The Troll is Collecting His Tolls.

[Bluetwo]

I have 12 more days before my doctor's appointment. I can't wait to go. Even if I'm having fun with my manicky moods...there's the dark side of the moon.

I feel so miserable right now. When I was treated for this disorder all the troubles evaporate...no stinkin' thinkin'....no obsessions...no phobias....I didn't think about them. I found that wonderful. I couldn't believe that you could live like that! Almost worry free.

I do like my hypomania moments. I wish they would come up with a medience that allows you to have those charming moments. When I was medicated I noticed that I didn't obsessed over things. I didn't have these PTSD doing tape recording....doing loops and loops inside my head. Your personality flattens out when your medicated but I didn't have to deal with the grind of the mind or that troll meddling with my thoughts.

I've been having problems getting to sleep in the last few days and the old stinkin' thinkin', the old obsessions and phobias rear their ugly head. The troll is wandering around my head and he demands heavy tolls. I feel very aggravated.

My uncle passed away on the 4th of July. He lived in the UK. I met him three times as a kid. When his wife passed away last year I started calling him quite frequently. I enjoy talking to him but I wasn't close to him. That's the whole trouble with my family. My mother came to this country in 1950 to marry my father. I never had a chance to have close relationships with my relatives because they lived so far away. I never had a chance to know my relatives except from correspondence or vacation visits. My mother didn't like my father's family. We didn't have contact with them at all and my cousins lived next door! So I missed out being with extended family.

My marriage is solid and my husband is my best friend. I have two wonderful kids and I tell them don't start family feuds. Compromise and get along. Most importantly respect each other boundries. I think my mother is bp and she had many fights with her friends and family. She had a problem getting along with other people. She would make life miserable for everyone and a real party pooper. I had to compartmentalize her in my mid thirties when I got treated for my bp and to keep myself sane. She is very difficult to get along with and its like walking on egg shells. We are polar opposites and we do clash. She will bring out the worst in me.

I feel a little bit better now. The troll is wandering away. I like this forum.

[Bluetwo]

Thanks for your reply.

I do remember the nice things my uncle did when we visited our family in '68.
He took us to the movies. He was very attentive uncle while my mom and dad had the evening out. We stayed at his house with his little black cat named Blackie. I loved the little kitty and my mother left her suitcase open where the little kitty peed inside.

He won the lottery and came to visit my mother in Massachusetts for a month in '70. He got a sun tan and he was red as a lobster. He loved the American food and the BBQ. He still thought corn on the cob was something you feed the lifestock with but with a little butter...he liked it. Pizza and lasagna was a big hit.

He fixed my little radio but he wasn't mechanically inclined. He made such a fuss trying to fixed the darn thing...I appreciated all his energies trying to fix it. He laughed all the time. Jolly soul.


In '76 my uncle got married to a gal. He was in his forties and his first marriage. She was a divorcee. They had a good marriage and lasted 25 years. When I called him after his wife passed away I could tell he missed her dearly and you could hear him trying to hold back his emotions.

He passed away in front of his house. He got upset someone parked in front of his house without permission and called the cops. He had a heart attack and died on the spot. I hope I die like that...die peacefully in my bed...or die quickly.

He's in heaven with his dear wife.

I have noticed that we are very mobile society. We got to get use to it. Imagine when the locomotive came on line back in the mid 1850's in the UK. It dramatically changed the social order of things. People could marry outside their villages which is a good thing because it improve the gene pool.

Internet access....I can talk to my younger relatives in the UK.
We send picture of each other via flash drive. Lightweight to ship.
One cousins can afford internet access with picture downloads...my other cousin can't.  

Have a good day!

[Bluetwo]

Thing is... when I'm medicated....I don't have all these negative thoughts. They disappear like a thunderstorm. Why should I go to a therapist? I just need to go to my psychiatrist and get my medication. I been through all kinds of talk therapy...why should I need more?

I know the outcome and they will say the same things that I already know.
A therapist did recommend that I compartmentize my mother. I got good advice. It was very clever and applied it to my relationship with my mother. It works very well. When my husband and I visit my mother we do projects around her house. She is thrilled we are fixing her computer or her washing machine...so thrilled that she starts cooking a storm. We keep out of each others hair and we get along. Our visit is only for a week because we know she starts to get into her moods.

Sometimes its better not to be co-dependent on therapist. You have to grow up and take care of yourself. Solve problems by your own individuality. Being a independent person and making one's decision is a gift. People don't own you. Growing as a individual equals gGetting healthy.

If you get caught up in quagmire pycho-babble of nonsense then your not growing and your depending on others to make decisions for you.

Planned helplessness is very destructive for one's soul.

I had one therapist who only met me ONE time suggesting I just give up my job at school because she felt it was too stressful and another therapist telling me I should look for employment with flextime at the school. Which therapist is correct?

That therapist who recommended I quit my job worked  at the Naval Hospital. If I'm going to use a therapist I will use one off base because I feel I have more control over in the priviate sector.

Before I go to any shrink or social worker....I demand certain things....experience and being stable themselves. A good pdoc and social workers should have over 10 years in practice....flee from those who just got out of school.

Don't trust the anything the government provides because government care is inferior care. Then you need a therapist to help you with your PTSD problems created by government run healthcare. That actually happen to me after I got out of the military 25 years ago. The military healthcare system dictated my care and my care was determine by a bunch of  bureaucrats working with limited budget. Healthcare became "One Size Fits All" and if you have BP which makes up 1% of the population....fall through the cracks of the system being misdiagnosed and mistreated.

So I'm weary when government is controlling too much of my life especially when it comes to my healthcare. Perfect example for civilians is the SNAFU's in Katrina Disaster! That is your typical government in action. If you want that...go for it but its better if you determine your outcome like thinking adults.

Depend on self reliance.

For those who are reading this post.
What to look for when needing mental health care.

Ask questions....how long the doctor been in practice. If the doctor is still writing on his medical school stationary...clear room....this goes for the social workers too. I know people who work in "helping occupations" do experience burnout from stress from helping others but how do they deal with it in a healthy manner?


If they have many unsolve issues themselves they spread their "issues" to you.

Watch out and be careful.

You have only one mind. Don't let people muck it up it on you.
And people do love control and empowerment over others.
Got to watch out for them too.

[Xila31]

I have a lot of family I'm not close to. Or I have a lot of family that used to be close and now they moved away and we're not close any more. In this day and age it doesn't seem like family is what it once was. I tell you, though, distance doesn't always mean any thing. My uncle and cousins live right on the other side of the wall from us. We maybe talk to them one time every six months if we happen to be outside at our cars at he same time. I mean, they are right there. I can hear them walking around right now on their side of the duplex, but I don't know them at all. So they might as well be as far away as the UK.

I'm sorry about your uncle. Even though you never really got to spend time with him I'm sure he appreciated the phone calls. It is better than nothing. Maybe someday you can visit your family if any still are left out there.

[ILADVOCATE]

Well sounds like as if there an important number of things to talk about but of course the best thing is to have a talk therapist as well as psychiatrist as many of what you discuss would impact on anyone, even if they didn't have bipolar.