To Raine9, Tanns & All

[hatgal]

Raine9 - I thought I'd open a new thread as we were kinda intruding on the zoloft question thread.  I hope your medical issues work out for you; I'll be thinking of you.  I actually had a WONDERFUL neurosurgeon for myfusion surgery.  He actually, himself, returned my calls post-surgery when I had concerns.  Last week when I saw him, I broke down in tears b/c of the lack of help I have here at home and the pain I continue to be in b/c of the lack of help.  I think he wanted to come home with me and I really would have welcomed that (LOL).  He's just a very caring doctor/man and  he said that he is very concerned about getting me physically and mentally healthy again.  What a Love!

I really can't afford day care for my 2 year old, but she would be good in a doctor's office so I really think I'll try and go.  My husband wants NOTHING to do with counseling; isn't that nice?  Doesn't care what's bugging me - just wants sex and everythiing will be great!  Meanwhile he lives like a bachelor.  Example - Saturday night we had a graduation party to go to.  Both my 10 year old and 2 year old were ready to go home at midnight (understandably).  Well hubby was having such a great time with his buddieshe stayed.  I get home and the 2 year old is bawling that she wants to go home (to our old house).  I call him and he says that he should have come home with me.  Ok, then he continues to stay out until 4:00 am, left the party and went to a bar, where I suspect some hanky panky going on (we own the bar).  I have come to believe that he had this all planned out.  So that was a great Saturday night for me; if he had plans to go out after the party, I could have gotten a sitter, but he never mentioned it for me to go out. He just does whatever he feels like and screw me.  Also with the surgery thing, he gave me maybe 2 days for recovery then went on a 4 day golf trip! Leaving me alone with the three kids!  Then comes home and has several golf outings planned!

Ok, I'm really venting here, but this is why I haven't posted in a while.  I am just very, very angry and for one, it is really affecting my kids.  I guess I'll get to counseling on my own.

Tanns - How are you doing?  Please feel free to vent to me as well.  I do miss this forum and being able to let it all out!

Best to all........... Lilly

[Raine9]

I'm glad you decided to vent here.  I hope writing all this helped a little.  It is so hard when the people who should be helping us, don't.  You have every right to be angry!  However, I know that you don't want it to affect your kids.  When I get stressed out, I lose patience with my daughter.  Then I feel very guilty.  She has so much energy, can be so rebellious and is so curious about everything, I just can't keep up with her sometimes.  I love her so much, though.  God forbid, if anything happened to her or my son, I would die.  

Your husband sounds a little like my sister's husband.  He sometimes leaves with his buddies for an entire weekend and leaves my sister home with all 4 kids!  My sister will whip his butt in shape, though.  Then he behaves. (LOL)  I don't know all the details of your marital situation.  Nonetheless, being the person I am, I would give him an ultimatum and if he doesn't change I would kick his butt  to the curb.  I would not put up with that ****!  However, I know there are kids involved and financial issues, so it is easier said than done.

I feel so bad for you, Lilly.   That's too much for one person to go through.  I hope you can get to a therapist to help you through this.  I know it's a bit cliche but this will make you a stronger person in the end.  Hang tight, hon.  Keep posting, we will be here for you.

It's 11:16 a.m. where I am.  1 hour and 44 minutes to go before I see the doc.  Ugh!!

Take care.

[bip]

I have very high anxiety myself its not affecting my kids yet and Im starting to see a councelor now cause I worry to much and its affecting me.  I hope things go well with you and hope you stay on this forum so we can help eachother.....

[hatgal]

Thanks bip for your input; you also must conquer your anxiety and get on with life (easier said, I know).

Raine9:  Our marriage has gone down the sh... tube ever since we opened the restaurant/bar almost 2 years ago.  I keep saying it's not that, but he makes it that.  I totally encourage him to take an active part in the day-to-day operations, but he takes it further by "mingling" with the 21-year old girls.  He thinks it'a all innocent, but I assure you the girls are not thinking that!  And he has been chastised by both me and his brother (his partner) for getting blasted and staying up there past closing hours.  He has distanced himself from me and the kids - he doesn't even know what the 2 year old is saying most of the time b/c he's not around.  I have a tendency to drink too much and then blow up and he says this is the entire problem with our marriage - my binge drinking.  Hey, when I've been happy in the past and get tipsy and I'm a happy, frisky drunk, he's all for it!  He refuses to believe that there are underlying problems that cause me to behave that way when I've been drinking.  And, I  have come to the realization and I am not going to binge drink anymore until I get my mental status under control.  So guess what - I got mad and blew up at him yesterday WHEN I WAS SOBER!  So what's his excuse now??!!  He just walked away and is not speaking to me now.

OMG - I have so much to vent and I really don't like to be a downer on my friends all the time and that is why I haven't talked to them much lately either.  I very much appreciate all of your support and listening; it helps a bit.

Let me know how your doctor appointment goes Raine; hope all is good!  Best....... Lilly

[tanns]

I'm late getting in tonight but I wanted to get a quick note and tell you to please don't leave us.  You are needing some serious support and I know we can help.  Even if it is just "venting".  I know what it is like not to want to talk to family or friends about this.  You'll never know how much you, as well as some others, helped me that panic stricken day that I thought for sure I wouldn't make it.

I know that we can help support you as well.  Stick around!

We'll be thinking of you!

[Raine9]

hatgal:

You are so different than the "hatgal" I knew from a few months ago.  Your posts were so happy and positive.  I am so sorry this is happening to you.  It's okay to vent.  The problems with your husband are tough.  I wouldn't even know where to begin.  You really need help from a therapist or family members.  That's good that you have your brother-in-law on your side.  I think your decision to stop drinking is a good one.  You are on medication right?  It's probably not a good idea to mix the two.  If it makes you feel better to write about it here, by all means write away.  We will be here for you in any way we can.  If it were me though and my husband acted that way, I would kick his butt out until he gets his act together.  Don't put up with his ****!  


hatgal and tanns:

My appointment went well.  Results were positive.  I only have Thalassemia Minor.  Thank God!  And that "other" little procedure went well too, no cancer found.  I took 1 mg Klonopin in the morning and that did help calm my nerves.  

Hope you too have a good night.  We'll chat again.  

[hatgal]

I know what you mean; I'm falling apart, but as I said to bip in her post, I think it would be alot worse if not for my meds.  I've just had a hell of a summer - surgery, losing my house, packing, moving, unpacking, God-awful periods for which I need a hysterectomy (I had three periods the month of June!).  And to top it off, the husband thing. He wasn't always like this, mind you.  Back when we built our house five years ago was a very good time; we were doing very well financially, mentally, etc.  Then the fallout from 9/11 affected our businesses like you would not believe and our incomes were cut in less than half.  Long story short, we struggled to get back on our feet, but our work never came back to us as a result of 9/11 (and still hasn't).  BUT, right when we moved into our house five years ago, I developed mastoiditis for which I was hospitalized for 3 days with IV antibiotics.  Then (and this was posted a little ways down) the only thing that finally knocked out the infection was Levaquin.  Do you know how wonderful my husband was during that time??!!  He unpacked every single box while I was in the hospital and put the house together for my arrival home.  Then at our housewarming party, my brother-in-law (now ex) verbally sexually assaulted me.  That turned out to be a family fiasco, but my husband was there holding my hand the entire way.  He's not that person anymore and I don't know how to get him back and he won't go to counseling, which I think would help him tremendously.  Even the kids see a drastic change in him.  My 15-year-old went off today for her first day of sophmore year and he never even got up to send her off with me.

So, please shed some advice my way on how I could handle this; it's breaking my heart and the kids' as well.  Oh, gosh, thank you so much for listening/reading these very long posts.

I am trying to get on with life myself; I'm going back to school this week on-line to get my medical transcription degree, and, thanks to a B-complex vitamin I've been  taking, I feel I'm starting to get organized like I used to be.  But I want my husband/family back.

Thanks again for reading and I'm very glad to hear of your good news.  What is Thalassemia, if I may ask?  My very best to you.......... Lilly

[hatgal]

I am so glad I was of comfort to you back then; can you refresh my memory as to what you were going through?  I think I remember and I could research the archives, but I hope you're doing better.  I also hope I can still be of support to you.  I've had this for so long with so many different symptoms, I can relate to alot of issues.  Best..... Lilly

[Raine9]

Thalassemia Minor is just a genetic blood disorder that is common in certain races.  It's harmless and cause mild symptoms like fatigue and shortness of breath when excercising.  Thalassemia Major is the more serious form.  Thank God, I don't have that.  People with that have to get blood transfusions.  

To be completely honest with you, Lilly, your husband is not gonna change if he doesn't want to change.  He's dragging you and your kids down.  You have to have a serious talk with him and give him an ultimatum.  If he doesn't respond, you should leave.  That's what I would do.  You and your kids deserve to be happy.  I know it's a hard thing to do but sticking around with someone like that is not gonna help your situation.  

I dated a guy in college for many years only to find out that he could never marry me because I was not Jewish.  I wasted 3 years of my life with this person.  He led me to believe that he could convince his family to accept me.  Then he told me that they would never accept me because I was not Jewish.  He knew all along.  He said that he never thought it would work out between the two of us and that we would probably break up for other reasons any way.  Well, he was wrong and he admitted that.  We are very good friends now.  But at the time, the news of his family not accepting me was very hard on me.  When I was with him though, I thought I could not live without him and even considered converting to Judaism.  That wouldn't have made a difference to his family though.  The person has to be born Jewish.  Conversion doesn't count.  I didn't realize it at the time but the relationship brought me down and didn't allow me to be happy.  When we finally did break up, I was surprised at how good I felt.  I felt so free!  I was no longer burdened by the pressure to convert or to care about him or anything!  It felt so good.  It took a long time for me to finally let go but when I did, I felt so liberated!

It's more complicated with your situation because there are kids and finances involved.  The idea of divorce is not an easy thing.  I'm not saying you have to get a divorce but if your husband doesn't want to change, you can't let him drag you and your kids down.  YOU GUYS DESERVE BETTER!

Do what you think is best for you and your children.

Hope things get better.  Keep us posted.

[suzi-q]

I did not realize all that you were going thru.  I am glad to see tht you are physically getting better.  And that is what you need to focus on.  How old is your husband?  I ask because it sounds like a midlife crisis to me.  And it is totally unfair to you and your children.  Get the help you need from a counselor and see what she says about your situation and ways that you can handle it.  My best to you and glad to see you back.