Having 2 of the HUGEST issues of my life right now...PLEASE HELP!!!

[CrzyBeautiful1]

Ok I'm going to try to make this as short as possible, cuz if any of u are like me, hardly anything can hold ur interest...especially a long novel of a post. LOL. This is about 2 different issues I'm having that I greatly need advice on.

Ok, I made a comment about my ex husband in another post. Well, the divorce isn't actually final yet. We have been seperated for over a year now and our court date is August 10th, so everything should be finalized then. Now, there is a long story to this, but basically he is a narcissistic man who truly believes he does not wrong. The ENTIRE time that our kids have been on this earth, he has had no part in there care. Even while we were together he was always gone, "working."  He was a police officer so he was constantly doing off duty jobs for events and such. It was always me and the kids everywhere we went. I clothed, bathed, fed, took them to any appoinments they had, EVERYTHING. He did none of this. I honostly felt like a single mother the whole time because I was always alone with the kids.

While as some of u know, I have struggled with "mental issues" for a long time now, getting different diagnosis' and nothing ever working as far as meds go. All the while having extreme mood swings and outbursts, along with periods of depression and suicidal thoughts, and sleeping in til afternoon. Well of course my ex knows all of this, as he has witnessed all of it. I also spent a major part of our relationship seeking help to make me better and he knows this too.

WELL...on February 24th of this year (divorce was already pending) I had a nervous breakdown. I ran out of my effexor 225 mg and couldn't get it filled, so I went about 3 weeks without it, and that accompanied with having to live in a small 3 bedroom house with my parents, my sister and her daughter, and me and my 3 kids, caused me to have this breakdown all of a sudden. So many things went thru my head. I took 18 Clonazapam and 1 xanax, and apparently tried to cut my wrists with a knife, but I don't remember that. Ambulance came and took me to ICU where I stayed for a few days then went to Vista (inpatient psych hospital) for about a week. This whole time, my ex didn't bother to take the kids from me when he could have easily. He got them for his weekend visit (when he was still doing that) then brought them back to my parents. Now that my court date is coming closer, I'm so scared that he is going to try to fight for custody and use that and my mental illness history against me.  He is a very vendictive man and I could see him doing this. He doesn't want the kids (hasn't even seen them for 2 months now) but he would do this just to hurt me. He has twins from a previous marriage that he has abandoned and hasn't spoken to in about 4 years.

What can I do to cover myself as far as the mental issue argument goes? I am not an unfit parent but how can I prove that to the judge, seeing as I took a bunch of pills, and have mental illness history I have?

Ok, second problem. I now have a boyfriend who I have been with for about a year now. He is absolutely perfect in every way possible. He's very patient with me, and know just how to keep cool during my raging outbursts. Well, he has 2 kids to go along with my 2 kids. I LOVE these kids as my own and we are one big mixed family. The ages of our kids are: my son is 4, my daughter is 2; his son is 7 and his daughter is 3. Both of my kids live with us full time. In fact, my ex NEVER gets them...doesn't even call to talk to my son much (called twice in the last 2 months). My boyfriend has joint custody of his daughter, and standard visitation of his son, which is every other weekend and every Wednesday from 5-9 pm. His daughters visitation is for 2 weeks at a time, cuz her mom lives 3 hrs away.

So here's where my issue comes into play. My 4 yr old son is ADHD, and very hyperactive. And with my problem, I am already an EXTREMELY irritable person. And when I say extreme, I mean extreme. I get aggrivated when I'm in the kitchen making a drink and one of the kids runs in all of a sudden and wants one too. A lot of this may stem from me being a stay at home since my oldest was born and NEVER getting a break from them. I'm mommy 24/7. And I am now...only to 4 kids when they're all here. And my boyfriends daughter likes to whine a lot when she doesn't get her way and it annoys the **** out of me. You know how u can always handle the things ur kids does better? Well its like that here. I love them like they were my own, but I guess they get on my nerves more easily than my own do. More so his daughter because shes that age, and his son truly is a perfect child. Its crazy how well behaved he is...he tries to keep the others in line! LOL. But I'm getting to where I dread when his daughter comes to visit. Of course hes so excited and sad when she leaves, but I'm secretly sooo happy. I hate feeling this way. I know she's just a little kid, but I think my bipolar (or whatever is wrong with me) makes me feel this way. I used to love kids, now they get on my nerves so bad! And her and my son fight constantly and she does this high pitched squeel that drives me crazy! She also picks on my daughter and takes her toys away and just generally acts mean to her.

This is such a problem for me because this ordeal is a trigger for me. I'm EXTREMELY psycho bitchy the whole time she's here. Even though I have my days like that when shes not, I have them every single day while shes here and no good days. This is starting to take a toll on my relationship with my boyfriend. I'm getting these crazy ideas that he's treating her better than the others, which I KNOW is not true. In fact, I've noticed since I argued it that he has gotten stricter on her. But I keep getting all these crazy ideas in my head and I argue with him saying really stupid stuff that later on I think, "OMG I'm being SO irrational!".  And bless his heart, one minute I'm happy and wanting to get married to him someday so bad, then the next I'm thinking we shouldn't be together cuz he has kids! Isn't this insane?!

So, what should I do about all of this? I'm going to my pdoc on I think July 25, maybe the 26th. Right now I am on a very low dose of Celexa, which was switched from 225 mg of Effexor because I was put on Adderall for my ADD and my pdoc didn't want me taking Effexor for it. So needless to say, I'm pretty much on nothing cuz the Celexa does absolutely nothing for me. So this makes my whole problem worse. I don't know what to do. My quality of parenting has gone down so much. I used to cook good meals every night and now I don't even bother. I get upset at how many mouths I have to feed and my food going fast. Stupid, but its there and its real within me. I don't want my relationship to fail because of this. I KNOW KNOW KNOW in my heart that if it failed, it would be because of my illness, and I can't let it win. We never have any problems except for this stupid thing I'M making an issue. He says he doesn't understand me. He says I keep changing my mind about what I want and he doesn't know what to think. I hate saying its bipolars fault because its like I'm trying to take the blame off of me. I get this stupid hatred inside and start to resent his daughter and this makes me sick that I'm acting so immature like this.

So what can I do in the meantime until I get on the right med to help me? Its pretty impossible to control my moods once they are swinging that way. I don't want to dread her visits, I don't want to be this irrational person who throws fits over ridiculous stuff, and I don't want to be this angry mommy. I feel like the wicked step mother. And not wicked in a good way. :( HELP!!!

[CrzyBeautiful1]

Wow I mistyped a lot of stuff...sorry! LOL.

Thank u guys so much for ur help. It was definitely good advice. I guess my main question with issue #1 was does my ex have a good case against me as far as my issues go and taking the kids from me. So thank you for the reassurance. I haven't documented everything the whole seperation, but have the past few months. I can definitely get my docs to verify that I am stable to take care of my children. Not only do I seek help for myself, but I take my son to a behavior therapist for his ADHD issues, and he is in a great pre-school for his language delays, goes to speech therapy, is up to date on shots and taken very good care of medically. My home is a safe home, he has his own room, plenty of food, very nice clothes and toys, and LOTS of love and spoiling, so he is in no way in a bad environment. I just don't want MY moods and problems to effect him. But back on subject, my docs know how my ex is because I've stressed my concerns to them even while we were still together and I was going to therapy. I even took anger management classes and that is documented. My kids are my life and I do whatever it takes to protect them, and they know that. I just can't help but fear that something may happen in his favor and I lose them. I guess its just my insecurities.

As far as problem #2, I can figure out what triggers my moods, but its just too hard for me to prevent them when the triggers are unavoidable ones. I even pray in the middle of my horrible mood...just stop and pray for God to help me calm down, and I take a quick break in the other room, but it only helps for a little while. The only time I feel better during the time we have ALL 4 kids, is when my boyfriend is home with me and can take some of the stress of dealing with the kids. I'm not in school this summer, but I return in fall to finish my nursing, so I'm hoping that break from the kids will help me. And as for now, I keep telling myself that its just a few more weeks and the I see my pdoc.

[Xila31]

Okay, so to sum it up problem 1 is that you don't want to lose your kids. Problem 2 is that you don't want to be an angry mommy, and really problem 3 is you don't want to mess up your relationship with your boyfriend. Yes?

Well, for problem 1 my heart is with you. I don't know what you can do. Everyone says "oh, the mom always gets the kids," but that is not true. I don't have my oldest son because I was in poverty and had no where to live, so he is in 100% custody of my ex. I tell you right now this is trauma in my life, so I won't say more. But, this is what I will say.
1) Maybe you have a chance since he seems to be not in the picture. Record what he's not doing or doing. Like, if he is skipping child support. That is in your favor. Or missing important events all the time for no reason. Like birthdays or school events, etc.

2) Keep a record that you are seeking treatment so that you have proof that you are working to not be that woman a few months ago who took all those pills. Get notes from doctors, whatever it takes.

As for problem 2 and 3 I don't know. Just keep seeing treatment. Don't give up. Try so hard every day and hopefully maybe you can find a way to be stable enough, if not "normal," but just enough. Hopefully once you find the right treatment things will get better.

[ILADVOCATE]

I would follow up with your psychiatrist as regards medication adjustment and explain if you engaged in any self destructive behavior no matter how minor. As regards your children if you have episodes of increased emotion think of what trigger points set them off and develop strategies on how to cope with them. Parenting classes can be of help. Its not a diagnosis that would stop you from having custody of your children but things do have to be under control. Speak to your psychiatrist and therapist about all this.

[CrzyBeautiful1]

omg I am so sorry for the very long post, but I've been bottled these problems up inside for so long. Especially the 2nd one. And I'm worried that if I don't get help now, I'm going to go over the edge again and do something stupid. I'm ashamed to say that I got into it with my boyfriend (about our kids issue agian of course) and got so upset than when he left for work I took a knife and cut up my thighs. Ok I didn't actually "cut" my thights, but scraped them more like with the knife. Just enough pressure to feel a little pain. And remember, I'm off meds so this stuff is unbearable. I don't do this kind of stuff on the meds at least...even though they don't make me better, they at least kept me from getting this low.