co-sleeping

[concerned_stepmom]

My husband and I just got married 2 months ago.  we have 7 children combined.  His 6 year old being the youngest.  we have to share a 3 bedroom home so his 6 yr old son or my 16 year old son do not have a bedroom.  My son sleeps in the living room on the couch.  His son, 6 years old, had always slept with him since his first divorce (3 years).  We talked about his son sleeping with us before we got married and he agreed we would gradually break him from sleping with us.  Every since we got married in mid January 2008, his son has slept with us (and in the middle) every night that we have had him on our weekends/spring break.  I have talked to my husband about it 3 times because it really bothers me and I feel like it is causing a wall between us. He says "he is only 6 and they are only little once and he doesnt have a bedroom"  I dont agree with this and need advice.  His son is a very very mature 6 year old and I know he will adapt well.  He doesnt sleep with his mom or her husband, so why should he sleep with us when he is at our house?  I think as often as his kids are over at our house his son can sleep with one of his sisters or on the couch or make a pallet.  I just don't think it is healthy in any marriage, especially a new marriage and I think his son knows this is a way he can keep his dad from giving me any attention that he thinks he should get.  What should I do?  I think a parents room is for parents and should be off limits to children unless they are sick or just having a really bad night.  But it should never be every night.


This discussion is related to 6 yr old sleeping with parents.

[Agiesmom]

You are protesting WAY too much.  No one is making it out to be evil.  Like it or not, it's rarely a picnic for the kids--whether or not millions of families choose to live this way or not.

[BabyHardiman]

By the way just to explain the numbers again:

At their moms house they have:
1 half brother who is 2 years old
1 step-brother who is 12 years old
1 step-sister who is 9 years old

At our home they have:
1 half sister who is 1 and a Half (who they do not see right now because of a custody battle between mother and father)
1 half sister who will be with us very shortly

The step-parents did not create this life for these kids.. if anything we come along to try to create balance and give more love to kids of broken homes.  I did not break up my Fiancee and his ex-wife, they were divorced long before I came along.  I am sick of people trying to make step-parents out to be evil good for nothings.

[BabyHardiman]

And if I read one more post that says the kids must come first I swear I am going to pull my hair out.  THE KIDS ALWAYS COME FIRST IN OUR HOME!!  But for goodness sake does NO ONE agree that they should have THEIR OWN space and the adults have theirs??  I am living my life for these kids and their father. We do EVERYTHING in our power.. and we DO A DAMNED good job of creating a stable environment for them.  I DO NOT practice any rituals that their mother performs with them.  They do not and will never call me "mommy".  I do not dicipline them, unless it's a time out when their father is not around and they do things to harm each other.. which happens rather frequently, lets not forget they ARE KIDS.  These kids know we are getting married.  Between them they have 1 half brother, 2 half sisters, 1 step brother and 1 step sister, then there is the two of them.  While the number is large, the competition is small.  Everyone is treated equally in our home.  You can try to make it out like we live in a zoo, but you are sadly mistaken.  There are millions of families who live this way.  It seems to me that you are trying to make the blended family out to be some evil immoral complicated mess.

[BabyHardiman]

I'm assuming you live in a blended family.  I DO have a child on the way and SHE NEEDS to fit in there somewhere.  We do NOT struggle for attention.. most of the time I am off in the background cooking, and cleaning up after all of them.. because they most certainly do not clean up after themselves.  We do not have a "pecking order".  I have read MANY books on blended families and STILL THE MAJORITY SAY that the PARENTS MUST put their relationship FIRST.  DO NOT make my relationship out to look "dirty", please!!

[RockRose]

BabyHardimon,  this maxim of the adults run the house and the kids follow the adult's wishes only works if there is a stable,  intact married family with their own kids.

It falls completely apart - and is no longer appropriate when there are live in girlfriends,  and children parented by multiple bio parents and the children come and go and the live in girlfriends and boyfriends come and go - at that point,  the adults no longer are in the position to make the rules and the children must abide.

Here's why.  In a stable married family with bio kids,  the decisions are most typically made in favor of the kids.  THe kids come first in the hearts,  although sometimes they don't feel that way.  Their best interest is first in both the man and woman head of household.

This isn't true when marriages fall apart and new girlfriends come in and out and new babies come.  THEN,  it becomes a struggle for who gets the man's attention - will it be you,  or will it be his children?  There is no longer the set up that both of you are standing together trying to create a better life for the kids at sacrifice to your own comfort.  At this point,  it's every man for himself to get the most goodies and the most attention and be higher in the pecking order.

In cases of blended families,  and unmarried new spouses the priority has to be reversed - and the kid's wishes have to take priority over the new live in lovers.  To make it so the kids ever get enough of what they need.   And that doesn't mean  more fluffy pillows.

[BabyHardiman]

Oh, well, I thought maybe you could clarify what you wrote.  You seem to think that she is so insensitive and selfish for wanting alone time with her husband.

"I've always believed that kids should come first--despite the adults' wants, needs, desires, etc.  But many people post here complaining about their step-children and how the child/children are making their lives unbearable."

I don't recall anyone saying that the children make their lives "unbearable"... this was mainly pointed at step-parents, which mind you, does not make us any less of an authority figures or decision makers in OUR OWN homes.