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Why can't I let go? Please help!
I'm a 24 y/o man, haven't been promiscuous, my last HIV test came out negative and since then I've only had 3 encounters. 2 protected ones with a friend, but about a month ago I went to a college party in which I got drunk and ended up engaging in oral sex (as a giver) with an unknown man in the bathroom. Idk why I did it, maybe I felt lonely, maybe I was horny, I just don't know. I've been regretting it ever since. Scared I might have gotten HIV and even though I've been told on this and other site several times that I'm more at risk of beng hit by a meteorite, I can't shake this feeling of deserving being infected. I certainly can't wait three months like this until I can test. I've started to have suicidal thoughts, I can't sleep, I have no apetite, I feel shaky and sweaty all the time. I feel like everything is closing in on me, as if I ruined my whole life for a one minute ** I didn't even enjoy. I went to the doctor and he thinks I'm ok. At first I was more worried about other stds, but since my dr said it wasn't any of them now I'm super worried about HIV.
Why can't I let go?
Why can't I believe I'm ok?
Why do I keep thinking I might be the exception?
Why can't I let go?
Why can't I believe I'm ok?
Why do I keep thinking I might be the exception?
Best of luck, and keep posting if you have "uncontrollable" anxiety pop up again. You have come a long way from suicidal thoughts on Jan 8.
I know. I just needed to SEE the results. It's an anxiety thing. I trusted you guys. The whole process meant a new start for me, it was more a psychological and emotional experience more than anything else.
Thank you so much for keeping me sane throughout the whole time <3
Thank you so much for keeping me sane throughout the whole time <3
You wasted your time getting tested since no one in history got it from doing what you did.
Hey girls! and SFguy3881
I just wanted to say that I went against your advice and tested... That's just my ocd wanting closure.
I tested at 4 weeks for hiv-1/hiv-2... It came out negative!
My dr said up to 80% of people have produced enough antibodies by then, here I've read that up to 90%. My dr. also said that I shouldn't worry, that the 3 month span is used in High risk cases, where there's still a probability someone can seroconvert. He told me that if anxiety was still getting the best of me I should test at 8 weeks. But he thought I was overreacting and still thinks my results are definite.
SFguy3881: I was just like you, I would cry alone sometimes, I think I was read to blame myself instead of accepting myslef, this has brought me a lot of problems and a permanent feeling that there has to be something wrong with me... In short, I get your fears, but I thought a printed positive would be more clear than incertitude. LAst night I decided I would accept my results. I hope now that I got a paper that says NEGATIVE I will be able to stop thinking about it. If yours was so long ago you won't even have to ponder to test four weeks after you get your results. I get you, because even though we trust our doctors and the people in the forum we just don't seem able to trust ourselves (I guess, I'm speaking from my experience here). I hope you get confident enough to test, so you can finally put this behind.
I'm not feeling suffocated anymore. There is such a sense of possibility.
I'll make sure to keep you guys inform of a relapse or if I decide to test again.
In the meantime thank you for EVERYTHING! I couldn't have made it this far without your kind words. I'm a very anxious person, and my body suffers a lot. I had stopped eating, was hurting and having all kinds of symptoms, which dramatically decreased thaks to you guys. I would be really sick and weak now if it hadn't been for you.
Much love, always.
vert.
I just wanted to say that I went against your advice and tested... That's just my ocd wanting closure.
I tested at 4 weeks for hiv-1/hiv-2... It came out negative!
My dr said up to 80% of people have produced enough antibodies by then, here I've read that up to 90%. My dr. also said that I shouldn't worry, that the 3 month span is used in High risk cases, where there's still a probability someone can seroconvert. He told me that if anxiety was still getting the best of me I should test at 8 weeks. But he thought I was overreacting and still thinks my results are definite.
SFguy3881: I was just like you, I would cry alone sometimes, I think I was read to blame myself instead of accepting myslef, this has brought me a lot of problems and a permanent feeling that there has to be something wrong with me... In short, I get your fears, but I thought a printed positive would be more clear than incertitude. LAst night I decided I would accept my results. I hope now that I got a paper that says NEGATIVE I will be able to stop thinking about it. If yours was so long ago you won't even have to ponder to test four weeks after you get your results. I get you, because even though we trust our doctors and the people in the forum we just don't seem able to trust ourselves (I guess, I'm speaking from my experience here). I hope you get confident enough to test, so you can finally put this behind.
I'm not feeling suffocated anymore. There is such a sense of possibility.
I'll make sure to keep you guys inform of a relapse or if I decide to test again.
In the meantime thank you for EVERYTHING! I couldn't have made it this far without your kind words. I'm a very anxious person, and my body suffers a lot. I had stopped eating, was hurting and having all kinds of symptoms, which dramatically decreased thaks to you guys. I would be really sick and weak now if it hadn't been for you.
Much love, always.
vert.
You read ng's advice. Take the same advice given to vert here, or search the internet forever.
I am in the same shoes as you. I had a no/low risk exposure(received oral for a few seconds and I did not even asked for it) last year and even though the Dr. in the HIV forum told me I have no risk for HIV but I still cannot shake the feeling of being the first one infected through receipt of oral sex. I want to go test but too scare too even though the Dr said it is not necessary to test. I cannot talk to my family, friends, and of coz my wife on this issue because I feel so ashame of what I did. I sometimes even cried when I was alone. I have no symptons except fatigue and I believe that is caused by stress and anxiety. I keep on searching the net and read every post about oral sex in this site and still cannot make me confortable about my risk.
I really stressed out and need some advice.
I really stressed out and need some advice.
Thank you girls! I followed your advice, went to lunch and then to rent a couple of movies to watch with friends. I have the temptation to browse for stuff, but I'll follow your advice and re-read the info you posted.
FEAR IS NO FACT! (applying this as my new motto in life)
FEAR IS NO FACT! (applying this as my new motto in life)
An hiv test is useless since there is no way you can have it. Reread ng's link next time you think you need a test. You need to follow all ng's advice in her last post instead of planning for the date of your next hiv test. Likely the test result won't convince you, so planning for a test is just postponing what needs to be done -which is to start a self-curing program and/or seeing a therapist.
One thing you are doing right is posting what you are doing here, so keep it up and get to work on the highway to happiness instead of the anxiety laden road where you search for possible ways to self-destruct.
One thing you are doing right is posting what you are doing here, so keep it up and get to work on the highway to happiness instead of the anxiety laden road where you search for possible ways to self-destruct.
You need to get engaged in life, find things to do to keep your mind occupied. Continuing to search the internet will only fuel your anxiety and keep you in the cycle of "what if" thinking. I can promise you that you can find all KINDS of stuff online that will make you think and make you worry. That doesn't mean the info is based in facts or science.
You need to start taking back the control here.
Again, remember, FEAR IS NOT FACT!
You need to start taking back the control here.
Again, remember, FEAR IS NOT FACT!
I failed. I started looking for answers again. Got confused yet again. My fears are starting to take over again :( went to this site they reccomended here http://hivinsite.ucsf.edu/hiv?page=basics-00-08
I want to believe what you've said. That I don't have an HIV concern, but this kind of stuff makes me feel so anxious and like I need to get tested because of that small chance :( plus I'm afraid he had other stds so the risk is higher or that he was recently infected hence he had a huge viral load. Would these possibilities increase my chances of getting HIV??
I want to believe what you've said. That I don't have an HIV concern, but this kind of stuff makes me feel so anxious and like I need to get tested because of that small chance :( plus I'm afraid he had other stds so the risk is higher or that he was recently infected hence he had a huge viral load. Would these possibilities increase my chances of getting HIV??
Hi. It's been a couple of days. My other symptoms such as muscle pain and frequent urination have ceased. Every time I think about HIV I get a little nervous but remember what you said. However today I woke up really upset about it. Is it too early to take a test? I really don't now what happened, I was doing Ok and then today I'm just all shay about it! Though coming back here and reading the thread again makes me feel a little better :)
If you get nervous, post here before you go for a useless test so we can refresh your memory of what it takes to get through this unnecessarily anxious time..
I believe I have. Reading the in depth facts posted by nursegirl and reading the viewpoint of people who actually work in the health department close to this type of cases has been relieving. So much that I've decided to work on forgiving myself and putting this behind. I'll get help to deal with my anxiety and guilt. IF (and only if) I'm still worried or paranoid about being infected I'll test in two months. I hope though that in a couple of weeks from now I won't longer feel the need to test be able to really move on. Thank you very much for your kindness.
How about you, vert? Are you accepting that there is nothing to fear now? Has change of lifestyle been taken off your action plan?
Thank you nursegirl!!!! That was exceedingly more than I ever expected. Thank you both for your words!! May this year and forever be full of blessings for you.
HIV related anxiety is VERY common. You were probably able to see that by reading through the posts on the HIV forum. I'd also say that oral sex worries are THE most commonly asked questions on the HIV forum. You said you would feel better if you had gotten a more thorough answer. Read this health page I created for this exact topic:
http://www.medhelp.org/health_pages/HIV/HIV-AND-ORAL-SEX-THE-FACTS/show/1278?cid=68
HIV related anxiety/phobias/OCD often stems from regret, guilt and shame over a sexual encounter, and you're no exception in that regard. While you did something that might have been a little out of character for you, it's not in any way disgusting, or does it make you a bad person. Alcohol and sex are not the greatest mix either, as it often leads people to do things they normally wouldn't, or to take more risks than they would be comfortable with. Just something to think about. Watch the drinking. Until you get yourself to a better place mentally, it would be wise to avoid putting yourself in situations you will later stress about.
The other reason HIV anxiety is so prevalent is because of the fear-based educational models that have been around since the birth of the illness. People are taught to fear HIV and taught that it's very easy to get. That couldn't be farther from the truth. Even MOST people with REAL risks, HIGH risks don't end up infected. HIV is a much more rare disease than most people think. There are a lot of misconceptions about HIV that lead a lot of people to have inflated views about HIV risks. That's not to say that people shouldn't protect themselves and educate themselves, it just means it's not something MOST people will EVER have to worry about.
You don't have an HIV concern. If you continue to have a hard time accepting that as a reality, then it's time to get yourself some professional help. Like Lizzie Lou on the HIV forum says, "FEAR IS NOT FACT". You're stuck on the fear, rather than focusing on the FACTS. Hopefully my health page will help you to understand the FACTS a little better, and science behind why we say that oral sex is NO risk.
Even the docs, who sometimes state that oral is a "low risk" activity state that it's so far from the realm of possibility, that testing isn't warranted.
http://www.medhelp.org/health_pages/HIV/HIV-AND-ORAL-SEX-THE-FACTS/show/1278?cid=68
HIV related anxiety/phobias/OCD often stems from regret, guilt and shame over a sexual encounter, and you're no exception in that regard. While you did something that might have been a little out of character for you, it's not in any way disgusting, or does it make you a bad person. Alcohol and sex are not the greatest mix either, as it often leads people to do things they normally wouldn't, or to take more risks than they would be comfortable with. Just something to think about. Watch the drinking. Until you get yourself to a better place mentally, it would be wise to avoid putting yourself in situations you will later stress about.
The other reason HIV anxiety is so prevalent is because of the fear-based educational models that have been around since the birth of the illness. People are taught to fear HIV and taught that it's very easy to get. That couldn't be farther from the truth. Even MOST people with REAL risks, HIGH risks don't end up infected. HIV is a much more rare disease than most people think. There are a lot of misconceptions about HIV that lead a lot of people to have inflated views about HIV risks. That's not to say that people shouldn't protect themselves and educate themselves, it just means it's not something MOST people will EVER have to worry about.
You don't have an HIV concern. If you continue to have a hard time accepting that as a reality, then it's time to get yourself some professional help. Like Lizzie Lou on the HIV forum says, "FEAR IS NOT FACT". You're stuck on the fear, rather than focusing on the FACTS. Hopefully my health page will help you to understand the FACTS a little better, and science behind why we say that oral sex is NO risk.
Even the docs, who sometimes state that oral is a "low risk" activity state that it's so far from the realm of possibility, that testing isn't warranted.
Thank you for taking the time to read and reply. It really means so much for me!
Also noticed I got a note from Teak saying I shouldn't keep posing about a neg test or a no-risk situation... I guess this means he doesn't think I have it either.
I'll see counselling or somehing in order to talk about my guilt and paranoia. Maybe once the emotional aspects of the whole situation are calm, also my fears will.
Also noticed I got a note from Teak saying I shouldn't keep posing about a neg test or a no-risk situation... I guess this means he doesn't think I have it either.
I'll see counselling or somehing in order to talk about my guilt and paranoia. Maybe once the emotional aspects of the whole situation are calm, also my fears will.
You can't get it from oral. That is not low risk - it is no risk. I hope that is reassuring because you are not making a point when you say you are gay so you must have hiv.
This is my question in the HIV prevention forum btw... http://www.medhelp.org/posts/HIV-Prevention/Please--I-really-need-someone-to-help-me/show/2074378#post_9825897
Thank you for reaching out.
Thank you for reaching out.
Thank you so much. It actually helped a little. Even though the weren't the exact same situation, but the advice they were given was accurate I guess. Why wouldn't it be in my case right? However when I think that 1. Being gay 2. Having sex with a stranger and 3. letting him *** in my mouth, just make three huge reasons for me to be at super risk.
Given my anxiety issues in regards to the subject it's just hard for me to accept the brief answers given by the people in the HIV forum. I get it, though, that they answer so many questions like mine, but I wish someone gave me a longer more reassuring answer. Something in my shakes and breaks when I come across the terms "no risk" and "low risk". Makes me think that maybe "low risk" may apply to the average joe, but I am a gay man, who had sex with a stranger and let him *** in my mouth. That puts me in such a higher risk right? I don't know. It makes me feel so worthless that I wasn't able to think or control myself. This whole event has been haunting me for 23 days. I want to turn the page, but i can't,not till I either get a negative test or hear a convincing statement of how I certainly couldn't have gotten infected. I don't think I'll be able to handle these two months. I'm terrified.
Given my anxiety issues in regards to the subject it's just hard for me to accept the brief answers given by the people in the HIV forum. I get it, though, that they answer so many questions like mine, but I wish someone gave me a longer more reassuring answer. Something in my shakes and breaks when I come across the terms "no risk" and "low risk". Makes me think that maybe "low risk" may apply to the average joe, but I am a gay man, who had sex with a stranger and let him *** in my mouth. That puts me in such a higher risk right? I don't know. It makes me feel so worthless that I wasn't able to think or control myself. This whole event has been haunting me for 23 days. I want to turn the page, but i can't,not till I either get a negative test or hear a convincing statement of how I certainly couldn't have gotten infected. I don't think I'll be able to handle these two months. I'm terrified.
Here are 2 examples of fear of hiv getting the better of people's judgement. Perhaps reading their stories will help you. There is also an hiv forum which I have never looked at, but I bet you can find lots of people with similar stories.
http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Anxiety/Possible-HIV-infection-from-heat-rash/show/1893432?personal_page_id=890501
http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Obsessive-Compulsive-Disorder-OCD-/hiv-ocd/show/1990557?personal_page_id=890501
http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Anxiety/Possible-HIV-infection-from-heat-rash/show/1893432?personal_page_id=890501
http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Obsessive-Compulsive-Disorder-OCD-/hiv-ocd/show/1990557?personal_page_id=890501
Does it make sense that you will be unlucky because you deserve it? If so, explain why lots of criminals go unpunished.
Many people come to this site every year posting the same HIV fear that you have, so it isn't hard to become a bit of an expert after reading a few. They are all the same - they took the test and did not test positive but for some reason they think they are the 1 in 10 billion that got HIV through oral or using a condom or some other way that is medically impossible.
One reason I know you can't get it that way is because they stop posting after a few dozen times - either they stop worrying or get counselling - but no one ever comes back here years later and says they actually did develop HIV, so I know the tests are 100% reliable and it is human imagination that is unreliable. Your fears are making your imagination run wild right now.
Many people come to this site every year posting the same HIV fear that you have, so it isn't hard to become a bit of an expert after reading a few. They are all the same - they took the test and did not test positive but for some reason they think they are the 1 in 10 billion that got HIV through oral or using a condom or some other way that is medically impossible.
One reason I know you can't get it that way is because they stop posting after a few dozen times - either they stop worrying or get counselling - but no one ever comes back here years later and says they actually did develop HIV, so I know the tests are 100% reliable and it is human imagination that is unreliable. Your fears are making your imagination run wild right now.
I don't now... I just think I might be very unlucky, that I deserve it because of how foul what I've done is. I guess you're right and I think I just can't get away with this without any consecquences...
But how am I to trust those who, on this webpage, have told me that I was not at risk?
Would you say you do?
I see you stand on oral sex as safe sex in relation to hiv, how did you come to this conclusion?
But how am I to trust those who, on this webpage, have told me that I was not at risk?
Would you say you do?
I see you stand on oral sex as safe sex in relation to hiv, how did you come to this conclusion?
First get the disease before you start making plans to adjust your lifestyle. Since you can't get it from oral that is even more reason to stop planning a new lifestyle.
Secondly stop beating yourself up over a past event - especially one that will have zero effect on you. You are confusing guilt with punishment - there isn't any connection unless you are going to keep punishing yourself.
You also obsess that you are 1 in 10 million in that you have some exotic method of catching a disease that no one else in history has done before. I am wondering why you think you are so much different than other people that would allow this odds defying event to occur. Is there any other event in your life that you have accomplished to date that made you even a 1 in 1,000 person that could have triggered your pattern of thinking?
Secondly stop beating yourself up over a past event - especially one that will have zero effect on you. You are confusing guilt with punishment - there isn't any connection unless you are going to keep punishing yourself.
You also obsess that you are 1 in 10 million in that you have some exotic method of catching a disease that no one else in history has done before. I am wondering why you think you are so much different than other people that would allow this odds defying event to occur. Is there any other event in your life that you have accomplished to date that made you even a 1 in 1,000 person that could have triggered your pattern of thinking?
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