I don't care anymore

[zzzmykids]

Mom died 2-11-10, before that husband was in serious accident, then we have  two different services for my Mom.
I am going to grief counseling, seeing my psych, still on natural meds but vallium and lithium. Basically haven't been out of bed most of the last three months. I did make a virgin drive....haven't driven out of town over two years by myself...and went to women's Christian conference and visited my Mom's grave site. My youngest daughter chose the day after we loaned her money to escalate verbally after I asked for my Mom's dvd, I got mad, hung up, hubby called and then hung up and this was about two weeks after the first service for Mom. We, daughter, her husband and me and my husband....almost three months...met with my psych. It was good, saw them, dr. controlled situation and we left making another appt in two weeks. I saw my psych today and I am worse this morning before I saw him and no better after he tried his best for me to see the positive. Never been here before. I am a woman of strong faith in Jesus' love for me and  now....well I am broken. I know if we are broken we are able to be used for the Purpose of God easier, but right now, I am just really angry I am BP2!  Any comfort, help, care or just wisdom from being here?  Oh, we meet tonight here at our home with daughter and her husband's pastor who we love but I don't even want to pray right now. Oh and like hell, I won't tell you all my thoughts. zzzmykids

[zzzmykids]

Strangers are a blessing as well as old friends. Your worlds help me know I am not alone and for you to write when feeling so down takes effort.
It appears I am coming out of the deep darkness and am beginning to smile once in awhile. No, Xila, I am not laughing yet, but Joy...which is not dependent on feelings is returning. I was lost, and He found me, I was fetal and He held me until I could begin to stand, I was lame and He asked if I wanted to be well....and for so long a time I said no, no I don't want to ever be well again, it hurts more than the darkness. Now, I am beginning to want to be well.....just a little...but the baby steps are occuring.
I thank you for no longer being a stranger Jessimot and Hell, I always love your posts, rogelio you stay well, and my dear friends that help keep me sane and know I will be okay even after long rants to them, paranoid and xila, thank you much.

zzzmykids

[zzzmykids]

Missed hearing from you. Hope the valley is treating you with some moderation in heat.
Thank you for your words and comittment to prayer, brother.
I have often wondered what is happening in your life as the sharing you did months ago.
Again, thank you.
zzzmykids

[zzzmykids]

I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts. You do have a direct line to God in all matters He is with us.
Again, let me know, Headroom,
zzzmykids

[HEADROOM]

I am glad that I could be a little help. The 2nd mammogram is not good news, I need to wait until next week to find out exactly. Still have to keep pulling myself back from negative thinking but it is hard I don't want to set myself up for a big fall. Maybe if you are having a bad time at the moment, it would be best just to keep it simple and I have to do the same as when I go high I think I have a direct line to God and think all kinds of things. I wish you well and take care.

[Jessimot]

I hear you on so many levels. I think I`m feeling about the same way right now. Maybe not as deep, but i understand how hard it is to be the mom you were before. That faking it through a conversation is all you can do. Smiling when you want to cry. I`m there. What i do know is that it wont last it will get better. I believe this because i will not let this disease run my life. I won`t let it win. I have 3 kids under 12 who deserve to have a good childhood without my issues. So for that reason i hold on for stability because i`ve been stable before and i will be again, and so will you. Sometimes giving it up to God is all you can do one day, and then maybe the next you`ll sit in the sun for a bit and each day will have purpose again. Just hold on. Have a good hard cry when you need to then move on, give yourself better.

[rogelio63]

I don't know what to say to comfort you,except that I will be praying for you and your family.  Remember you are loved more than our human minds can possible imagine.

Rodger

[zzzmykids]

Thank you. What is sad is I would usually be the one reading and doing the encouraging. The few in here, I will not name, that "know" me are aware my life flows from the beating of Christ that runs through me, scripture, daily devotionals, seeing His majesty in my back yard much less naming of the stars in the universe.
So for you to point out what is at the tip of my nose and not working to bring me out of the pit is soothing and ironic to me. You have soothed and blessed me this morning and I thank you for that.
Please let me know the results of this second mammogram. Everything we do, everything that happens fillters through the hand of God. He knows our needs, wants and He is sufficient. He loves you and all is to bring Glory and Honor to Him. Again, many thanks for your encouragement and insight.
zzzmykids

[HEADROOM]

I don't usually respond to what I read on the Forum. For many years I have been in a recovery program but did not take in what I read, but over the last few months I have been reading lots of daily readings every morning and I am so surprised at how much difference it is making - keeping things in the day and not fretting over what happened yesterday or worrying about tomorrow. Every time I find myself going into those places I bring myself back to the moment and it is working for me after all these years. Sometimes it is necessary to fake it to make it when not feeling like doing something. Perhaps try reading for a while and start charging up your batteries. It is always more difficult to start from a flat - I wish you well and hope you will soon be feeling better. I must remind myself not to get complacent when things are going well as now. I have been recalled to have another mammogram and it is a miracle for me that I am refusing to worry about it until Tuesday! Be kind to yourself.

[zzzmykids]

Headroom, I have not heard from you before. Thank you for your sincerety and advice about reading. Usually I am an avid reader, right now it's not there, nothing I usually do is there.
Dear Friend, Paranoid,  With all that you have gone through lately and still you always come through with encouragement, Xila, starbunny hell and others. Thank  you.
Again, never been here, as Xila says, it's too much at one time and give myself a break. I know it is darkest before the dawn. I just don't know how to move from here. I think the only way is going to go back on regular meds, never ever been this bad in my entire life, not even when the dt's and crawling on floor after stupid gp made me go cold turkey. The hospital was good then. I don't want to go, buy can you really, after over a year go from naturals to prescripts w/o intervienious drip to speed up process of the four weeks?
If someone knows a way to speed up the four weeks please let me know.
To one friend who hates facebook, I went cold turkey two weeks ago.
I miss my mom, husband being able to be well, daughter who has no clue to the mom she really has and my old son in law...new, but how he acted before he just wed our daughter, not angry or controlling or mean.
zzzmykids

[paranoid_cataclysm]

"The darkest hour is always before dawn."  I forget where I heard that one from.  I know it won't make it any easier getting through it but eventually you will get through this.

[HEADROOM]

It's so hard - we only have one Mum. I still miss mine after over 24years although it is not quite so painful. I like to think I will meet up with my Mum, Dad and my little dogs in some way when it is my time. I know that my Mum would like me to enjoy the time I have left on this earth and to put it to good use. Hang onto your faith expecially in very difficult times as these, I find reading books on spiritual growth very helpful. Be kind to yourself.

[zzzmykids]

Thank you both for responding. I do feel alone, angry and without hope. Lol, for a person who usually is the one that is trying to bring hope to others, I have lost mine. We all have been in the pit before. It is that I have never been here for so long. We, hubby, daughter, son in law and me have met the psych, yesterday nite, in the morning I met with psych for regular time and their pastor tonight. I don't want to work, they are moving in about six weeks. My new son in law is controling, has underlying anger and not a clue about his own problems with his parents. Guess other daughter gave private info to her sister, this is not like her. and really hurt...I have not ever told the aweful thing that happened to the youngest that oldest shared, it is so bad and as a parent grieving for our youngest, but she did not tell us so we don't talk with her about it.
No Mother's Day, just can't. Not sure I can go to the gig oldest is singing at Sat. and we always attend her singing events. I just can't face all the crap, you know? I just don't want to be the mother they see me as. I was a good mom and I lost my Mom this year.
I just can't fake it and celebrate, especially when what we are celebrating is a lie.
I am sorry, really, but this is the only safe place to let this all out.
Again, thank you two friends for encouragement. zzz

[Xila31]

Sometimes the only way to see the light is to be sitting at the bottom of the well. I've been at the bottom of the well, and that light seems to be a long way up. But sometimes when  you're sitting down in the dark all by yourself staring up at the light you start to realize that you're looking in the wrong direction, and there is a light sitting right beside you, waiting to lead you out. I've been there, too.

I say, you need time for healing. Maybe doing what you always do isn't helping right now. So instead, just let the world guide you where you need to be. Too much has happened all at once in your life. Grieve but remember that there is still more to life than the pain. You can get through it. But it will take time.

Take care of yourself.

[hell1971]

Sorry things are not well with you, hang on to hope, sorry I have no words of wisdom but I am thinking of you.