Aa
co-sleeping
My husband and I just got married 2 months ago. we have 7 children combined. His 6 year old being the youngest. we have to share a 3 bedroom home so his 6 yr old son or my 16 year old son do not have a bedroom. My son sleeps in the living room on the couch. His son, 6 years old, had always slept with him since his first divorce (3 years). We talked about his son sleeping with us before we got married and he agreed we would gradually break him from sleping with us. Every since we got married in mid January 2008, his son has slept with us (and in the middle) every night that we have had him on our weekends/spring break. I have talked to my husband about it 3 times because it really bothers me and I feel like it is causing a wall between us. He says "he is only 6 and they are only little once and he doesnt have a bedroom" I dont agree with this and need advice. His son is a very very mature 6 year old and I know he will adapt well. He doesnt sleep with his mom or her husband, so why should he sleep with us when he is at our house? I think as often as his kids are over at our house his son can sleep with one of his sisters or on the couch or make a pallet. I just don't think it is healthy in any marriage, especially a new marriage and I think his son knows this is a way he can keep his dad from giving me any attention that he thinks he should get. What should I do? I think a parents room is for parents and should be off limits to children unless they are sick or just having a really bad night. But it should never be every night.
This discussion is related to 6 yr old sleeping with parents.
This discussion is related to 6 yr old sleeping with parents.
Wow, things have gotten pretty tense here. My suggestion to the original poster is this... You certainly do need your own space, and so do your kids. There is no reason to bicker over whether or not co-sleeping is acceptable or not. Obviously, it's not working and will continue this way if nothing is done about it. There is nothing wrong with wanting to get a little alone time. Your stepson needs to transition back to his own room. Give him a night light, tuck him in and maybe stay with him for a few minutes until he falls asleep. Rub his back or tummy or something to help him wind down.
Most importantly, as hard as it may be, make your husband walk the boy back to bed when he gets up. Every time. Or you can do it, but the point is, you tuck him back in and he'll finally see that he is going to have to sleep in his own bed because getting up isn't doing any good. It's not mean, it's simply loving and firm.
I know because our 4 yr old daughter did it too, she'd come in scared or something and we got lazy and stopped getting up to put her back. She'd climb in and then eventually, we couldn't get her to sleep in her own bed at all.
Most importantly, as hard as it may be, make your husband walk the boy back to bed when he gets up. Every time. Or you can do it, but the point is, you tuck him back in and he'll finally see that he is going to have to sleep in his own bed because getting up isn't doing any good. It's not mean, it's simply loving and firm.
I know because our 4 yr old daughter did it too, she'd come in scared or something and we got lazy and stopped getting up to put her back. She'd climb in and then eventually, we couldn't get her to sleep in her own bed at all.
BabyHardiman, you seem to be taking the comments in this thread very personally. The only reason to do that would be if you felt insecure (go ahead, protest all you want). I had no idea about your personal situation when I made my comments, so they weren't directed at you. Again...how we do it works for us. I think I explained that pretty well, but you seem to have come to inaccurate conclusions about what I wrote--took a word or phrase and got defensive over it (like assuming I was calling you a dictator). Again...it's odd how you take things so personally and get so defensive. I'm glad things are working well for you the way you do it.
My comments were "generally speaking, this is what I believe" comments, not directed at you personally. My point about the king comments is that when you suddenly put your own personal needs and wants ahead of those of your children (not wanting to be married to their other parent, wanting/needing to be loved by another person of the opposite sex (even if your child doesn't like that person or want to have that person in his/her life), wanting/needing a romantic relationship that takes your time, effort, and attention (time, effort, and attention that they would have had otherwise), having them go back and forth between two homes because that's what works for you and their other parent, having them have to deal with other adult parental figures because this is how you want it, having them have to find their place with other children of other people, because this is what you chose for yourself and them, etc., etc., etc.), it changes the dynamic. Like it or not, it AFFECTS them (and usually it's not in a positive way).
FreeSpirit4Life, I had a hard time making sense of your post, but I think I got the gist of it. I think you are referring to something different than I was saying. I never said anything about being friends and not authority figures and letting your kids do what they want and rule the house and get their way all the time. For some reason, that's the conclusion to which you and BH jumped. It's not black and white, all or nothing. But, I'm glad you figured out what works for your family.
My comments were "generally speaking, this is what I believe" comments, not directed at you personally. My point about the king comments is that when you suddenly put your own personal needs and wants ahead of those of your children (not wanting to be married to their other parent, wanting/needing to be loved by another person of the opposite sex (even if your child doesn't like that person or want to have that person in his/her life), wanting/needing a romantic relationship that takes your time, effort, and attention (time, effort, and attention that they would have had otherwise), having them go back and forth between two homes because that's what works for you and their other parent, having them have to deal with other adult parental figures because this is how you want it, having them have to find their place with other children of other people, because this is what you chose for yourself and them, etc., etc., etc.), it changes the dynamic. Like it or not, it AFFECTS them (and usually it's not in a positive way).
FreeSpirit4Life, I had a hard time making sense of your post, but I think I got the gist of it. I think you are referring to something different than I was saying. I never said anything about being friends and not authority figures and letting your kids do what they want and rule the house and get their way all the time. For some reason, that's the conclusion to which you and BH jumped. It's not black and white, all or nothing. But, I'm glad you figured out what works for your family.
hink the children need to know who's boss u never would have seen kid's acting the way they do in the 50's & 60's because they new there were consiquences the way kid's are in stores and imagine them at home mine act's out don't get me wrong even in storess I just realy envy thr quality of life and unity they had in those day's now were a wasteful society that is lazy and just want's to sit around and free load this is a generalization Im not at all saying everyone is I just think if everything wasnt child abuse are kis would know how's boss were not there friends first when it comes to disiplining and them pushing the limit way to far because they think there in control
And you are assuming that we "rule" like dictators? Give me a break lady. I never said I rule like a dictator, heck, I do "rule" at all. I do not dicipline his children, and I DO NOT talk about CO-SLEEPING in front of them. I see how unhealthy it is for his daughter to lay in her bed a scream to the top of her lungs to sleep with her father. It hurts both him and I. It is situational with her. If we give her a "treat" to sleep in her bed, there are NO tears. If she has a friend over, there are NO tears to sleep in her own bed. We can't continue to reward her bad hehaviour. Would you? She will say out loud "if you give me something I want cry"... what do you suggest we do? Should we allow her to sleep with us for as long as she wants. I guess I'll just take the baby and sleep down stairs on the couch, and she can have my spot in bed, because my daugher needs me, she will be an infant and unable to feed, and change herself... and I will need my sleep in order to take care of her needs.
I totally agree with u about the relationship first because if u dont have a strong unity which is the foundation to your home then the house will sink ie your marriage will fall apart and then wher are your children another statistic stuck in the middle I have been with my hubby off and on for 11 years and we did seperate because of personal prob. and the main one who suffered was our angle people our to quick to give up these days a marriage is tuff but if u really truely love someone u will stay with them and get outside help it will make ur relationship that much stronger but what do I know im only 25 and thats my personal opinion LOL........
Oh…you were actually asking me to elaborate via your snide comments. Ok. Sure. Why not.
My kids feel secure, confident, safe, and feel like they are our priority, because they are.
My son was in our bed while he nursed and could always come into our room to sleep on the crib mattress next to our bed whenever he felt the need to do so. He would do so intermittently until he was around four years old. He has slept in his own bed, in his own room, through the night, with no problems since then and he’s going to be 12 years old in six weeks.
My daughter is 13 months old. She is nursing and sleeps in our bed most of the night (starts out in the porta-crib next to our bed). The above will go for her, too.
My kids feel very secure, bonded, and connected with us and that instills confidence.
I look at it this way: You can rule one of two ways—as a dictator or a well-loved king. Well-loved kings are loved and respected because the well-being and needs of their subjects is their top priority. If a king were to suddenly put his own wants, needs, and desires before those of his subjects, without regard to the effect this has on his subjects, he would no longer be well-loved and respected. His subjects may even revolt and attempt to overthrow him.
We choose to rule like well-loved kings. It works for us.
My kids feel secure, confident, safe, and feel like they are our priority, because they are.
My son was in our bed while he nursed and could always come into our room to sleep on the crib mattress next to our bed whenever he felt the need to do so. He would do so intermittently until he was around four years old. He has slept in his own bed, in his own room, through the night, with no problems since then and he’s going to be 12 years old in six weeks.
My daughter is 13 months old. She is nursing and sleeps in our bed most of the night (starts out in the porta-crib next to our bed). The above will go for her, too.
My kids feel very secure, bonded, and connected with us and that instills confidence.
I look at it this way: You can rule one of two ways—as a dictator or a well-loved king. Well-loved kings are loved and respected because the well-being and needs of their subjects is their top priority. If a king were to suddenly put his own wants, needs, and desires before those of his subjects, without regard to the effect this has on his subjects, he would no longer be well-loved and respected. His subjects may even revolt and attempt to overthrow him.
We choose to rule like well-loved kings. It works for us.
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