Horizon/prize

[tres1965]

Feeling pretty great lately, hopeful? That scares me. It has been 8 long years on this treadmill of emotions. Ranging from guilt, pain, numbness, feelings of failure. To myself, my kids, my parents & friends, heck, even my cat! I'm working sooooo hard on returning to reality. Facing fears, emotions I haven't let myself feel in ages. Not all are good, but life works that way for most people I'm re-learning. I am making myself do things that I've hid behind for years. That is scary, terrifying actually. People are noticing changes & are cautiously watching, I feel. They are changes for the good for the most part, which scares me. Could there be hope? God, I pray so....
Meds, wow, what can I say? I've been on so many, trying to find a cocktail that works. I am GETTING there I think. I have cut ties that were harmful to myself. I am reading for pleasure again. Writing things, balancing the check-book, getting outside more often. Answering the phone more, trying to not rush to the DR for every lil' thing in hopes of a 'inst-cure. While acknowledging that it was/is a numbness I self-medicated. I am  still far-far away from the stars, but, atleast I see the moon now. Sleep isn't an answer much anymore, reality is. It ***** at times, but hey, that's life eh? I'm dating occasionally, God that is awful! *L*
My children are 1/2 & 1/2 on this process. I think they hope, but fear at the same time.
My meds have been reduced over the last 9 months soooo much. Abilify, lamictal, cymbalta, an a occassional Busbar. Dropped 1/2 doses of Cymbalta, huge doses of Depakote, huge doses of Dilantin, zoloft....not to mention my plavix, loratab, potassium, ambien.....wow, a drug store bill-board....
Just rambling, scared of the unknown, but aren't we all? I added Sinemet though....
Is it wrong to WANT a semblence of normalacy for a change? There for the Grace of God go I...
Blessings, Tres

[ILADVOCATE]

I would suggest you see a movement disorders specialist. Cinemet is a standard medication for Parkinson's. But he said "Parkinson's like". Make sure that its not tardive dyskinesia. I am judicious in bringing up long term effects but when a person has movement disorders after taking an antipsychotic long term that should always be ruled out. Then Cinemet would not be the right medication as it will worsen it and the antipsychotic you are taking would be switched to Clozaril which is the only one that can't cause it. If they've ruled that out that's of course another issue but make sure to discuss it with them and a further evaluation would be a good idea. Zofran which is an approved medication helps both on Parkinson's and tardive dyskinesia in studies and is of some use in schizophrenia as well. You could ask about that as well.

[tres1965]

The depression seems 'lighter', as with anything 'we' do an improvement at all is hard won. I continue to try hard not to hide behind my illness. The outside is so scary to try to enter. But, I'm trying, which is 1/2 the battle right? I have to learn to take a backseat to 'health' & not a frontseat to wallowing in pity. My illness has prevailed for so long, I want to be 'radiant' for a change. I actually am happy, dare I say that outloud? The great thing about being able to climb out from bed is hitting the floor. Seeing the sun every day with my own eyes, not those from behind the blinds is scary I admit though.
I think my pharmasist is in shock though! *L*
I actually even went to church without a crutch (company) yesterday. The whole world didn't collapse either!
Iladvocate, the new DR said he thought I had Parkinson's like symptoms, & was going to further watch me to see. I myself, hate that, I wish for a 'miracure'. The shaking HAS diminished, but is definitely still there. If I don't take each dose it is back full-force. So that shows me it isn't going to be easy. I take Inderal, have for yrs...160 mg at a time. I haven't tried the other meds you said. Any advice?
Take care & Blessings...Tres

[dippy1]

Hey, that's beautifully verbalised....I know exactly what you're saying. When you can see light at the end of the tunnel it's almost scarier than when there is no light. You can't dare to hope and the reality is that each step forward has been hard-earned and painfully won, and yet we know, from experience, that things can  spiral backwards at any stage given the wrong circumstances...recovery feels so fragile.
You've come a long, long way. Celebrate that and be proud of yourself. Take things one day at a time. Roll with the punches and grab any froward momentum that you come across. Continue to treat yourself with care and respect, don't relax on the self-care front. Hang in there and things can be better still...BTW, who wants "normal" and what is it? I have accepted that I'm not trying to get back to "the old me" she was damaged and dysfunctioned in many ways,; I am aiming for the "new me". When will I know I've got there???? No idea.
Thanks for posting this, stay strong, x

[ILADVOCATE]

That's great you are starting to get your life in order. I'd just add with caution that Sinemet is a medication used for Parkinson's with the long term side effects I've discussed. If it is being used to treat Parkinson's or something related that makes sense. If not there are many side effect pills in use such as Cogentin, Atenolol (particularly good on tremors) and Klonopin (which I've taken for ten years without a problem). If its in usage as a side effect pill only I might ask about one of the standard alternatives. Symmetrel is a safe option as well that works relatively well.