I have recently been introduced to the idea that I may have BP. Doing research on the web has made me very worried that I have it. I guess I just need some advice.
I am a 25 year old female. I am always in relationships and i always cheat. I drink a lot and find myself starting fights with my significant other. I begin acting out; throwing things punching, kicking, screaming, and ruining relationships and friendships that i care about. It is not unlikely for me to seek attention from others and have sexual relations with many different men. After this i feel so low about myself and i will have thoughts of suicide. I tell myself that if anyone found out about what id done that I would just end my life. I will stay up all night feeling remorseful.
I have had times where i believe im asleep but someone is talking to me and i cannot wake my body up. Its as if only my brain is working during this conversation and my body doesn't respond. Its a very scary feeling.
No one im my life knows that i am like this at all. Im always happy on the outside; telling stories and jokes to make others laugh. I enjoy going out and being with my friends. I spend more money than i have at the bars and even when i go grocery shopping. Lately my (what i believe to be) manic behavior has ruined a few great things in my life including my relationship, and a friendship. I do not have the money needed to seek help even though i feel like i desperately need it.
Im not sure what i should do about this. If anyone has any advice i would greatly appreciate it.
Thank you.