I have Borderline & Bipolar .. he has Depression. Recipe for disaster?!

Question

Hi all :) 
So my basic problem is, i have diagnosed BPD, bipolar ii, bulimia and dependant PD. He has depression and paranoia. I need honest answers - will this ever work? Ive only been seeing him a few weeks and hes very clingy and needs constant reassurance that hes wanted - i think he needs someone stable, which is 100% not me. Hes so lovely and I really do like him, but i have a feeling we will be bad for each other. Can anyone agree or argue against this? Any opinion appreciated. I cant imagine him coping when i have a bipolar episode..

persephonedemeter · Accepted Answer

If you have a feeling you are probably bad for each other, that's a thought I would heed. The relationship is only a few weeks, and a feeling like that is pretty heavy one for such a short time. If you are carefree and he is clingy, jealous is going to be a big problem. 

I've gone through a few relationships, all with varying degree of attachments. A couple of them, I nearly married, because it occured to me, it really wouldn't work out. I also remember 3 who wanted to marry me at the same time they asked me out for the first date. People get together for a lot of reasons. I fell in love a couple of times, other times I loved and wanted to be with whoever I was with for as long as it felt that is the way it should be. It's great when you like everything about the person, including their habits that don't quite gel, but it's nothing more than an inconvenience...not something destructive. I pay attention to myself and whoever is my partner. We would be different, but we want to share the same vision of being there and knowing this was "just right" and there is mutual respect, and not very many demands. If there was a demand, it would be that it was easy to listen, talk, and exchange ideas. In the really good relationships, it was just that...easy. The trust level was profound. 

 I still have contact with a few I have a friendship, and a couple of them I consider the best of friends. We also know enough not to break confidence or interfere in each other's lives or present partners. It was just a great thing that we had in the past, and we are better people to have known each other. There are some I could have done better without having them in my life, but I lived and learned...and it is history, and staying there. 

There are some relationships,  I or they had to close the book completely. We had different ideas, agendas and needs. The expectations from either myself or the other just provided conflict. For the time we were lovely, it was just for that time...it wasn't an " until time ends" deal.

 People in my life have the "happily ever after" partner. From how they interact with each other, it is generally an easygoing, respectful, loving  relationship. They have their moments of disagreements but it's not a nuclear war, and  they wouldn't want their partner to be different from the way they are. When they blossom or evolve, their relationship adapts with it, but they never lose admiration and pure enjoyment of the person they love. I usually enjoy being in their company, their children(if they have any) and their pets. 

I had high speed and hypercharged relationships. There comes a time when it burns out, gets very tiring, and then, there is a wish that one of us would take a vacation...without the other. That's the time, the "talk" will happen or one would simply just not be there anymore. I'm also out the door if I even feel like I am being emotionally manipulated in anyway to meet the other person's needs without any regard or respect to how I feel. 

It's not a question really about a guy with depression and paranoia and a woman with BPD,bipolar disorder 2, etc. can be a couple.  It's more like a question of what each of you want from each other, how much you want to get out of being together, what  your expectations are, and how much you want to adapt to meet each other's needs or how much effort you want to give into it...and if you are getting whatever it is that is important to you in his response or actions out of it. If it's falling short to you or to him...yes, there is a big problem here. 

Personally, I have a problem with "working on a relationship." That makes a relationship more important than the people in it. I would rather concentrate on the people in the relationship and what kind of partnership you want and expect. 

That is my perspective so far. I am hardly a relationship expert, but I have been "around the block" and thought about it from time to time.

weaver71 · Answer

I often thought it would have been easier single, accept my wife is so awesome, maybe about the same. Recovery of drugs is a time consuming and tiring thing in itself, having BPD and BP2 adds another phase of searching and healing. I would only let things that support you be in your life for now, it isn't selfish, getting sober and healing has been the most self-centered/ selfless thing I have ever done. Everyone benefits by your progress, so that is THE priority.

Samharley · Answer

Thank you for your answers, I wasn't expecting such detailed responses and advice - I appreciate your time. Its amazing reading about some of your experiences. I have decided I need to break things off as we are not healthy for each other. He is not quite at the point of accepting my issues and is very self absorbed in his own - every conversations seems to resort back to him. For selfish reasons, I have realized I cannot have something like that in my life. 
Hope everyone is having a great week x

Anonymouse88 · Answer

Probably a recipe for disaster.  If you still want to try, I think you both need to be seriously committed to therapy, and you should probably get couple's therapy as well.  Look up suggestions for healthy relationship communication.  Actually, websites geared towards polyamorous relationships might be the best, because those require an order of magnitude more communication to deal with the inevitable jealousy and to make sure everything is going well.  

One suggestion is scheduling argument times--you write down the things that have been bothering you, and schedule a time to go over them.  Each party gets to read off their list uninterrupted before the other person can respond.  Stick to "I" statements, e.g. "I feel a bit smothered when you text me constantly", and then try to work out solutions for it.  Try to agree on what strategies you will use to keep the relationship working, and be prepared to stumble a lot.  Also write up a plan ASAP as to what to do if you have an episode.

stormbear · Answer

Hi, 
     I'm not going to sugar coat this, but i was in simmilar situation less then a yr ago . I had to break up with her for good after 2 or 3 break up's prior to that , but she continued to call me almost everyday for 6 months after , i had to stop answering the call's so i could get on with my life  . 'Recipe for disaster ' yeah in my case it was we were both unstable then 1 would be well the other unwell and it took it's toll ,i'm not saying it was all her it was 50/.50 takes 2 to tango . But i realized that it was lust not love or maybe not even lust we just had something in common which was we are both mentally ill and i believe you need to have more simmilarities then that for a relationship .

thatquietgirl · Answer

So long as you both actively seek help and work on yourselves individually in therapy and are realistic now when it comes to the difficulties you may eventually face in the future, then you probably can.  But you're going to have to be the judge.  You know your situation, and if you feel it won't work out, then it'd be better to back down now before further attachment is made.  Maybe in the future when you are both healthier, it would stand a better chance.

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