Being honest with myself is a problem

[rmoore]

Hey there,
I have not been diagnosed bipolar but I'm worried.  Right now I'm being treated for depression with Celexa.  I've been reading up on BP.  I have a follow up with my general practitioner on May 7 who will make the decision then on whether or not to refer me to a psychiatrist.  
There's always been a funky aspect of my personality that makes these types of visits a problem.  I have always held the belief that if I say something out loud that it becomes inevitable.  For instance, if I voice my desire to learn a language or take a degree program or choose any type of course of action, I feel I am locked into doing it now.  When I don't follow through with it, I feel very defeated and depressed.  I'm going through this now with a Master's program I just got accepted in.  I don't feel it's necessarily a good time to start but I'm just so freakin' bored and I don't want to deal with the added smack down of a seeming "failure".  I know certain things in my actions are very BP-ish.  I feel like if I tell the doctors this, boom, there I go,,it's reality now and the course is set.  Now I know that saying or not saying will not change reality, it is what it is.  But I feel like once the words are said, I've ruined my life.  
The things I've done that seem manic are so out of character for me.  When I tell people I have tattoos (a lot), they look at me like, no way not you or when I tell them I had piercings, same reaction.  And when I got them,,I just came home with them,,Look here honey,,I got tattoos, no discussion, no one went with me to cheer me on. Other things like this that I don't want to mention here.
Anyway, I digress, I know I need to be honest, forthcoming, etc,,, with my docs.  Someone give me some help/advice/creative criticism or scathing rebuke.  Anyone ever felt this way before?
Rodger

[bastet56]

You are not alone. In my case once I get an idea in my head I become single minded, obsessed with getting it or making it happen and I often find myself making serious errors in judgement or getting myself in a hole emotionally. I think that many BP's have these judgement problems. I have not found a medication yet that can save me from myself, I have to learn ( often the hard way) not to rush into things and to distract myself from things I shouldn't do. Sometimes I am successful, sometimes not. Good Luck to you.

[ILADVOCATE]

Its very important to tell your psychiatrist exactly what's going on so they can make a conclusive diagnosis. The treatment for bipolar (mood stabilizers) is different from the treatment for depression (anti-depressents). Its best not to figure out exactly what to tell them and in what way except exactly what is going on. Don't self diagnose and then try to explain it to them that. I explained to my psychiatrists in 1990 I had ocd. They did agree it was the right diagnosis and I do have some obsessive symptoms but actually I had schizoaffective (as they later concluded) and an SSRI anti-depresent (I was given Anafranil at the time as that's what was available then) made schizoaffective worse as anti-depresents can make bipolar worse. But you can't assume you have bipolar either. Keep track of your moods as with the Mood Tracker here and bring it to the psychiatrist and as for "set for life" if your diagnosis changes over time they can change the medications and certainly (you can read some of my journal entries for more information as I am in a clinical study) medication will improve over time. Don't put so much pressure on yourself. Just think of it like a regular doctor's visit and explain what's going on to the best of your abilities.