Boyfriends 7 yr old

[czylady]

I have been involved in relationships that have kids but when I got involved with this one I had no idea how hard it was going to be. I am a 35 yr old professional woman that lives in an apartment with my dog. I decided not to have children so I got my tubes tied and have no regrets doing so. After this weekend I know why. My boyfriend whom I care & love very much has a 7 yr old boy. I have never experienced such a needy & demanding little boy. He can't stay nor be alone. When my boyfriends in the shower he sits by the door waiting for him to finish. If the door is unlocked he will go in the the bathroom & wait for him to get done. Is this seperation anxiety? He is attached to the hip of my boyfriend. He has all the classical signs of being spoiled. I do believe that his mother jumps at every whim to keep him from lashing out. He has temper tantrums if my b/f is out of sight. He manipulates every situation to get his way. The down side to that is that it works. This weekend I spanked him & put him in the back seat of the car while my b/f was in the grocery store. You would of thought I was killing the kid. We have an understanding with discipline & we do believe in spanking. We do not reward bad behavior. He threw 4 temper tantrums in one day, he absoulutly has no independence. He can't play by himself. He has to constantly have a playmate. When he has a playmate he is very bossy. We have been seeing eachother for a yr now & it has gotten worse as time goes on. I am worried that he has the potenial to turn violent when he reaches puberty. He was held back in the first grade b/c he wasn't mature enough to continue. I enjoy this man but don't enjoy his child. He has come between us so many times our relationship is on the line and I reached my ropes end. We are very active with him, we read, go camping, praise him when he deserves it & he is rewarded when he does his chores. Which involves feeding the dog, taking the garbage out, ect. I like to believe we are raising to be a responsible young adult. Where is this behavior coming from? Visiting is every other weekend. It's horrible & I no longer know what to do. I realize its hard in a divorced family b/c discipline is inconsistant between homes. The mother has a b/f as well. When he is asked if there is something going on at home, he doesn't say anything. Is there a reason why he doesn't feel safe or is he scared that his dad is going to up & leave him? I don't know what the root of the problem may be, we have discussed it all weekend long and have no answers.

Open for advice and suggestions.

[czylady]

I guess it would all depend on how of sensitive person you are. You would deal with it differently. Since I was disciplined "old school" and was a ranch kid, we weren't allowed what is allowed today. Let me be more specific, tv, computers, xboxes, ect. We were working the ranch at age 5 that was our lively hood. I remember my mother taking a rubber hose after me. Boy I never forgot that one but I also didnt' do what it was that I done again. I would never spank a kid like that. I turned out fine and I am mentally healthy. Now my child hood friend, while we were growing up I remember her mother taking a pitch fork after her for not doing the dishes. She is really haveing some issues with life and abuses her children. So I think we all have our opinions about discipline. I am a tough woman, tougher than most. My mother was running her own boot camp I think. I thank her for turning me into the woman I am today, no matter how rough it was for me as a kid. And it was TOUGH!!! My BF had a easy childhood but still got spanked. No matter the humiliation you went through, know that your an adult now and you can be better than that. I am not saying that I went through any tougher times than others but I can admit that even the mostly spanked would be amazed on how I grew up. Most of all I feel right about it.

[czylady]

Hello to everyone..Is there anyone still reading this post? I want to take this time to vent. This little boy came home from school one day complaining bout not having crayons in school along with other school supplies. Dad (BF) was very very upset and began to wonder what the hell he is paying child support for. Where is the money going? So I took upon myself to make him a care package with crayons and the things he asked for. It was a big box full of fun stuff for home and school. I live in the Black Hills, 250 miles away. I sent it to his house. Well to make a long story short, she sent it back.

On the more positive side. He is going to couseling on a regular basis. Although he doesn't talk to the therapist I am hoping that one day he will open up to him and talk about whatever it is that is bothering him.

On another note: We both agreed that I won't be visiting while it on the vistitation weekends. If he is threatened by me we will know by the he acts when I am not around. If that is the case then I am ready to eat humble pie. However that will NOT make a difference nor stop us from seeing eachother but will help all of us understand eachother a bit more.

Thanks for all the support from all you gals!!

[Tula]

I JUST WANT TO TELL EVERYONE.  GOD WAS THE PERFECT PARENT AND EVEN HIS TWO KIDS MESSED UP..  ADAM AND EVE.  HE TOLD THEM THEY COULD HAVE EVERYTHING IN THE GARDEN EXCEPT THE APPLE.  BUT THEY TO HAVE A FREE WILL AND WENT AGAINST WHAT GOD HAD INSTRUCTED THEM NOT TO DO.  THEREFORE THERE WAS A HUGE CONSEQUENCE.  IT WAS THEN THAT ALL HELL BROKE LOSE.  ITS A UGLY WORD CALLED SIN.
GOD GAVE US ALL A FREE WILL ANOTHER WORDS HE DOESNT MAKE US LOVE HIM HE WANTS US TO LOVE HIM.  ITS CALLED CHOICE.  I BELIEVE IF WE TAKE THAT PERSPECTIVE WITH OUR CHILDREN ALLOWING THERE FREE WILL BUT TEACHING WITH CHOICES THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES NATURAL OR BY THE PARENT AND CONTINUE TO NURTURE AND LOVE THEY WILL RETURN THAT BACK TO US.  DAD AND GIRLFRIEND CONTINUE DOIN WHAT YOUR DOING.  SET A GOOD EXAMPLE BY YOUR CHOICES MAYBE WAIT UNTIL YOU ARE MARRIED BEFORE YOU SPEND THE NIGHT TOGETHER.  OR WHATEVER.  MAKE SURE U ALLOW HIM TO BE A PART OF YOUR WEDDING AND FUTURE CHILDREN IM SURE YOU WILL.  MY KIDS WERE NEVER A BIG PART OF THERE DAD AND STEPMOMS WEDDING CHILDREN AND WHATEVER ELSE AND NOW I SEE THE EFFECTS IT HAS HAD ON MY KIDS.  THEY LOVE THERE DAD ALOT BUT THEY TRULY LEARN BY EXAMPLE.  I ALSO HAVE TWO STEP DAUGHTERS ONE WHO LIVES WITH US AND IM SURE THE OTHER IS TO FOLLOW.  ALOT OF INSTABILITY ON THERE MOMS SIDE.  ONE THING I ALWAYS MAKE SURE I DON'T DO IS TALK DOWN ON THE OTHER PARENT IT ONLY HURTS THE CHILD AND STRESSES YOU OUT.  I FIND PRAYING FOR THEM IS BETTER.  THE KIDS ARENT STUPID THE PROOF IS IN THE EATING THEY SOON FIGURE OUT WHAT KIND OF PERSON THERE PARENTS ARE.  GOOD OR BAD.  ANYWAY GOOD LUCK WITH EVERYTHING CONTINUE TO DO THE RIGHT THING AND IT WILL ALL WORK OUT..

[mommie2]

I think you are doing a great job in trying to find help for his son!!!

It takes a strong person to be a step parent, hang in there. I think at this point you have already become a steady part of the boy's life and it would be horrible for you to walk out now. He has gotten use to the idea of you being around with his dad, he would feel abandoned again if you walkrd out.

Keep trying hard because all children deserve love and the chance to live a full life. Divorce is tough especially for young children, they sometimes blame themselves, with a lot of love and support from both of you then he has a better chance of getting past this.

I have 3 children and just got remarried, my husband had no children and then an instant family. He has done such a good job at being a step parent, which is difficult becaus4e I have an 8 year old son with Bipolar disorder. My husband doe sgreat with him, especially when I have had enough and need to walk away, he takes over.

Keep up the fight for him and he will come around. The best thing for him is stability!!!!

[Aruba417]

For the record, I'm all for spanking, and I don't believe that you two were beating your kid, nor did I imply that. I feel it is very important to discipline your child, and if that means a swat on the butt every so often, then so be it. I'm not a parent yet, but I was spanked as a kid myself, and turned out just fine, and I love both my parents and know why they did it. It was never abuse. I've talked to a lot of my friends who ARE parents, and every one of them spank their kids. They're not beat. They get a little smack on their butts that's just enough to get their attention. Sometimes a time out just doesn't work, you know? I have no experience with being a step parent or step child, but I do know what it was like getting spankings as a kid, and I'm not messed up and hate myself or my parents for it. Good luck to you - both of you! It sounds like you're really trying to make this work.

[maryheather]

Go Dad!!
The voice of authority speaks, and speaks with strength.
I admire your words...that your son won't dictate who is a part of your life.  Kids are resilient..and I think he'll be glad one day (I know that I was...at least the first stepmother..) to have a relationship with the person that you've chosen to (?)marry.  
Thanks for the compliment, but there are lots of smart people here.  I learn something new everyday!!
Good luck, and keep posting...Heather