My heart breaks when I think of the distance
both physical & emotional,
between you & I.
I've no idea when or if things can be as they were always.
You are such a huge part of my life, & I hate think
anyone, anyone, changing that.
A Mother cuts the apron strings (emotional wise)
at a certain phase in her childs life,
it is an extremely painful time in her life.
One that every Mother dreds yet, can't stop
the hands of time.
You aren't my Lil' boy anymore, I understand
that. I expected it, yet wasn't aware of
how deeply it would hurt. Or how quickly
it would sever those apron strings.
You may not ever speak to me again, or you
may. You are your own MAN now. I like to
think, I had a part in that, in raising a
fantastic man such as you. I did try, try
to be a good Mom. I guess I failed at it for
all my children. There is no looking back
& making excuses. So, I don't even know
how to try, when I excel at failing so well.
Think of being a parent as the beginning of a
puzzle or book. The first thing you do is fill
in the edges, right? Well, imagine only having
every other piece with drawings on it
the easy part would be to draw in or cut
pieces as you want, right? Well, each
child is different, colors, shapes, textures
they choose. As a parent you DESIRE them
to want, your wants, but as is life they
have their own wishes..
So, you adapt.
Maybe not as well as some...Try as you may.
Some parents run away, some stay & hold the course.
I've always tried to stay, I thought I had it made
if I was a 'stayer'.....
Guess I wasn't.
Even 'Stayers' can be wrong.
Don't get me wrong, I loved every Moment of
every second of every thought, of being the one
who had the miracle of feeling you in me
from the first heartbeat on...
I have always, always, always loved you.
Always of my children.
Yes, every parent that doesn't admit to failing
their child at one moment or the other is living
in la la land.
There is NO guarantee's in life, other than trying.
But over-in-all, even though I failed, yes,
the honor of being the one YOU called
Mommy, Mom, Mama, etc..
Was/is mine, & mine alone....
Others may have called/call you Dad but I
have always been the ONE & ONLY Mom...
I guess in all of this, I want to say.
I am sorry for all of the nots in life with
you & my other 2 beautiful children.
But, I tried, in that I know.
I am proud of the boy you were & I hope you try
as much, if not harder, as a future parent
yourself.
Don't judge harshly my child, for to be judged
is harsh or harsher on yourself....
Whether we see or talk again, the words or
actions are 'out'....
Sadly, heartbreakingly, 'said or done'
Good-luck, I know you don't believe in heavens help
but I wish it for you anyhow....
I'll never part on bad words/feelings as that hug was.
Take care. May your puzzle never be filled.
*HUGS*
Love, Mom