Again..losing Erection

Hi,

I got recently married, whenever I try to have sex with my wife I just lose my erection - though it is very hard and demanding during cuddling and kissing but when the time comes to penetrates it just fails me and after that I lose the interest in sex!

Now I'm so stressed and dont know what to do, is there any medication for that and how much normal is that among guys?

I'm 30 years old with good helath who sports regualrly and prior my marriage I used to be turned on very easy...!

Please help

[Janice M Epp, PhD]

Hello.

First, stop thinking that good sex is all about your erection and whether your experience is “normal.” There’s no such thing as “normal” when it comes to sex. Everyone is different. Holding these ideas puts way too much pressure on you. Once you begin to worry, it becomes a vicious circle: you worry, so your erection goes down, and then you notice it, and you worry some more, etc. Pretty soon your penis stops cooperating altogether.

Men receive so many messages that sex is about “performance” and pleasing a partner, rather than just enjoying the pleasure of it. Everything is goal-oriented—like a football game. High-achieving or very anxious men may have a particularly difficult time of letting go of a goal and just enjoying themselves. The other message that many men—and women—receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure. This is more common among people who have been raised in a strict, pleasure-negative religious or philosophical orthodoxy.

Do you have any sense of what is bothering you? What are you thinking about during sex? Perhaps it’s difficult for you to think of your wife as a sexual person and that’s getting in the way? What are the conditions like when you’re being sexual? Do you have enough privacy? Are you both relaxed and happy? If not, these can contribute to your discomfort.

There are various other possible psychological/emotional factors too numerous to detail here. These include fear of intimacy, fear of women or negative feelings about them, unresolved anger, feeling conflicted about marriage, etc.

You may have negative attitudes about sex in general, you may have performance issues or you may have conflicts about marriage or women in general. Either way, it’s easy to get trapped in a cycle of trying too hard, which, in turn, just leads to more stress and anxiety. And you know what? It’s not that uncommon, and it’s not that hard to change. Take a deep breath, relax and examine these issues and see if any fit for you. Something is getting in the way of your pleasure, and you’ll need to do some serious thinking to figure out what it is.

For more information about erection issues, attitude, etc., I highly recommend the book “The New Male Sexuality” by Bernie Zilbergeld, Ph.D. It’s widely available online, both used and in paperback and is an invaluable resource.

In any new relationship, it takes time to relax with each other and learn about your body and its responses. But anything worthwhile takes a little time and practice, no? Talk with your wife and tell her you’d like to slow down and learn about each others’ bodies and responses together, and then you two can discover just what it is that arouses you. You have a chance to take a wonderful journey of discovery with each other which will not only be educational but lots of fun. Best of luck to you. Dr. J