losing my job and my mind

[Vita89]

I am in my twenties. I've had anxiety and depression from as early  i can remember as 8 years old. I have a psychiatrist who has tried me on over 10 different medications (antidepressants) and NOTHING has seemed to help. I went on disability while I was testing out medications with my doctor. I had some savings from a family member's Will and i got psychotherapy with it. It helped me a lot at the time. But what helped me most to the point where I could live life again was klonopin. I got an amazing job and an amazing boyfriend. I decided to come off klonopin slowly. My psychiatrist took me off, I tapered off of 2mgs. For the last month I have been off Klonopin.

The anxiety and depression just hit me like a ton of bricks. I can't remember a single thing I learned in therapy. My mind is so foggy. I am going to lose my job anyday now. People keep asking me why im messing up, they are talking to me but I can't focus on their words. I can't focus on anything. I literally CAN'T FUNCTION at all. I think I'm going to have a breakdown, I came home today after a HORRIBLE work day and cried my eyes out screaming at the top of my lungs. My boyfriend doesn't even know I have anxiety/depression. He will dump me if he finds out. He is so proud of my success. Why does he have to be proud of my success? I feel like I have to live up to the pressure of being successful for him. If I lose my job, I lose him and he's all I have. It feels like a huge secret I'm hiding.

Now please my main question is, I need to go back on klonopin. It's the only thing I know will help me. I got off it because I didn't want to develop an addiction. So my main question: Does one only have withdrawls if they stop clonazapam? What if I keep taking it for the rest of my life, even increasing it...I mean till I die...won't I be able to function then? If the only downfall is addiction, why can't I take it for the rest of my life, or until they invent something better.

I'm making the choice right now of either losing everything important in my life right now due to Not taking clonazapam or being addicted to it and losing everything in my life in the future.

[Vita89]

What i'm feeling now is life before I was on a benzo.
I'm just wondering if I could take it for the rest of my life.
Even if im increasing it. When I take it I gain all the confidence at work. Without it my life is not even worth living. But then I KNOW my brain will be addicted to it and the future seems very bleak if I stay on benzos.

I'm so confused, I've tried SOO many anti-depressants I just can't try anymore.

[Paxiled]

Stopping benzos is very difficult.  Tapering off is different for different people.  So you either stopped too quickly for you and you're suffering the withdrawal now, or this is what you had before that the klonopin helped you with.  So yes, you can take it again and keep taking it if you want, but know that it might stop working at some point and it might not.  Or you can go back on it and try quitting more slowly -- it's very difficult for your brain to adapt back to working naturally without the medication.  Research also suggests that benzos interfere with the brain's ability to learn how to adapt to stress.  The choice is always yours -- if you feel the drug is the only way you can cope, then yes, you can keep taking it.  Or you can try to stop in a way that more suits you as an individual, which means more slowly than the way you did it.  Good luck either way.