Aa
Boyfriends 7 yr old
I have been involved in relationships that have kids but when I got involved with this one I had no idea how hard it was going to be. I am a 35 yr old professional woman that lives in an apartment with my dog. I decided not to have children so I got my tubes tied and have no regrets doing so. After this weekend I know why. My boyfriend whom I care & love very much has a 7 yr old boy. I have never experienced such a needy & demanding little boy. He can't stay nor be alone. When my boyfriends in the shower he sits by the door waiting for him to finish. If the door is unlocked he will go in the the bathroom & wait for him to get done. Is this seperation anxiety? He is attached to the hip of my boyfriend. He has all the classical signs of being spoiled. I do believe that his mother jumps at every whim to keep him from lashing out. He has temper tantrums if my b/f is out of sight. He manipulates every situation to get his way. The down side to that is that it works. This weekend I spanked him & put him in the back seat of the car while my b/f was in the grocery store. You would of thought I was killing the kid. We have an understanding with discipline & we do believe in spanking. We do not reward bad behavior. He threw 4 temper tantrums in one day, he absoulutly has no independence. He can't play by himself. He has to constantly have a playmate. When he has a playmate he is very bossy. We have been seeing eachother for a yr now & it has gotten worse as time goes on. I am worried that he has the potenial to turn violent when he reaches puberty. He was held back in the first grade b/c he wasn't mature enough to continue. I enjoy this man but don't enjoy his child. He has come between us so many times our relationship is on the line and I reached my ropes end. We are very active with him, we read, go camping, praise him when he deserves it & he is rewarded when he does his chores. Which involves feeding the dog, taking the garbage out, ect. I like to believe we are raising to be a responsible young adult. Where is this behavior coming from? Visiting is every other weekend. It's horrible & I no longer know what to do. I realize its hard in a divorced family b/c discipline is inconsistant between homes. The mother has a b/f as well. When he is asked if there is something going on at home, he doesn't say anything. Is there a reason why he doesn't feel safe or is he scared that his dad is going to up & leave him? I don't know what the root of the problem may be, we have discussed it all weekend long and have no answers.
Open for advice and suggestions.
Open for advice and suggestions.
THIS IS THE DAD:
Maryheather: your the only one who makes sense to me. I appreciate the advice. You truly are a smart woman.
I was raised in a stable home. I am the youngest of 3 siblings. I was a spoiled child as well. My mother did most of the discipline and that included spankings. Being raised in the midwest most specifically in North Dakota as was my GF. If we misbehaved we were shoveling **it for a week. If I were raising my son like I was raised this behavior would not be happening. Is this caused by my gf spankings? I think not, it is caused from inadequate parenting on both parts. He is in a fragile state, no doubt about that. The posts sound like we are beating him with in an inch of his life and we most certainly are not. The discipline he recieves is mild. I do believe the discipline is different in other areas of the country. We discipline our childern "old school" my GF definitly has permission to spank him. In my opinion the relationship with my son and my GF is a good one. The spanking that he recieved at the time was about respect. How is he going to respect anyone as an adult. Specially for the most part, women. I am paying for the after math of a divorce. It's not easy nor meant to be but I do believe he will be just fine. The relationship between him and my GF will continue to grow. I am not going to allow an 8 yr old little boy to choose who is a part of my life and who is not. There is enough of me to go around. We are not going to fold and there IS marriage in the future. My son is number 1 a priority that has never been a question. His mental health is very important. I got off of the right track during the divorce, my mistake. My GF is strong woman and looking out for the best interest for my son. She helped open my eyes and things are better now.
There is no doubt that we will be a strong family, we are surviors.
Thank you,
A concerned Dad
PS...we will enjoy every B-day till he is 30+.
Maryheather: your the only one who makes sense to me. I appreciate the advice. You truly are a smart woman.
I was raised in a stable home. I am the youngest of 3 siblings. I was a spoiled child as well. My mother did most of the discipline and that included spankings. Being raised in the midwest most specifically in North Dakota as was my GF. If we misbehaved we were shoveling **it for a week. If I were raising my son like I was raised this behavior would not be happening. Is this caused by my gf spankings? I think not, it is caused from inadequate parenting on both parts. He is in a fragile state, no doubt about that. The posts sound like we are beating him with in an inch of his life and we most certainly are not. The discipline he recieves is mild. I do believe the discipline is different in other areas of the country. We discipline our childern "old school" my GF definitly has permission to spank him. In my opinion the relationship with my son and my GF is a good one. The spanking that he recieved at the time was about respect. How is he going to respect anyone as an adult. Specially for the most part, women. I am paying for the after math of a divorce. It's not easy nor meant to be but I do believe he will be just fine. The relationship between him and my GF will continue to grow. I am not going to allow an 8 yr old little boy to choose who is a part of my life and who is not. There is enough of me to go around. We are not going to fold and there IS marriage in the future. My son is number 1 a priority that has never been a question. His mental health is very important. I got off of the right track during the divorce, my mistake. My GF is strong woman and looking out for the best interest for my son. She helped open my eyes and things are better now.
There is no doubt that we will be a strong family, we are surviors.
Thank you,
A concerned Dad
PS...we will enjoy every B-day till he is 30+.
I just wanted to say that the poster is not a step-parent. She is the child's father's girfriend. The fact that she is dating this man, does not make her a step parent. This guy is REALLY messing up his kid to allow all of this in the first place.
If they were married, or even living together in a committed lifelong relationship, then this would be different, but they are not, so she has no parental authority whatsoever on my opinion. My mother dated men after my biological father died. She didn't bring them home and allow them to play "daddy" to me. She did eventually re-marry and the "stepdad" adopted me and my brother. He was my "dad" after a lot of time and commitment on his part. So my point is that this woman is NOT a step parent, she is just a woman in the father's life that may or may not be around in the coming years, and the Dad is REALLY messing things up.
To all you REAL step parents, KUDOS and hats off to you for stepping up to the plate. And to all of you stepkids out there, you are the ones that can put yourself into the child's shoes. From everything I've read, he has a long, hard road ahead of him with all of the "grown ups" in and out of his life. No wonder he is such a mess.
--J
If they were married, or even living together in a committed lifelong relationship, then this would be different, but they are not, so she has no parental authority whatsoever on my opinion. My mother dated men after my biological father died. She didn't bring them home and allow them to play "daddy" to me. She did eventually re-marry and the "stepdad" adopted me and my brother. He was my "dad" after a lot of time and commitment on his part. So my point is that this woman is NOT a step parent, she is just a woman in the father's life that may or may not be around in the coming years, and the Dad is REALLY messing things up.
To all you REAL step parents, KUDOS and hats off to you for stepping up to the plate. And to all of you stepkids out there, you are the ones that can put yourself into the child's shoes. From everything I've read, he has a long, hard road ahead of him with all of the "grown ups" in and out of his life. No wonder he is such a mess.
--J
Yes, Yes, yes!!!
I have one child who gets chooses to get spanked, because it is immediate and has no "lasting" consequences for her!! (We have since changed our method of discipline for her....lol)
My other child gets a tiny little swat on the hand and you would think his world had come to an end...
Needless to say, I agree totally with what you're saying---every child is different.
And...you've caused me to think through what my step's were thinking as I was an older teen/young woman and they were trying to "partner" with my parents on disciplining me. Thanks for the new perspective.
That's why I love this place!!
To the original poster: I still think you're doing a great job by trying to find a solution, especially if marriage is anywhere in the future. You have to establish relationship with this child in some way that works for you. However, I think we all agree that you don't have the responsibility of spanking him (BE GLAD....that part of the job is horrible.)
Also, try the book, 1-2-3 Magic. You can look it up on the web...and it was invaluable to me. We have a child with ADHD, and she's the one who prefers spanking---she is definitely strong willed...and this book was great for us.
Good luck to all....and Carmella, thanks for the insight.
MH
I have one child who gets chooses to get spanked, because it is immediate and has no "lasting" consequences for her!! (We have since changed our method of discipline for her....lol)
My other child gets a tiny little swat on the hand and you would think his world had come to an end...
Needless to say, I agree totally with what you're saying---every child is different.
And...you've caused me to think through what my step's were thinking as I was an older teen/young woman and they were trying to "partner" with my parents on disciplining me. Thanks for the new perspective.
That's why I love this place!!
To the original poster: I still think you're doing a great job by trying to find a solution, especially if marriage is anywhere in the future. You have to establish relationship with this child in some way that works for you. However, I think we all agree that you don't have the responsibility of spanking him (BE GLAD....that part of the job is horrible.)
Also, try the book, 1-2-3 Magic. You can look it up on the web...and it was invaluable to me. We have a child with ADHD, and she's the one who prefers spanking---she is definitely strong willed...and this book was great for us.
Good luck to all....and Carmella, thanks for the insight.
MH
You seem just a trifle angry at the world---
No, I am not a step-parent, I am a step-child, a few times over, so I have every right to an opinion on this issue, I just happen to have an opinion from the other side.
As far as the comment about being intelligent, I was simply stating that I am not some back-woods freak that spanks her kids...that is one opinion on these forums is that people who "spank" just can't come up with any other way to discipline.
I apologize if my inference of your phrase "pleasant" came across as meaning "free for all". I just can't think of a place where a child "likes" being disciplined and held accountable for their actions. It's a tough world out there, and both parents are responsible for directing their children in the right way.
I agree with you totally about the book "Raising your spirited child". I, myself, have read this book. Great advice!!
Just like you, I have an opinion. It just seems to differ from yours. That's what the forum is for, right? Try not to get so incensed...just accept that everyone is different. The original poster has gotten great advice from all sides. We just need to be careful that we don't insult one another when we respond.
Hope you have a fabulous day, and I look forward to reading more from you in future posts...
MH
No, I am not a step-parent, I am a step-child, a few times over, so I have every right to an opinion on this issue, I just happen to have an opinion from the other side.
As far as the comment about being intelligent, I was simply stating that I am not some back-woods freak that spanks her kids...that is one opinion on these forums is that people who "spank" just can't come up with any other way to discipline.
I apologize if my inference of your phrase "pleasant" came across as meaning "free for all". I just can't think of a place where a child "likes" being disciplined and held accountable for their actions. It's a tough world out there, and both parents are responsible for directing their children in the right way.
I agree with you totally about the book "Raising your spirited child". I, myself, have read this book. Great advice!!
Just like you, I have an opinion. It just seems to differ from yours. That's what the forum is for, right? Try not to get so incensed...just accept that everyone is different. The original poster has gotten great advice from all sides. We just need to be careful that we don't insult one another when we respond.
Hope you have a fabulous day, and I look forward to reading more from you in future posts...
MH
Apologies. It was late last night and I was tired. I'm less able to hold my snark when I'm tired.
I am also a stepchild. IMHO, it's a far cry from being a stepmother. Two related, though completely different, situations to be in. Being a stepmother has been the most challenging role for me. It has taken me many years to finally be comfortable with it.
Also, I thought about this afterwards - given the many different temperments of children, some are way more sensitive to certain ways of discipline than others. I don't think spanking is the only way to discipline every child. I do believe it has its place, but IMO, not every child should be spanked.
I think to some kids who are most sensitive, spanking can just push them over the edge. Too much stimulous. It can escalate the undesirable behaviour which the parent is trying to curb.
Other kids can take a swat, go sit on the couch and change the subject.
I'm still kind of tired, so I hope you understand what I'm trying to say. In the book I suggested, there are several alternative methods to try, to see which is most effective for the parent and child.
Maybe the OP's boyfriend could find a different way to deal with his son's behavior. Why keep doing it if it isn't working?
I am also a stepchild. IMHO, it's a far cry from being a stepmother. Two related, though completely different, situations to be in. Being a stepmother has been the most challenging role for me. It has taken me many years to finally be comfortable with it.
Also, I thought about this afterwards - given the many different temperments of children, some are way more sensitive to certain ways of discipline than others. I don't think spanking is the only way to discipline every child. I do believe it has its place, but IMO, not every child should be spanked.
I think to some kids who are most sensitive, spanking can just push them over the edge. Too much stimulous. It can escalate the undesirable behaviour which the parent is trying to curb.
Other kids can take a swat, go sit on the couch and change the subject.
I'm still kind of tired, so I hope you understand what I'm trying to say. In the book I suggested, there are several alternative methods to try, to see which is most effective for the parent and child.
Maybe the OP's boyfriend could find a different way to deal with his son's behavior. Why keep doing it if it isn't working?
Yes, I'm still reading this and still interested in the conversation.
MaryHeather, are you a stepparent? Have you ever been in this situation? I believe if you were your point of view would be a bit different. Being a stepmother is THE TOUGHEST thing. A stepmother has almost NO SAY in ANYTHING with regards to how the child is raised. Once the stepmom starts butting in, that's when things get really crappy. I've BTDT too many times
to count.
Also, it does not matter in the least if you are an intelligent, educated woman. A good mother is a good mother. Education has nothing to do with it.
Where the heck did I say the child's visits should be an undisciplined free-for-all, with 'no rules, no discipline, no consequences'? AND, FWIW, my stepson is almost 15 and acting like a normal teenager and he STILL wants to come live with his dad, because we treat him with caring and love and respect. He is disciplined when he needs to be. He is shown love and affection freely. He can talk and be listened to. He can ask for things and be told yes or no and why or why not. He is not belittled. He is not made to feel like his opinion doesn't matter just because he is a child. And his feelings are respected here. If he's upset about a decision we have made, our response is not "You asked for it. You've been acting like a little **** all day." It is more, "I'm sorry you're upset. You were told this would happen if you did "X". Maybe tomorrow will be a better day." In serious cases, yes, his dad has spanked him a few times. They were given rarely and with a heavy heart. He's had privledges taken away that he's had to earn back. This isn't Chuck E Cheese over here.
Czylady has stated that the boy visits with them every other weekend. Why can't the 4 days a month that he spends with his father be pleasant? She has said so much in her original post that she dislikes this boy. Or, to quote, she "doesn't enjoy" the child. He's a little 7 year old boy!
Why the frig is she putting on this grand show for his 8th birthday? A birthday party that will be unforgettable. What about when he turns 9? and 10?
Czylady, are you going to have to outdo yourself every year? Are you going to be pissed when he's 13 and expects you to rent out the reception hall to hail in his teenage years? I'm sure you'll complain that he's a spoiled brat. Oh wait, I'm guessing you won't be around that long.
Put your running shoes on and RUN away from this relationship. You obviously don't want to be a mother, yet you want to Mother this child better than his own mother does, yet you 'don't enjoy' him. Very confusing.
The kid deserves better. Let him go.
Or
BUTT the frig OUT.
or
If you're really interested in working with this child, I would suggest reading the book Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. It may give you some better insights on his personality and you may understand where he's coming from better and how you can work together to make the relationship work.
You asked for advice. That's mine. Best of luck to you.
MaryHeather, are you a stepparent? Have you ever been in this situation? I believe if you were your point of view would be a bit different. Being a stepmother is THE TOUGHEST thing. A stepmother has almost NO SAY in ANYTHING with regards to how the child is raised. Once the stepmom starts butting in, that's when things get really crappy. I've BTDT too many times
to count.
Also, it does not matter in the least if you are an intelligent, educated woman. A good mother is a good mother. Education has nothing to do with it.
Where the heck did I say the child's visits should be an undisciplined free-for-all, with 'no rules, no discipline, no consequences'? AND, FWIW, my stepson is almost 15 and acting like a normal teenager and he STILL wants to come live with his dad, because we treat him with caring and love and respect. He is disciplined when he needs to be. He is shown love and affection freely. He can talk and be listened to. He can ask for things and be told yes or no and why or why not. He is not belittled. He is not made to feel like his opinion doesn't matter just because he is a child. And his feelings are respected here. If he's upset about a decision we have made, our response is not "You asked for it. You've been acting like a little **** all day." It is more, "I'm sorry you're upset. You were told this would happen if you did "X". Maybe tomorrow will be a better day." In serious cases, yes, his dad has spanked him a few times. They were given rarely and with a heavy heart. He's had privledges taken away that he's had to earn back. This isn't Chuck E Cheese over here.
Czylady has stated that the boy visits with them every other weekend. Why can't the 4 days a month that he spends with his father be pleasant? She has said so much in her original post that she dislikes this boy. Or, to quote, she "doesn't enjoy" the child. He's a little 7 year old boy!
Why the frig is she putting on this grand show for his 8th birthday? A birthday party that will be unforgettable. What about when he turns 9? and 10?
Czylady, are you going to have to outdo yourself every year? Are you going to be pissed when he's 13 and expects you to rent out the reception hall to hail in his teenage years? I'm sure you'll complain that he's a spoiled brat. Oh wait, I'm guessing you won't be around that long.
Put your running shoes on and RUN away from this relationship. You obviously don't want to be a mother, yet you want to Mother this child better than his own mother does, yet you 'don't enjoy' him. Very confusing.
The kid deserves better. Let him go.
Or
BUTT the frig OUT.
or
If you're really interested in working with this child, I would suggest reading the book Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. It may give you some better insights on his personality and you may understand where he's coming from better and how you can work together to make the relationship work.
You asked for advice. That's mine. Best of luck to you.
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