Please help

[Tanni_B]

Hi everyone, I've been with my boyfriend now for about a year and 2 months. During this time, he's been really depressed. He's told me countless times that he doesn't feel valued by his family, i feel this is because he used to be the baby of the family and his sister has had 2 children and his brother has just had a baby girl. His mother doesn't show him any attention anymore and puts all her energies into talking about the grandchildren all the time. She's even asked us when are we having children which is putting a bit of pressure on us, I'm 18 going to be 19 in March and he is 19 going to be 20 in march if that helps. He's quite independant to an extent, his mother hasn't taught him basic things such as cooking a simple meal or the ironing. When he does ask her for help she doesn't help her which puts some stress on me beacuse I have to help him, not just have to I want to.He keeps looking up things on the internet for example how to tell if your girlfriend loves you and how to handle suicide. I hada  feeling he was feeling unhappy so I've asked him so many times if there's anything he wants to tell me and he insists he's fine and doesn't want to tell me anything. Then one day I when I was staying at his house, I came into his room and he clicked off the webpage as I came in, and I asked him what he was looking at and he said oh its nothing. Later that day he done it again, so things started coming into my head, so when he went to the toilet, I looked on his history the tings I saw I couldn't believe my eyes. Ways to kill yourself, why am I not happy? How to hide feelings of depression and quizes of all sorts. I then went on the NHS website and looked for help, I found a number called the samaritans and he phoned them over new years and spoke for about an hour, I thought the problem was gone from what he said, everything was fine. Then he started clicking off the webpages again. This time I found more disturbing things, I want to help him I really do. I just don't know how we've tried talking I'm thinking of counsilling but his mum says he doen't need it, she doesn't know the things I've seen on his computer. He doen't really like talking about his feelings I don't pressure him or anything I tell him to tell me at his own time and if he needs space to think I'll go out for a bit for him. He'd rather look at the internet for advice, I've told him not to because not everything on here is real, if anything it makes things worse.He says that he's not happy at home and I'm currently looking for a flat for myself, he says he wants to live with me he's more than welcome, his mum says he shouldn't move in with me and she slags me off behind my back, he tells me what she says about me and its quite hurtful that she smiles in my face but says these things about me.I just don't know what to do anymore, I'm desperate for an answer because I don't want to see him hurting anymore, I want him to be happy. If it helps I'm Black Jamaican British and he is White British.

[Tanni_B]

He said he stopped going early 2011 he can't remember when he first started going though. The reason why he stopped going was because his mum said he doesn't need counselling anymore. We're planning on going very soon we just need to get the counseller details.

[birdie0907]

How long did he see the counselor and when did he stop going?
Suicide is serious stuff and it is possible he is/was holding back from the counselor, so if you can get him to go back you should update the counselor in advance.
Some people just go to a counselor to get other people to leave them alone, so don't be shocked if there was some of that going on. I am not saying there was, just warning you.

[Tanni_B]

He's also beein having a lot of nightmares and has told me that he feels like crap and his body is aching when he wakes up, he said he feels like he's been in battle all night and doesn't like waking up. My older sister used to study psycology (if that's spelt correctly) and she told me that clinically depressed people usually wake up feeling like that, and that I should deffo get him help sooner rather than later. He has a counsiller and they said to him he's more than welcome to come back at anytime, as he has very mild autism and learning difficulties I think that is the main reason why he is depressed. He's always telling me how he feels really stupid because his mum always reminds him he has work on a Tuesday and not to be late, it annoys him and he tells her he knows but she doesn't seem to back off. I tell him he isn't stupid because he's not, he's really smart, it's just that I think him mum plays a big part in this. Maybe I'm in there somewhere but from what I can see and what he tells me, he really does need help. I'm not trying to badmouth his mum because she is a nice person, it's just he needs s a lot more independance than she gives him.

[Tanni_B]

Thank you again for your help everyone. I would feel beyond devistated if he did take his own life, he tried it before and I was so shocked and scared that I slapped him in the face and told him to never do that again. I felt bad for doing it but I was so scared, I explained to him why I slapped him because he was scared. I told him that I loved him and didn't want him to take his life and told him that everyone would miss him and he can tell me what's wrong in his own time, that I rush him to tell me. Things a a bit better because he's not as bad as he was before, although now he says he's fine and still doesn't want to tell me sometimes but I always tell him tell me in his own time. Maybe that's why he doesn't want to tell me, I said to him if I feel theres something really bugging him because I can always tell That's the only time I'll tell him to tell me straight away. Maybe I'm being too soft on him?

[sara12345]

I hear you saying that your boyfriend doesn't want to admit to or talk about his feelings.  And that he says everything is fine.  You need to be frank with him.  Tell him that you have seen his websites looking for ways to kill himself and that you are very worried about him.  His depression is certainly severe and he needs medication.  Let him know that he needs medication to help his depression and that it will help him.  Counseling would also be helpful at this time.  If he doesn't have the money for these services, then you will have to appeal to his parents to try to get the financial help.  Don't ignore this.  Don't give in to him not wanting to talk about it.  His life is at stake.  How will you all feel if he does commit suicide?  I know that this puts you in a very difficult situation, but that's the situation that you are in.  Good luck to you.

[birdie0907]

It is nice that you are trying to help him through his depressive feelings but it seems his mother is a big part of his lifestyle so he might not be mature enough to resolve his problems without her. Her hinting that you should be having kids when you aren't even married is overbearing, since you claim she also plays both sides of the fence by gossiping behind your back.

That sounds like a big problem to me, mixing a domineering parent of a 20 year old at risk of suicide into a family counselling situation, so I would recommend a professional counsellor instead to get him to unwind his feelings with. Suicidal thoughts are NOT normal, so it may be beyond your ability to resolve this problem that he has, and he does have a problem that won't likely go away. If he does suicide everyone feels it for the rest of their lives, so an outside intervention performed soon may be necessary.

Write back.

[Tanni_B]

Thanks to both of you for your advice, we are trying to find ways to get throught this and you have both made some great points. As for getting married, i can safely say that hasn't poped into our minds not at the moment anyway, we do love eachother very much and will do anything to stop him from feeling like this.

[Life360_Dave]

Hi Tanni and sorry your going through this. Its must be very frustrating wanting to help him and not knowing how. I would definatly get this out in the open and talk to his mum about what you found on the websites. Very important to get her involved. He looks up to her and wants recognition from her so i would be begin there. If this doesnt work, it might be a good idea if he moves in with you so you can be more close with him.
If the 2 of you love eachother, i would step up your relationship him and talk of getting married where his life will be more taking care of you and planning your futures together. Married couples can become best friends as you form a bond with this commitment. I think the more he is around his mum the more frustrated he will become. He needs his indepentence.
dave