not like my work isn't up to par, it's the contrary it's above average maybe even good. I just don't want to be around to see my life go back to hell, I want this to be over and I want to not feel like this anymore. I was hoping that someone would kill me yesterday when I was walking around a city, not exaggerating. And the medication I'm on doesn't make anything better, it actually makes me more paranoid.

More symptoms are appearing, loss of sleep, less restful sleep when I sleep, paranoia, extreme depression, intense fear, loss of focus, more isolation from society, and all of this is causing my entire outlook on things like money management to change.

make this end

[Detours211]

Hi there,

I agree with what the others have said in their posts.  Find something you love to do and make yourself do it.

I think something that may help you is this:  First, there are many, many people in the same situation as you.  Take comfort in that.  Think about that.  Literally, say it out loud to yourself, "There are many people in the same situation as me."

I have been going through something terrifying medically for the last 5 weeks of my life that has forced me to not be able to work, to exercise, or to do simple household chores.  And I'm only 29.  I don't know what my future holds and I've been terrified.  But I have been telling myself the same thing that I just told you.  There are many people in the same situation as me.  

I encourage you to continue to post on this forum (and other forums).  There are wonderful people here who care very much about other people.  We get each other through.


Don't EVER compare yourself with anyone else - it is the quickest road to misery.  Just be yourself and put yourself first in your life.  That's right.  Put yourself FIRST.  BEFORE everyone else.  If you can't take care of  yourself, you can't take care of anything or anyone else.

Continue to talk to doctors.  They can get you through.  Go in there with a list of questions and comments and don't leave until they have all been answered.

Finally, and don't worry I'm not a religious guy, but I do believe that believing in some kind of higher power will help you through anything in life.  When you think, "No I can't."  you just tell yourself "Yes I can."  Say it OUT LOUD to yourself.  Make yourself HEAR yourself, giving your self positive advice.  Say things like "I'm Not going to do this today - this self pity.  I'm not.  Go to h*ll, self pity, b/c I'm not dealing with you anymore."

I hope some or any of this has helped you.  You can private message me if you want.  I'm not that much older than you and used to be in a similar situation.  

Good luck to you.

[lanvin]

Thats cool, stay involved, we aren't all social butterflies in the world. You just have to learn to like what you have to offer and never compare yourself to other people. Things aren't always as they seem. Stay connected with your creative side, its a great theraputic outlet. Sometime life is just depressing,make a gratitude list.

[fantasticallyfictional]

Interesting you say to get into art and music because I'm an art major and I play about 5 instruments. I've also been going to a psychiatrist and a psychologist since I before I dropped out of college. I'm at a different college about to get my associate degree, just to toss that out there.

[lanvin]

Have you had Behavioral therapy? Sounds like you may have some severe chronic depression . WHatever has caused it happened along time ago since you have been feeling this way since 8. Get into therapy or a support group for people with anxiety and or depression. Find something you love to do, art, music, whatever you like and get into it. Working out, sports. Seek out love for yourself and your life and the rest will follow. Not everyone has tons of friends , its ok to be different and to be alone. Trust me with my experience, woman can smell desperation and will take advantage. So try not to focus on that yet. The world isn't out to rape you.....