ED

I am a 20 year old college student with a few questions.. I have had sex ALOT throughout my lifespan, always with condoms of course. Lately I haven't been able to get hard as easily, with a girl naked on my bed, or during masturbation. I don't know if this is normal, or if because of the amount of sex, i'm slowly getting ED. (I dont take any drugs, nor do i drink very often) Any advice?

[Janice M Epp, PhD]

First, let's not use the term "ED" because it's meaningless. Your penis isn't broken, it's just sensitive--like the rest of you.

Welcome to your 20’s! Erections go up and down. You’ll find this happening all your life. It doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy sex, but you have to let go of such a narrow definition of what constitutes “good.”

Much of your problem is due to your attitude. Once you experienced not getting hard as easily, you started feeling anxious and judging yourself, which can be a vicious circle. The more you worry about erections, the more your penis won’t cooperate. In fact, it can be downright rebellious!

If you buy into a performance standard that erections have to be a certain way, then when your erection goes down even a tiny bit, you'll worry that there's something wrong with you. Where does this come from?

Men receive so many messages that sex is about “performance” and pleasing a partner, rather than just enjoying the pleasure of it. Everything is goal-oriented—like a football game. The other message that many men receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure. Ask yourself whether you have any conflicts about being sexual—any old messages that might be lurking in your subconscious.

For more information about erection issues, attitude, etc., I highly recommend the book “The New Male Sexuality” by Bernie Zilbergeld, Ph.D. It’s widely available in paperback and is an invaluable resource.

Relax, stop putting pressure on yourself and enjoy sex for what it is: pleasure. Give yourself permission to enjoy whatever happens—and find partners who aren’t hung up on performances issues either. Best of luck to you. Dr. J