anyone been here before?

[zzzmykids]

I understand, as the rest of you do, loneliness from others having no clue what it is like to live inside our brains, emotions, health, med reactions, etc. We KNOW that is just part of the package.  When was the last time or can you count on one hand the people you love that have actually read up on BP or gone to a class?
We don't like it but we go on and get on with it.
My Momma died on Feb. 11. It had been a long last three years but I was there a lot. The last week, I was there full time to the end and then waited for the "professionals" to take her away for the last time.
I am aware I got to know her so very well and hear stories no one else ever heard and I mean no one, some shocked!
It's just, since I have gone so much to see her five hours away for the last three and a half years, well it has impacted my intimate girlfriend relationships and my daughters, all have busy lives and have gone on. We all have been close but with Mom, my focus has been there. During this time my one daughter got married in our backyard, the other moved out of our home and into a minifarm. My husband has had a really bad accident but has to work, because I can't.
I don't know, I just really hurt and don't feel like I have an outlet except those I pay for, psych, talk therapist, and for free my pastor and my Momma's pastor.
Will look for a grief group, but till then sorry had to let go.  Anyone else go through this when their Mom passed?
zzzmykids

[Xila31]

Hope you get over that bug and your husband is okay from that accident. Sounds like you're on a good path to healing. Just take care, don't worry about us. We'll still be here.

[zzzmykids]

Thank you all for your comments. I had not read them until, today.  Have been in bed. Actually still am in bed regularly and like one of you can sleep, get out of bed and go sleep somewhere else in house, then sleep at night.  Right now have a bug that is nasea and other stuff. Hubby is still dealing with the accident in his truck he was in.
Still have the internment of Mom's ashes to deal with next month. Grief classes are doing great and taking next door neighbor to this weeks class. She lost her Mom a month before me and is still down, so I know it is a process.
Again, Thank you for your sincerety,
zzzmykids

[bernie40]

I'm so sorry to hear about your mom and what you are going through right now. I cannot even begin to imagine how I will cope when the time comes for one of my parents.  I've lost many people who are close to me but I don't think any of that will prepare me for the loss of a parent.

Joining a grief support group does sound like a good idea.  I think there are a number of reasons why those around us find it difficult to be there and listen to something like this.  The main reason being that they would probably be reminded of similar situations that they have had or it would be a reminder to them of their own parents mortality.  

The grieving process is different for everyone but at the same time it's the same for everyone.  Go with whatever feelings you are experiencing, don't try and suppress them, it's perfectly normal and perfectly ok to feel real pain for a while to come but hold on to the fact that it really will get easier to deal with as time passes.

Big hugs to you xx

[bpchrisb]

What you have described has been the toughest thing I have dealt with as of late.

I hit a rough patch, reach out for support and find that no one in my family has any clue about the disorder itself, the medication, or the treatment.

Many of them deal with mental illness themselves (it runs like wildfire in the family), so, of course, they think they know exactly what I am going through..But, they don't and they never will. Several hospitalizations haven't taught them anything. I don't get a panic attack where I can take some deep breathes and calm down; I become agitated manic and crawl out of my skin. I don't get bummed and can go down to the gym and work it off; I get violently depressed. So depressed that my central nervous system shuts down to the point where, even when I get out of bed, I nod off on the couch at noon.

They tell me to do something to get out of my own head. They don't realize that I don't have control over that; it's not a different frame of mind, it's a whole different reality.

[Xila31]

Hi Z, I'm sorry to hear about your mom. :(

I think you know I lost my mom to cancer, as I've meantioned it here before. I was only 13 at the time. She was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was 2. By the time I was 6 she had been through one remission, and a double mastectamy. As I got older, my mom was able to do less and less. I had trouble at school with my peers. This was when my illness was really starting to surface, I think, but no one really noticed. I'd already had one suicide attempt before she died.

So, when she died I was already in a very scary place. I remember a few days after she died my uncle was trying to get me to remember stories about her for the eulogy. I remember yelling at him that I had no memories of my mother, none. It was like she was sucked into a black hole. I'm guessing I was in some sort of shock. Over time that changed. I slowly began to remember things over the years. Pieces would surface. Random things would remind me.

Now, I'm not going to say much because I am still in a lot of grief about those things, and in 2.5 years it will be 20 years since she died. But, yes, I felt completely alone. I still feel like I am missing a whole chunk of something. I was put into 3 different grief therapies. One was a psychologist who had no idea how to handle a teen who was not only grieving but had other problems hidden under that. One was at school with five kids at my school who also lost friends and family, but I didn't share anything with them. The last was at the hospital wehre my mom died and it was only a few session with about 20 other kids whose parents died at the hospital. So, you know, it was very lonely.  

[rogelio63]

I lost my nephew in 2004.  And was very involved with his illness.  I actually think it's what triggered my final "jump" into BP II.  I still have issues with it.  I come home and squeeze my boys,,like I'm doing an impromptu physical, to make sure they're okay.  No one in my family, except my wife knows how much it affected me.  If they'd think about it, they'd realize he was the last patient I ever had.  I quit after that.
As far as family wanting to know,,I've gotten the books for my wife to read, offered to let her go with me to a psych visit, etc,,,.  She's sympathetic but doesn't really believe me or want to know anything about it.  Loneliness?  Definitely.  If I felt we were in this together it would mean so much to me.  If she had some serious chronic illness, I would be totally involved, but because this is inside my head it takes on a whole different perspective.