Hi everyone,
Has anyone experienced sudden, uncontrollable rage as a symptom of BP? I'm not medicated yet (doctors deciding what's best at the moment, should be starting next week), so I know it's not that.
I scared the hell out of myself last night. I was doing weights in my home gym, and I couldn't do as many pull-ups as I wanted to - that was all, and I went totally mental. I kicked my gym ball around the room, punched the door a couple of times then took my gloves off and punched through it (OK, it's not a heavy door - but on the other hand, I'm a 5'6" pretty blond girl who weighs less than nine stone). I also shattered the mirror I keep in the gym to check my form - I threw a dumbbell through it. Even after all that, I was still so livid that I wanted to break things, leave the house and run for miles (I hate running), beat the hell out of someone - anything to run away from how I was feeling. None of these things were options, so I paced for ages and then jumped on the cross trainer and worked so hard I made myself throw up.
It was really, really scary, because if someone had crossed my path last night I genuinely think I would have done them real harm. The worst thing - and I want to cry even thinking about this - is that I have two cats, and if one of them had come in last night I'm pretty sure I would have hurt her.
I've never felt like that before, and it really scared me to be so out of control. Has anyone felt anything like that? Do you know anything that might help if it happens again? I'd really appreciate any advice from anyone who has experience in anything like this.
This stuff really only happens during my more manic times. Normally, I'm laid back and respectful. I let things roll off my back. I deal with setbacks and I stay composed when faced with challenges and problems. I like being that calm rock when everyone else is freaking out, basically. But when hypo/manic, I am just constantly irritable. It becomes my baseline, and I will snap when confronted by anything that gets in my way when trying to get somewhere or do something. Everyone is going too slow and everything that anyone does is a personal slight to me. My mind is racing, so I can't really keep track of where it's going, and then it just runs off, out of my control. I have so many things I want to do but the whole world is standing in my way. When looking back, I can't identify with that person at all. It's weird and scary to think about.
A story that I often use to illustrate this state is the following, because it describes the bizarre and out of control form it can take: One time a stranger on the street tried to get me to stop, but I brushed him off. In response he said something only mildly offensive that nobody, including my normal self, would get upset about. I automatically turned into a scary ball of rage. I tracked him down on the busiest street in the area, and when I found him I got in his face and started shoving him and screaming. He ran away across the street, but I followed him on the other side shouting and snarling. I think he was taken aback that a relatively normal looking young woman heading towards the university campus would become this physically aggressive animal all of a sudden. I couldn't calm down for the entire day, and I talked the ear off of anyone who would listen to me rant about that encounter and about my other weird ideas and about what pissed me off in the world. I just wanted to kick and punch and scream, and crawl out of my skin. I've never managed to hurt anyone, and thankfully I've never tried to hurt someone that I care about. But to be honest I'm scared that it could happen some day if, god forbid, I find myself in that state of mind again. I'm addressing anger management in therapy right now to make sure that doesn't happen, and so that the overall damage is minimized.
Ugh, that feeling is awful. I'm sorry you're experiencing it right now! From the sound of it, it's a pretty strong and irrational feeling, so maybe it might be helpful to mention it to your doctor. It might be a sign that your mood is shifting into an irritable hypomania. I wish I had some sage advice to offer, but I'm still working on it as well!