discipline

[sarahe518]

my daughter was misdiagnosed 2 1/2 years ago with ADHD. she is now 8 and was just recently diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder after a week  long stay at a local child psychiatric hospital due to her behavior in school. i understand that she needs structure and discipline. how do i get her step-dad to understand that he can't pick on her, and fuss at her for every little thing she does. he says i baby her but i'm the more understanding one. he's the more aggressive one. where do we draw the line to discipline her the same? it's causing problems in our relationship.

[Xila31]

I say to sit down with your daughter and husband and come up with a writen list of rules that will be posted in the house. I think along with these rules there should be pre-set punishments for them. For example, if she doesn't do her homework then no internet or t.v. for a week. Stuff like that. And then stick to it no matter what. If you have other kids then all of them should be made to follow the same rules with the same consequences, that way your daughter won't be set apart.

This list should be clearly posted somewhere that everyone has access to. That way the rules are made clear to your daughter, and the consequences are made clear to everyone.

As for picking on her, teasing her, verbal berating, anything like that then your family needs to see a family therapist. Everyone needs to be on the same page. It is hard to be a kid with these problems and the most structured the family life is the easier it will be for her.

[paxista]

You identified two issues - your daughter needs structure and discipline  for the bipolar disorder. Follow the psychiatrist's advice. I mostly agree with Xila31; rules should be clear and have clear rewards and punishments that logically apply to each rule. E.g., "if you cannot use your trash can properly, you don't get a trash can in your room" or "if you offend verbally then you get vinegar in the mouth." Everyone - child or adult, BD or not - socializes and performs better in these circumstances. However, every person is different; rewards that work for one do not work for another; someone who is never guilty of a certain transgression does not need an explicit rule to govern that behavior.
  The other issue is the step-dad's behavior. As Xila31 said, if he does not respect your attempts to help your daughter, a family therapist is in order. A therapist may inspire you, your husband, and your daughter in ways you would not figure out on your own.

[sarahe518]

thanks to you all with your comments. i greatly appreciate it. we will definitely sit down with the rules and figure this out together. i'm looking for a good family counselor now preferrably one that knows and understands what we are dealing with. again thank you and i agree!

[ILADVOCATE]

I agree with the other posts but I would also add that NAMI friend and family support groups can be very helpful in addition. For some people with bipolar cognitive behavioral therapy can be helpful in addition to medication and talk therapy. Its essential to react to what you are dealing with as aspects of a disability rather than just bad behavior but a therapist could explain more about that and appropriate ways to set limits and emotional boundaries.

[hell1971]

I am having the exact same problem at the moment, life is hard enough having a 9 year old bipolar child. I think my husband is far too aggressive with her and does not givve her any understanding or empathy that she cant always help her behaviour, last night we had a two hour melt down over brocolli, everyone in the family is effected, I have learnt over the years that speaking calmly but firmly and having consequences is the best action, this doesnt make me soft but it does rid our family of some of the anger. I too have to speak to my husband but I know he will get defensive about it. You are not alone

[shay69]

I would suggest family counseling and parenting classes. I have the same issues with my husband and where going to be starting counseling for it. good luck and I think It's great your understanding and supportive of your daughter