relapse?

[jylle]

has anyone else felt that they "conquered" their mental illness only to find symptoms returning due to situational circumstances? i've had clinical depression/bipolar for a long time (and very intense childhood paranoia/OCD), and finally, after the worst year of my life (many medications, suicidal thoughts/disassociation/psychotic thinking, bad family/relationship problems, chronic health issues, and finally, drum roll....an almost fatal rare autoimmune disease), i became "gasp" happy. not to say life was perfect or that i'll ever be sane, but i found a state of mind where i could live my life and be happy, even without meds. anyway long story short, new health issues are making some of my old tendencies return, and i'm worried....even the little things (i'm a very social person and i'm afraid i'm isolating myself again, great example, it's friday night and i ignore my friends' phone calls to stay home and obsess about everything wrong with me via the internet). i feel very beaten down and tired, and would just kill myself except my spiritual beliefs prevent me from doing just that. HELP.

[jylle]

i would agree but at this point i'm kinda afraid to take medication. the only thing that seemed to work was lamictal and i got a rash and ended up in the emergency room (for other health reasons) but needless to say my psychiatrist wont let me near it. throughout high school i was generally off meds, just a supplemental form of lithium and respridal and xanax for the bad times, and i never noticed any side affects then. However, i felt like medication is what sent me spiraling down last year, i've never felt that psychotic or disassociated before. but despite feeling suicidal and depressed right now, i still feel like a human being, with real loves, emotions, and the ability to connect to other people;  that feeling of being a alive was gone for a good part of last year and honestly i'd rather die then go back to feeling like an agitated empty shell. i'm going to start going to therapy again and i guess i'll take it from there. thanks for the input

[paranoid_cataclysm]

I had a period of being stable for the most part until I had to switch meds to a low dose one and then had an anxiety attack and my symptoms became worse and haven't gotten better yet but I'm going to the doc for it soon.

[starbunny]

I agree with ILADVOCATE. I used to spend far to much time 'obsessing' on the internet looking for 'natural' cures for my ilness, because I wanted to take control myself rather than rely on tablets. I wanted to convince myself that it wasn't so bad and things could go back the way they were before.
Truth is, being in a stable period is actually a vulnerable time for people with bipolar because some of us have a natural tendency to minimise our previous experiences and convince ourselves that we are better for good.
It sounds like you need to go back to your pdoc and explain what's going on. Going back on meds is not a bad thing. It will help you gain some control over these overpowering thoughts and feelings, and it's not a sign of going 'backwards.'  
The earlier you go for help the better chance you have of getting your illness under control. One thing I did when I was realy ill was to write down how bad things really were for me and put it somewhere safe so that if I was ever tempted to think I was 'cured' or ditch my meds I could read it to remind be of how bad things could be for me if I did.
I wish you all the best and let us know how you get on...

[ILADVOCATE]

Yes when I acquired advance tardive it seemed like everything had fallen apart. Physical recovery was a difficult climb up and I'm still not there yet. What has made it easier is having recovered with a new antipsychotic agent in Phase II FDA study. That much I've detailed before. A lot of the issues you describe would set anyone back. But the need for medication is always there. At times, unless a person has active psychosis such as I did before recovery it can seem as if medication isn't needed but part of the cycle of bipolar is the euthymic (stable) phase in between depression and mania and that can fool many people. So the first step would be to go back into treatment. Then you discuss the rest with a therapist or work on specific coping solutions but stability is key and treatment is a part of that.