Boyfriends 7 yr old

[czylady]

I have been involved in relationships that have kids but when I got involved with this one I had no idea how hard it was going to be. I am a 35 yr old professional woman that lives in an apartment with my dog. I decided not to have children so I got my tubes tied and have no regrets doing so. After this weekend I know why. My boyfriend whom I care & love very much has a 7 yr old boy. I have never experienced such a needy & demanding little boy. He can't stay nor be alone. When my boyfriends in the shower he sits by the door waiting for him to finish. If the door is unlocked he will go in the the bathroom & wait for him to get done. Is this seperation anxiety? He is attached to the hip of my boyfriend. He has all the classical signs of being spoiled. I do believe that his mother jumps at every whim to keep him from lashing out. He has temper tantrums if my b/f is out of sight. He manipulates every situation to get his way. The down side to that is that it works. This weekend I spanked him & put him in the back seat of the car while my b/f was in the grocery store. You would of thought I was killing the kid. We have an understanding with discipline & we do believe in spanking. We do not reward bad behavior. He threw 4 temper tantrums in one day, he absoulutly has no independence. He can't play by himself. He has to constantly have a playmate. When he has a playmate he is very bossy. We have been seeing eachother for a yr now & it has gotten worse as time goes on. I am worried that he has the potenial to turn violent when he reaches puberty. He was held back in the first grade b/c he wasn't mature enough to continue. I enjoy this man but don't enjoy his child. He has come between us so many times our relationship is on the line and I reached my ropes end. We are very active with him, we read, go camping, praise him when he deserves it & he is rewarded when he does his chores. Which involves feeding the dog, taking the garbage out, ect. I like to believe we are raising to be a responsible young adult. Where is this behavior coming from? Visiting is every other weekend. It's horrible & I no longer know what to do. I realize its hard in a divorced family b/c discipline is inconsistant between homes. The mother has a b/f as well. When he is asked if there is something going on at home, he doesn't say anything. Is there a reason why he doesn't feel safe or is he scared that his dad is going to up & leave him? I don't know what the root of the problem may be, we have discussed it all weekend long and have no answers.

Open for advice and suggestions.

[maryheather]

I have to say that my heart hurts for you, b/c I genuinely feel that you want what is best for this child.  It's tough to know the right things, and not have the "genetic authority" to follow through with them, especially when you see others in his life not following through.  Maybe there are other ways for you to reach this child?  Also, if the two of you were married, the circumstance may change...it would be your household as well, and you wouldn't be "the girlfriend".  There is some finality in "wife"...maybe the little boy is afraid to get close to you for fear of you and his dad splitting up????  Don't know, just a thought.  Good luck, though, and I do applaud you for caring.  That is more than some biological parents ever do.

Keep in touch...
MH

[czylady]

There are the hand full that I can count that makes complete sense, you are one of them. However, I know that there are the several that totally disagrees with me disciplining him. When I got involved with the dad, a year now. I was given permission to "spank" him from both of his parents. I also was from a divorced family but I was also taught to respect my "steps" even though I hated them. This little boy is in a fragile state but does not respect his mother in the least, in fact walks all over her. Its not my job to teach him to respect his mother nor do I want the responsiblity. But when I am with his dad discipline is enforced accordingly. I do have to say that you did give me some insight on some things his dad should know.

I am going to have the dad read this forum. He is visiting me next weekend. I hope you come back and read what he has to say.

[maryheather]

I know its been a while since the last post, and no one will prob. even read this, but I must say to Carmella and all the others...
I am an educated, intelligent, woman who believes in spanking her children.  
However, I do agree that the g/f shouldn't be spanking the child.  That is a parent's responsibility, but there are other ways for her to maintain consistancy with discipline.  

Additionally, I completely disagree that the time spent with the dad needs to be "pleasurable" time.  Why, because the dad only sees him on the weekends, should the child have free reign of his attitude and actions, just because he's with dad?  They should make the expected behavior known, and enforce it when it is not.  It isn't fair to the child, because that isn't a true parent/child relationship to avoid conflict, and it isn't fair to the dad, because I guarantee that with this attitude, when the child is 16 and acting like a normal teenager, he will expect his dad to go along with his antics, and not discipline him then either!!  You begin early enforcing the behaviors that you wish them to have for a lifetime!  Who wants to teach their child that there is ANYWHERE on earth that you can go and it will just be...pleasurable...no rules, no discipline, no consequences.  Hello---welcome to the real world.  

What dad should be teaching him is that he loves him and wants the best for him...not, "come to my house so you don't have to follow any rules."

I am the product of a divorced home, and I respected both of my parents.  

However, I do think I would've hated my "steps" had they ever tried to spank me.  Leave that part to the mom and dad.

[Aruba417]

I was spanked as a child, and so were my siblings. We grew up in a loving home, my parents are Christians, my dad was a police officer, but they never thought twice about swatting us on the butt if we did something bad! And I will discipline my kids the same way. I grew up and went to college and got married and so did my siblings. And I'm only 25, so it wasn't THAT long ago, either. So that's my opinion on THAT subject. As far as spanking someone ELSES child, yeah...you might want to back off for just awhile. It's obvious that you're trying with him. But I also think if you're truly to be happy, then you may want to end this relationship, since you don't want children. I know it's easier said than done, but it's something to consider. Good luck.

[czylady]

UPDATE:
I appreciate everyone's opinion in this matter. Since I posted the question lots has happened. What frustrates me the most (yes this is one side of story) is the mother. When the father and I started dating a yr. ago. The mother and I visited several times, along with her BF (socially) THEN when I got upset at my BF for doing HER favors things seemed to go down hill from there. YES, its hard for children. I really do care for this kid & love him. I however, don't love him like a parent would love him. But I am convinced that her son has become an inconvience to her. He is back in therapy thanks to us & only us. His mother did not want him to go. It's a constant struggle with her. It's important to me that he has friends & does well in school but other neighbor kids don't like to be around him. I feel bad I most honestly do but I am not going to roll over cuz his mother has been putting things in his head. There are signs that she does that, you can tell. He will be turning 8 in a couple of months, I have decided to give him a birthday party that will be unforgetable. In the meantime his father & stand our ground of disiplining accordingly & setting boundries. There is no doubt that he is going to be just fine. In the summer we do more activities. I don't want to take his mother's place, I most certainly don't. Its not going to take him long to figure all of it out. We have support from the grandparents cuz they know as well. As far as behavior problems, I really do think it lies within the mother, after all she is sole provider at this time. This is not a dead beat father, he pays his child support.

[lmroswell]

This boy's needs need to fall ahead of everyone else, and ultimately his natural parents need to take responsibility of this situation and get counseling for all involved, as it sounds very much needed.  His natural mother sounds like she is falling short of being a responsible parent, but I know we have only heard one side of the story.  You only get one shot at raising your children, and you want to give them the best opportunity to grow into an understanding, well adjusted young adult.  Sounds like they're blowing it. This is a complicated situation and needs professional intervention.