BP & Sexual Promiscuity

[BeeKeeper]

Please understan that I am not trying to use BP as an excuse, but for anyone that has been affected by this side of BP, I'd really like to hear your thoughts.  I've had a history of sexual promiscuity over the past 20 years - either emotional or physical.  Until recently diagnosed with severe depression and then BP, and until I started really - daily - tracking what's going on with me, did I give this pattern any thought.  Needless to say it has ruined a marriage and relationships and has been the catalyst for many suicidal thoughts.

The pattern has been when I get into a depressed place I turn for "comfort" to someone I want to believe can help...unfortunately it has not been the person I should be turning to like my spouse.  These actions are not planned or premediated, but more of an action of opportunity and desperation.  It is absolutely not a reflection of my love for my spouse..it's just a reaction...something I can't explain nor excuse.  I have always been extremely sorry for my actions after the fact...and part of my depression now is that I can not forgive myself for the things i've done and the people i've hurt.

So the questions I would ask:
. How do you forgive yourself for this behavior?
. How do you "bend" this emotion/reaction to where you turn to the right person?
. Past history has repeated itself so many times that even though I know it is wrong, i'm scared of being in any relationship for fear of this happening again.  What do i do with that?

As always to the folks here who have helped me get a handle on this relatively new diagnosis, your thoughts are appreciated.

[monkeyc]

Sexual Promiscuity is a bipolar behaviour, along with risk taking, gambling, binge spending and a host of other things.

Have you spoken to your therapist about this?  Its an issue that responds well to therapy I think, its not one of my behaviours but I have others.

As for forgiveness the first step is acceptance and stopping blame - too often we blame ourselves for things outside of our control and we spend a lot of time beating ourselves up over things we cannot prevent.

I think the first thing you need to do is take a deep breath and accept that this happened and you need help and then ask for it.  As to telling your spouse, its going to be a time thin - until you understand yourself this is something which you need to place to the side a bit - telling your spouse now at this stage would I suspect damage or destroy a relationship when you are at a fragile place.

Definetly a therapist here, if you do not have one get one, they are invaluable resources.

[ILADVOCATE]

Yes its the loss of sex control that is part of the bipolar and especially the mania. Marital infidelity is not really uncommon in today's society. Neither is sexual promiscuity. I don't tend to pass judgement as long as its consenting adult and safe sex. However, any form of losing control is not good and if its part of the general pattern of mania probably included other forms of losing control that you may not have thought about, speeded up activity (technically psychomoter agitation) racing thoughts, an inability to concentrate. But you wouldn't blame yourself for those things. So don't blame yourself for this. And I would think that some aspect of the relationship was part of it so the best thing is marriage counseling. You could both discuss the issue there.

[Fuzzz]

I came to this board because I was self-medicating this way for the first time since I'd gotten married - after over 20 years of fidelity.  None of my MDs have diagnosed me with bipolar, and my newest psychiatrist says he feels I just have dysthymia and situational depression, but that what I'm doing is getting a dopamine high as a coping mechanism.  So I asked for a drug with dopamine, and he said the only one with any dopamine activity was Wellbutrin.  I don't know if that is helpful for people who are bipolar or not.  The medicine he started me on was Remeron, and I am hopeful it is going to get me back on track.  I hope you see an MD who can help you.  I'm not at a point where I can really feel guilt about it.  It has just felt like survival.  

[horselover65]

You aren't responsible for this, but it will take help for you to realize that and overcome it. This is something you need to discuss with a professional. You will have a very hard time defeating the behavior and especially the feelings you have before and after on your own. I was sexually molested when I was young and the common reaction to that, promiscuity, was only amplified by being bipolar. I hope that you can find some help. I have yet to confront this adequately. My libido completely shut down several years after I married. (We'll be addressing that in therapy, I'm sure).

I personally wouldn't even consider telling your spouse on your own. Confront it first with a therapist and see how much they can help you.

Also, get tested for STDs as soon as you can. If you've contracted something, you will have an obligation to tell your spouse (immediately). Hopefully, you are medically sound in that dept and can get to a place where you are safer psychologically before you speak with your spouse - it'd probably be best to do it in a therapeutic setting as I imagine the response may be severe. If you are fragile enough to do this now, you'd be setting yourself up for failure to try to discuss it on your own. You might find yourself repeating the behavior and it'd be better if you found a way to stay in control. Best wishes.

[cocoleli]

I, too also experience sever hypersexuality, at first I didnt know what the problem was being that I felt no connection, nor any love for any intimacy. what I try to do is control myself but it is hard. Normally after each encounter (in the past) I hated myself with a passion and hated that person as well. What i try to do is bascially talk to ny social worker and try to keep myself occupied, sometimes it helps sometimes it doesn't.

[LetaB]

  This is probably not going to be a popular answer but I do believe that my bipolarism must be partially responsible for my fantastic sex life - no matter who I'm with! I am extremely sensual - I seem to feel, see, taste, smell, everything more deeply and complex - according to my friends and lovers over the years. While my friends talk of falling libidos and needing to make "games" and such to "spice" up their sex life I just smile. I won't say it's always pure joy as I've been told I exude pheromones (whatever) and I often get treated badly by jealous women usually. I'm sorry it's brought you sorrow but there are so many individuals and couples who long for some of what we've got in excess.... There's no lesson to this comment. I just wanted to say it's not all negative being B.P.

[ILADVOCATE]

Yes I could agree with what one poster said. Due to being sexually abused as a child I have a phobia of sex (I do have relations to an extent but I don't find it appropriate to detail) and some form of gender identity disorder. I thought in having recovered from schizoaffective disorder it would go away or be mitigated to some extent but it wasn't. I can't say if its a further psychiatric disability or just a traumatic childhood event that was unable to be resolved but with these things sometimes you can talk them over but they can't go away entirely. Its perhaps some form of ptsd. I know with the tardive dyskinesia the various Parkinsonian conditions do completely lower my sex drive. But when I take the dopamine boosting medications it comes back for that time. My girlfriend of many years does not have a disability but has faced similar issues so we both came to terms with it by accepting it in each other but again to be judicious I best not detail.
  I do know that during episodes of mania I lose sexual judgement but it mostly involved pornography and the like which is another common problem and one that people can addicted to online. I had a former co-worker who became wildly manic and spent the whole day at work accessing explicit material on a common social networking site. In depressive episodes (which I don't really experience now after recovery) one loses interest in sex and in manic episodes one loses judgement and can become promiscuous. It used to be easier before HIV but now there are very real consequences but people should remember manic or not to always practice safe sex and if they are worried they will become manic to bring protection with them in advance (say in their wallet). That at least mitigates the health risk.

[LeftCoastChick]

I've been there, I've go thorugh bouts every 5-6 years, what's different now is I understand why I've done it. I've been in therapy and when I started to feel  better about myself I stopped my high risk behaviours which included promiscuity. Meds can help, but therapy is key.

[bernie40]

Turning to others for sex as a form of comfort when you are in a depressed state or becoming more sexually active when in a manic state are common within BP.

As many of the others have already said a good therapist is what you need to help you deal with this.  They will not only sort through the need for sexual companionship but will also help you deal with the aftermath - your feelings of guilt etc.

The fact that you recognise this behaviour as something you do not want to do and the fact that you want to do something about it is a positive step forward .  Try not to feel guilty about things that have happened.

There are many things we do when at certain ends of the spectrum of BP and I'm sure all of us at some time or another have done things that have left us red-faced, ashamed and guilt-ridden - so you are not alone.

[monkeyc]

Recognising you have a problem is the first step.  

Whatever happens there are people here who will help you in any way we can in the medium we have.  We are all just walking step by step down the same road

[tor61]

It is not surprising that you get a lot of responses to this subject.  It is a favourite for bp.  I will not bore you with my exploits but really this is something you have to treat.  I made a fool of myself as a young man with my hypersexuality and thought everyone else was hung up.  A waste of time.  Now I am well I enjoy sex very much but not with a porn like intensity or detachment.  It comes in a little at times and I feel bad but basically live as if I have got the context right.  
Take it as a good sign when you just start to like the closeness and fun being with someone special rather than seeking comfort. Cheers and Merry Christmas, God Bless Us ALL, everyone.

[aadel]

You have opened up a sensitive subject, and I am pleased to see that other community members have responded with well-reasoned and well-meaning replies.  So often it seems that, even in this third millennium of ours, we are still not able to discuss sexuality in general and BP sexuality in particular without resorting to "moral" condemnation and outrage.  Thank you all.

[bpsuxks08]

Please help me understand this.  My husband has bp and I don't understand why a person would seek sex from a prostitute when he has a young, nice looking, very willing
uninhibited wife at home.  He actually avoids me.  I no longer have a sex life and I am considering becoming promiscuous myself.  I read that men seek prostitutes for fellatio most of the time.  That has always been part of our normal activities, I actually enjoy doing it for him.  I think he has been doing this for years and he finally got caught red handed.  He says he doesn't do it anymore. He doesn't do ANYTHING anymore.  I am 17 yrs younger than him.  I thought maybe he was avoiding me because he was afraid he would give me a std.  I don't know what to think of all this.

[maperk]

Well, I have suffered from BP since I was 17. Howevere, the hyomania got really problematic in my mid-twenties, and one of the signs was that I began seeking other women outside my marriage. I eventually ended up cheating. I never got caught, but the guilt was powerful and I initiated a divorce, figuring to free myself from monogamy to forgive my immoral behavior. This was a stupid idea.

Once seperated, I found myself constantly in the beds of different women. I was living in the center of a city, and my access to sexual anonymity was abundant. It all came to a close when I ended up hospitalized and put on lithium.

Once stable I met a woman and grew very fond of her. She made me feel good inside. However, during my relationship with her, I've not been faithful. I've had several partners, male and female. Yet, I no longer feel guilt from it. I feel numb.

My usual reaction is to tell my doctor and my therapist what I've done. I do not tell my partner because she does not need to be hurt by my illness. People who are well and cheat are usually carying with them relationship issues and charachter issues. People who are manic and cheat are sick. Therefore, the illness needs to be treated.

There is no use beating yourself up for your BP and your sexual adventures. BP people have less control, and in some cases, no control. We life in a world with very strict standards for conduct. In addition, we live in a world full of people who do not understand the debilitating nature of mental illness. BP is a high-functioning illness for many people, so when it flares-up it's easy to blame the sick instead of the underlying problem. We don't blame a person for vomiting, why should we attach moral judgement to a BP person who becomes manic and sleeps around? Instead, we should look at the cause of the issue and try to remedy it.

As a side note, when I do get too sexual, I make sure and use protection.

[stupiddogz]

i have been struggling with this issue all my life since i discovered sex, and what power it can have from a womans standpoint in relationships. i was diagnosed BP in my teens - im 33 now and married and struggling with sexual issues that my husband would NEVER understand. he plays down my BP as 'excuses' for the things i do and calls my manic episodes and ocd behaviours my 'bipolar-isms' which i feel is VERY degrading to me as a person....(since i feel degraded a lot on my own for my choices, many which he has NO CLUE about)

seems that whenever i get manic, i get hypersexual, and in most cases in relationships, i do have to say it has its positives. even if they are short term hook up relationships, my sex drive is amazing and satisfying and fun, and i love sex in general. it just becomes almost an obsession when im manic. i have always been social and out going, but i tend to almost obsess on it when im manic, every man that looks attractive to me, married or not, is fair game to flirt with...i get a bonus high off that behaviour.

i know my triggers, and i know i like the payoffs most times of the attention and good feelings. my last relationship was physically beyond satisfying, as have been most of my encounters. im just bothered by the '****' stigma, and get guilt from that, as well as knowing ive stepped outside my marriage a few times in the past 10 yrs.

i have also wondered if just me, as a person, shouldnt be married because i enjoy a variety of different men, as well as the fact ive fallen out of love with my husband. we dont have sex, havent since march and back then it was a mercy f**k for his sake, to get him off my back. now, im repulsed by him, but i still have desire and drive, just not for him at all. maybe because im over our relationship, and im ready to move on, im looking for new partners? or maybe im never just satisfyed with the same partner after a long period of time?

i cant figure out what is going on really. i know my marriage is going to end (not because of cheating or lack of sex) but other reasons like weve changed into two different people, like friends who just happen to have kids together, and we just dont have a thing in common other than the kids. i lust after other men daily, and i cant wait till im free to go play again, in fact since ive met my husband 10 yrs ago, he knows how flirtatious i am and i do it right in front of his face and he does nothing about it, seems not to bother him or something. maybe an open marriage or swinging would be the answer?? *sarcasm* lol i just cant figure out whats going on here and why i am so obsessed with sex lately, ive not been manic all summer, till 2 weeks ago, and this intrest in other men has been going on a lot longer than this manic phase has started....so whats the answer, am i just manic and hypersexual, or do i just love sex a lot and just get even more so when im manic? i dont get it, but if i dont have sex soon with someone, im gonna loose my mind.....sry about that last statement, but its the truth....

[KayD12]

I too have a problem with this, when I start feeling meaningless to my boyfriend and feel as if he does not give me enough attention. I'll break up with him knowing I will be back and turn to someone for the attention I felt was lacking with the one I really loved. He[my boyfriend] can not understand the way I am feeling, and a lot of times I say Its just me and the way I think, although that may not actually be the reason. So I let all the the feelings and emotions build up until I run away. This happens like every 7 months. Usually around this time of year I take off, I tell him that I am not happy and I leave. I am very needy for affection from him, he just does not get it. He is the only thing that changes the way I feel. When I feel depressed and alone all he has to do is hug me and I feel vibrant again. It's weird. And I'm sure this may not sound like the same situation but I have a hard time explaining things. I get the urge to find what I am needy for in someone else. This has caused a lot of heart ache to both of us. I have been at the point to leave a few times but I keep fighting it off. Pushing all that I feel as deep as I can. But I know it is all going to spew out sooner or later. I'm afraid of it.

[vsantos]

PLEASE HELP!!!!!!
   Long story short. My beautiful husband who is 44 years old, whom I've been married with for 12 years (we also have a 2 year old) just 2 months ago was diagnosed with Bipolar Dis. (he tried to commit suicide and went into a full blown Mani Episode, hallucination and all).
   He has been on Depakote for 1 month and started on Risperdal 2 weeks 1/2 ago (started on Abilify but it made his symptoms worse).

    He was sexually abused as a child. Suffered from depression all his life.
    So I've been living this 'Hell' for about 2 months now. My husband thinks we are divorced. He says we're living in this same house but as roommates (his thoughts are still extremely confused, very little concentration...but I do see some minor changes for better). His doctors can't talk to me due to patients confidentiality (my husband didn't authorize them to talk to me). My husband hates me right now, and thinks I'm the reason he is sick (keep in mind we've had 12 years of a beautiful, loving, respectful relationship.
    And here is my questions. I do understand most of what goes on with BP and all the behaviors and I am willing to give the meds time to see him get better. But having a 2 year old in the middle of all this is complicated.
    My husband sleeps outside the house, comes back home at 7am (did that for the past 2 days) and I'm pretty sure he's with another woman---in our 12 year of relationship I NEVER had problems with infidelity (he ahs always been a completely honest/transparent man).
         But this behavior is killing me, just the thought he is out there with another woman. So this week I'm thinking about telling him to leave the house for good. This situation is making me very sick! But I also feel very guilty to leave the man I love at a time I know he is sick.
    PLEASE, any thoughts are welcome. Should I give the meds more time to work? Should I make 'temporary' arrangements for him to stay some place while his is on treatment and eventually have him back at the house????
       I'm desperate!!!

[ILADVOCATE]

Best to wait until things are stabilized with him and then have a conversation about it afterwards. Relationship therapy is good as well. Right now he sounds quasi-delusional and can't really understand what's going on so wait until his medications are stabilized before you decide what to do. Just my opinion.

[Alex_X_18]

I was diagnosed with BP at age 11,.....
I used to feel like I looked at sex differently back when the BP was under poor control,.....I can't quite be sure the reason because yes I was a deal younger but I think I may have been hypersexual at the time....I though about sex alllll day to the point where I felt like it was starting to interfear with my dialy life such as my grades and foucus durringh school and other activities....I talked about sex alot to the point where other females in my age group thought I was weird...I had a steady boyfriend for over three years who I loved but I cheated on him constantly....it was far less of an emotional thing than it was people I pulled 1 nighters with......I felt like that if I went to long without sex that I had no other option than to cheat on my boyfrend basicly I would get so stimulated and pent up I couldn't control myself even if I thought it was wrong whenever he said no to me (which was incredibly rare) I would glare at him and say "well where lese am I supposed to get it if you won't give me any"....so basicly I had I've had about 10 one night stands and fooled around with 5 others (over a period of 2-3 years) with no connection whatsoever (outside of some of them being my friends) (3 of the people I one nighted were even related to each other ((all in the same age group though))
but yeah just plainly for sex some of these people I wasn't  even really all that attracted to simply just to satisfy my craving at the time....and beleive me their are  quite a few others who I would have one nighted had I been given the oppertunity
My guy friends frequently confided in me about cheating on their girl friends as well in fact sometimes I was even slutty enough to agree with what their doing.......
recently my endrochronologist told me something .....that I have extra male horrmone (outside of the BP I mean) and it showed up on my blood test he said for this reason that I need to be on the birth control pill
sometimes I owunder if this was a contributing factor towards the was I was hypersexual,.....

It must have just been hormones themselves back then because fianally I started feeling less sexually frustrated as I got older.... I can relate what its like to feel pent up and that you can't be loyal or conservative the feelings of guilt shame torment you but then you go out again and do it the next week.......it really bites and I'm soo glad I don't feel frustrated any longer

I would suggest medication for a treatment to help calm your nerves and hormones
maybe some herbal rmemdies,.....acupuncture can also hellp chill you out because I've been to an scupuncturist a couple times (it really works) if not and you really feel like you are still hyper sexual possibly seeing a therapist could help

[vsantos]

ADVICE Please!!!
   To continue my story....my husband of 12 years is still getting out of his very first manic Episodes, still going through medication trials (Abilify did not work for him). He is still delusional and very angry at me.
   In less than 2 weeks he said he was leaving the house, packed his stuff, then changed his mind and said he was staying and then today said we need to get a lawyer.
  What do I do? He is in no shape to make any decisions, and the 'funny' part is, we've been together for 12 years and have a 2 year old but we are NOT legally married. He is not thinking straight and getting a lawyer will only make his situation worse, he's got all odds against him....do I just let him get the lawyer?????
   The worst part is, he found a NEW 'best' friend who is almost as ill as he is and she is putting some of these crazy ideas in his head...
  Anyone any advice...

[tiblings]

My wife forwarded this link to me cause she feels she is BP and has done many of the things described here. I have tried to help her with this, been very patient with her, told her that it is not her fault, the first step is to admit to what happened and never to sweep thing under the carpet, told her she need to come to terms with what has happened. I have my faults too, working too much, watching movies to distract my thoughts from work and sometimes even low self esteem. I have told her all this and asked her to be patient with me too. But, it never happens and she ends up bugging me while i work or try to relax. That leads to other issues and finally end up with her being depressed. I have tried for over ten years now to help her. But she refuses to help her self. I have also felt that she judges me or compares me to all the other people who have affected her life. As a result we have never been able to have a fulfilling relationship. She is my first and i have, despite all odds and opportunities, been faithful to her. i have also believed in being honest with her and tell her everything. this year was the worst we have had, with a new job that kept piling more responsibilities,etc... and she began breaking that trust, first by being precocious, cyber sex, etc... i tried to be supportive even during this and offered to do it together and for her not to chat with people she knew. We were going through a rough patch and agreed to work thing out, but before long she finally had sex with first, her e-boyfriend and then with a guy she had met at a friends b'day party (who i advised her not to keep in touch with as i knew where it would lead to). Even after that, i tried to be supportive and said lets be honest with each other and not do this any more. Again she continued to flirt and be promiscuous, making friends online, etc.. and discussing her sexuality with them. i have come to a point now where i cannot be  bothered with her or our relationship. I am tired of this.

[ILADVOCATE]

Having bipolar can cause this kind of behavior but this more sounds like a relationship issue (even if she has bipolar or should see a psychiatrist). If you read through the posts, everyone, including myself had lapses in judgment but we all came to an understanding of it afterwards. If she does have symptoms of bipolar she should see a psychiatrist. If not then a relationship therapist might work. But to me (I am not sure) she may be trying to rationalize her behavior to you. I'm not sure if she is aware that the end goal of medication, talk therapy or cognitive behavioral therapy is for this to stop. Unless her judgment in other areas is so lacking that she needs immediate help I would say as difficult as it sounds that part of her knows this is wrong and doesn't want to control it and it might be best to move on in terms of relationships. Just my take.

[rogelio63]

I spoke with my psych NP about this very thing this week.  I've been in denial about my being bipolar for quite a while.  My wife knows about some of it but not all,,I think it would ruin us.  Even though she's much more understanding about it now I don't think she would chalk it up to the BP.  Even when money was a problem, I've gone out and spent $100 on a "massage", felt like a piece of sh*t, cried in the car as I leave, and before I get home, stop for another "massage" and spent the last of my money.  Prayed and prayed and asked God to help me, and felt like he did.  And then, 2 or 3 weeks later, go out and do it again.  Almost like he wasn't holding it against me so much because he knew there was something wrong.
I love my wife, she's awesome, beautiful and we have a great sex life.  But I'll swear,,sometimes I've been like a salmon going to spawn,,and I HATE THAT.
I just hope that now that I've finally come to grips with it, and am getting treatment for it, I can change and be the one woman man I should be.  

[busykitties]

Hi.  I fully sympathize. I have never married as when that dam mania hits I have no boundaries in check, I feel like I am superwoman, and I have had dangerous encounters that I regret very much now on a promiscuous level.  It was really dangerous too.  I met this strange guy that I found out was married with six kids, in a stairwell in a downtown car garage.  He could have killed me, raped me.  Yet, it didn't stop there.  I was watching porn at an alarming rate which I have never been interested before.  My libido was through the roof and I was out of control.  I met guys online...some didn't show at all.  Today, my psychiatrist has me on an army of drugs and these meds have also killed my sexual libido.  How sad is that ya know?!  From one extreme and yet to another extreme to control it.  That is what is working for me presently and a lot of support from my friends who do not judge me and really care about me.  I am blessed.  I hope this is some help for you.  Take care.  I wish you wellness.