How to handling gf with depression

[michael852]

Hey I could use some insight on this.My gf of 3 and ahalf years is suffering from clinical or major depression(i do not know which) but I m curious why do people that are suffering  from depression push others away?

is this a defense thing or what? can you salvage a relationship after or during depression?
insight would be liked.

[Anneinside]

Clinical depression and major depression are the same thing. The proper term is Major Depressive Disorder but psychiatrists will understand Clinical Depression too.  Why do they push people away. For me, it just takes too much energy to interact. All I want is to be alone and just sit or lay there doing nothing. Some people do it because they don't feel worthy.

The best thing you can do is let her know you are there for her without pushing her. Call her just to say hello, a few happy things and  I hope you are feeling better. If she says she doesn't feel better, you may ask if she wants to talk about it. If not, don't take offense, she may not even be able to express how she feels.

[michael852]

Thank you. I am trying to find the right balance of support and not being smothering.The thing that also makes this hard on me and I am sure on her is that this has turned into a long distance relationship ugh. My biggest fear is and i ve heard this from a lot of ppl that had bouts of major depression is that once she gets out of it do not be surprised if she leaves you for a new guy bc your no longer the new flavor of the month.

[depressed13]

i have major depression and i tend to push people away. give her some time to push this thing away

[michael852]

I am giving her space,it seems like her depression has gotten worse,my hands feel so tied

[4Maddie44]

Yes, people with depression do not want to interact with other people, even those they love.  It is the illness, and if your girl friend does get over this episode, I am sure she will still want to see you.

Give her space and time, if you can.  Don't pressure her.  I have never heard of people giving up on a loved one after they get better.  Depression may take away feelings, but deep down, we know who is there for us, and gives us support.

I am so sorry Michael, but depression does take away all feeling.  It will come back if she is getting the right medical support and taking anti-depressants.  Please don't give up on her.  I can see how much you care, and I am sure she does too.

[michael852]

I m not giving up but the depression is giving me every right to give up or want to. A conclusion or some insight hit me today.As of about 2 or 3 days ago I sent a friend of hers a txt msg that I was going to send my gf later that day,I wanted her opinion on it bc she sees and hears from her more then I do( her friend told me she did not seem depressed) but from all the research I ve done into depression ppl with it has an ability to hide it from ppl( I second that bc she seems like to twp  different ppl)So anyway after I sent it to gf I got no response at all but i was expecting that,I ll be honest it kinda hurt''but oh well.

Later like 3 days she sent me a msg saying do not talk to my frineds,they ll tell me everything yad yada ,even if the intent is good.I held my tongue bc I know lashing out is not going to help(I wanted to say if I could talk to you about this,I so would but I hear no sort of response from you so i m going to ask the ppl that are close to you) AND later in that msg she stated something about how her friends have never seen her in a relationship b4 so she can not get advice from them,but she she wanted to get back together after we broke up(dumb reasons for breaking up)

Do you think I need to take myself out of the picture to help her recover? I care for her that much.

[armira]

oh God im in the same situation with my fiance.im in depression and its the same way i push him away,its not that i don't love him,but i don't want him to suffer for my fault,i think that no one can love a person in same way when he gets mad or depressed or something else with mental problems,maybe ur gf think this way too:S so its the best way to help and  support her because i know exactly how does she feel :(

[michael852]

I guess the only thing I can do is read the book by Anne Sheffeld and wait it out

[nursegirl6572]

You already know my feeling on the situation....we talked about it on your other thread.

For one, you have along distance relationship, which already puts strain on the relationship.  Two...even though she might be going through a rough time, a relationship is about give and take.  You're giving giving giving...and getting nothing in return.  I've been depressed before and have isolated myself, but your GF completely ignoring your texts is uncalled for.  Seems funny, she can text you to tell you to not contact her friends, but when you send her a supportive message, all you hear is crickets chirping.

I stand by the advice I gave you on your other thread.  Write her a brief letter, explaining that you are still there for her, that you support her, but as a FRIEND.  I understand that you want to stand by her, but you also have to think about yourself...you have your own issues you are dealing with...adding this gf situation to the mix is not healthy.  I think it's time to reevaluate the relationship for you and perhaps move on.

Also, I find of find it suspicious that her friends are telling you she is fine.  Maybe she is?  It wouldn't be the first time I've seen or heard about someone using a mental illness as an excuse to either behave badly, or as a way out of a relationship they may not have the guts to end the right way.  Unfortunately, you'll never really know what the real deal is with her.

I think it's admirable that you've stuck by her as long as you have.  There's nothing wrong with putting yourself first and moving on, at least romantically.  Even if she is truly in a bad place, it doesn't give her the right to treat you like garbage, which, in my opinion, is exactly what she is doing.

I wish I had better advice for you, but I really don't.  I'm also not trying to be harsh or make you feel bad.  There is just no easy way to sugar coat things that are pretty hard to swallow.

[brice1967]

Major Depression Disorder/Clinically Depressed was my diagnosis, and I did the same thing to my wife as your gf is doing to you.

For me, isolation was where I felt most comfortable.  Obviously, I needed help, but alone and isolated was where I felt most comfortable.  It was something that I "could" control when everything else seemed out of control.  In reality, my life was wound pretty tight.  (Think optimism and pessimism.)  

Of course we had the regular life issues.... mortgage, car payments, power, phone, water... blah blah blah.  That's what I would look at and top it off with every self perceived short coming.  Eventually I would end up with a fine "stew of sux".  When depressed, everything sukked.  This could go for hours, days, weeks even.

I personally believe it's about control.  Like hoarders hoard, because they can control their stash... I went to this alone place because I could control what went on there.... its pitiful.  

Is she getting professional help?

[michael852]

No she is not getting help at all. yea NG is right I m going to end it with her right now actually

[michael852]

Now i am trying to figure out away how to write the letter.

[nursegirl6572]

Like I said...be brief.  Don't go into any past issues, memories or feelings...don't point fingers at either of you.  

Something like:

Dear Girlfriend:

I am writing this letter to let you know that I have made a decision to move on from our romantic relationship.  I feel it would be the best thing for both of us, for many reasons.

I want you to know that I still care about you and sincerely hope you get the help you need to move past your depression.  I am going to work on my own issues as well, to become healthier and happier.  I'm still here for you as a friend, to support you getting well and I wish you nothing but success and happiness in your life.

Love,

Michael

[michael852]

Well I just ended it9she was very sad) the crying the whole nine yards,so yeah

[armira]

oh no.this gonna be a heavy blow for her :S at first be  sure she loves you,if she dosn't okay write that letter but if she loves you ,why you just cant stand near her and give her strength to continoue with her life which i think its a hell.do you want her to end up her life:S??if you can not be her reason for living,than don't be her friend too.take care

[michael852]

well I really told her to get some help and get through with,I can only stand so much and give so much,before I become of no use. I also told her when she gets through this,i ll be all open ears to hear and see what she has to say and if she and I can make a re connection,I m not putting any hope in that ar the moment

[nursegirl6572]

I could not disagree more!!!  For one, NO ONE should be another's reason for living and we are not responsible for other people's actions.  Your post basically insinuates that if his gf commits suicide, it's michael's fault.  Baloney.  

We can support our loved ones through a rough time, but we cannot be their reason for living...that couldn't be more unhealthy.  Which, isn't the case here anyway, because if he was her reason for living, she would have contacted him more than two times in several months.  You can NEVER EVER blame another person for a suicide.  Never.  That's a decision a person makes for themselves.

Find out if she loves him?  That's just the problem, she doesn't communicate with him...at ALL, until he asks her friends about her, in which case she contacts him and gets mad.  He's been unwaivering in his support, sending loving text messages, with no response...for months.  He has to think of himself too.  He's also been in a fragile state of mind, and this situation is not good for him.

Also, we don't what her level of "hell" is...her friends seem to think she is fine.  That's another problem.  They are in different states, with virtually no contact.  How can he even properly assess what is going on?  He can't.

He can still absolutely positively be supportive of her....as her friend, which is what he plans to do.  To end the relationship was something he needed to do in order for HIM to be able to be in a better place in his own life.  It's wonderful to help someone and stand by them...but NOT at the price of losing oneself.

[nursegirl6572]

Good for you, Michael.  I'm sure it wasn't easy...but really, you've done all you can.  You can't force someone to get the help they need.  I hope she does reach out to a professional.  Nothing that is happening to her is on you...remember that.  All you did is love her and support her, you needed to think of yourself for a change.

I'm wishing and hoping that once she gets better, the two of you can reconnect on some level.  If not romantically, then at least as good friends.  She knows you care and support her.  

[armira]

maybe your gf doesn't want to be weak in front of you,or i don't know...try to take her in quite and relax places, tell her that you love her and she means  a lot to you,make her return in self-confidence, just help her return in normal life step by step

[brice1967]

Oooh yeah, being "someones reason to live" screams dysfunction, dependency, and about 100 other things.  I agree with nursegirl...

[michael852]

She just called me back(crying and all)saying that yea she is messed up and she was sorry for dragging through this and how unfair it is to me. She told me she is going to try to get help and that she really loved the supprot(she really beat herself up basically) after she gets better she hopes that i can forgive her and see what happens and I know shes not the suicidal sort

[brice1967]

Michael, I think you made the right move.  If she isn't getting help, she needs to.  I liken depression to dependency/addiction.  The depressed will only get help when they "hit bottom".  It's sad, but until then, there is little you can do.... as you well know now.

Maybe this is her bottom... maybe she uses this as a motivational factor to find herself some help, but SHE has to do this.  You cannot be everything she wants you to be.  Impossible....  

It sounds like she has a few issues and a professional can help her with all of that.  You deserve the right to have/lead a normal life, and you need to be able to address any issues that you need to deal with.  You deserve a bit of normalcy, don't you?

You cannot hold yourself responsible for anything that happens from this point forward.  You played your cards, and she needs to get a handle on things.  I just wonder what 'being a friend" for her right now might do?  Will it complicate things?  Will she try to "guilt trip" you into something?  Who knows....

Again, I think you did the right thing.

[armira]

at first im sorry for my bad english,i'm not blaming him for her suicide,but just if she has no one to support her,separation can be very big blow for her.i didn't knew that they are in other states and they didn't talk for months,it's their problem,but in case with a depressed person,her loved one should be very careful because its so easy to leave her in the most difficult days of her life.i think she need a hand to take her up,not to push down more and more till she'll get enough

[michael852]

Thank you,i m going to be supportive. The thing that hit me the most when this MD hit her was in the past 3.5 yrs i ve known her I never saw it( int eh convo we had she told me that she had mini bouts but hid them)if thats true she did a great job of it.She told me her last major bout of it was right before we met,so i was in the dark.She told me she had MD but I did not think anything of it at the time bc come on who isnt depressed someitmes,I thought she was being dramatic.As Anne Shellfeld put I am suffering from depression fallout