Aa
Anguish
I cannot possibly understand or explain my state of mind when I took such a massive risk. I felt sick immediately afterward. I have an awesome family with a very young child and a great expat job in a country where they frown upon STDs. Great health and life insurance that will be void should I contract one. Nevertheless, it's done and I can't take it back. I know there are no guarantees except to test, but at least sites like this are somehow giving me comfort (while others cause extreme fear and anxiety). The only thing I can do now is try to find some way to talk about it otherwise I think I'll go insane. I'm already not sleeping or eating (much) and focusing at work is proving to be very difficult.
About 6 1/2 weeks ago I had an episode of protected oral sex with a CSW in Shanghai. I also inserted my finger into her vagina. After the Oral she placed my penis, with the condom still on, between her breasts and began to masturbate me with her breasts. There may have been addition oral after this for a little bit. Then she removed the condom, lubricated my penis with oil and began masturbatiung me with her breasts again. I ejaculated on her chest. I don't know the integrity of the condom and it's possible that she had some saliva on her chest after removing it. I suppose the finger in the vagina is also a significant risk. This seems so surreal to discuss, but I have to go somewhere and I've seen similar stories here. Approximately 10 days after the incident, I had some diahrea and then a week later came down with a pretty good respiratory infection while I was travelling home to visit my family. It's possible I exposed them. I was given a Z pac and this seemed to clear up in about a week. At the time I was in complete denial about what I had done and very sadly it didn't occur to me until I returned to China to be worried. I've had no symptoms since. However, I have read that the above is consistent with HIV infection.
I am a scum bag of the highest proportion and the guilt I feel with the knowledge that I may have not just ruined my life, but my family's. This weekend will be 7 weeks. My family is making plans to come here next month. It's a horrible situation and I still don't understand why I would do something like this.. I'm not sure I can take another week of waiting. If I get tested at 7 weeks, how confident would you be that it would be conclusive.
About 6 1/2 weeks ago I had an episode of protected oral sex with a CSW in Shanghai. I also inserted my finger into her vagina. After the Oral she placed my penis, with the condom still on, between her breasts and began to masturbate me with her breasts. There may have been addition oral after this for a little bit. Then she removed the condom, lubricated my penis with oil and began masturbatiung me with her breasts again. I ejaculated on her chest. I don't know the integrity of the condom and it's possible that she had some saliva on her chest after removing it. I suppose the finger in the vagina is also a significant risk. This seems so surreal to discuss, but I have to go somewhere and I've seen similar stories here. Approximately 10 days after the incident, I had some diahrea and then a week later came down with a pretty good respiratory infection while I was travelling home to visit my family. It's possible I exposed them. I was given a Z pac and this seemed to clear up in about a week. At the time I was in complete denial about what I had done and very sadly it didn't occur to me until I returned to China to be worried. I've had no symptoms since. However, I have read that the above is consistent with HIV infection.
I am a scum bag of the highest proportion and the guilt I feel with the knowledge that I may have not just ruined my life, but my family's. This weekend will be 7 weeks. My family is making plans to come here next month. It's a horrible situation and I still don't understand why I would do something like this.. I'm not sure I can take another week of waiting. If I get tested at 7 weeks, how confident would you be that it would be conclusive.
Getitright77 you brought me to uncontrollable tears. That hasn't happened in a long time Thanks for the comments and not judging my obviously terrible decision. Where do you guys get all of your info? Do you liase with the Drs. on the site? It's very helpful and has at least allowed my to get my emotions under control for the moment. I've also taken the time to read some of the other posts that have helped with my anxiety and guilt. I've been able to semi-function at work today.
Clearly its the guilt thats consuming you.Hiv is never diagnosed on the basis of symptoms alone.You never had a risk from the situaton you described.You can stop stressing.You made a mistake learn from it.You obviously love your family,focus on them.All the best.
Hey Lost, I know you have already gotten an answer, but I wanted to help contribute as well, due to your situation.
Yes, your symptoms may match up with HIV infection, but however, little details such as the amount of time your symptoms last and the specifics of the severity are left out. This leaves a person with not enough information, and they automatically generate an idea from the information they are given, but this idea is most likely invalid.
Also, you won't infect anyone with HIV just by being around them. STDs do come with a great amount of stigma no matter where you live, and it's important to not let that stigma control your emotions.
I suggest you read the link I post below. It might help your current situation.
http://www.medhelp.org/user_journals/show/233235/Googlechondria-Cyberchondria
Yes, your symptoms may match up with HIV infection, but however, little details such as the amount of time your symptoms last and the specifics of the severity are left out. This leaves a person with not enough information, and they automatically generate an idea from the information they are given, but this idea is most likely invalid.
Also, you won't infect anyone with HIV just by being around them. STDs do come with a great amount of stigma no matter where you live, and it's important to not let that stigma control your emotions.
I suggest you read the link I post below. It might help your current situation.
http://www.medhelp.org/user_journals/show/233235/Googlechondria-Cyberchondria
Thanks Lizzie for your comments. I read your profile and it made me appreciate them even more. I have to say they have improved my spirits a bit. I'm still suffering from shock that I would do something so monumentally stupid and at such a pivotal moment in my career and family life. Like I said I went immediately into denial and shock that I was capable of it. I wash my hands 20 times per day at work and drink and brush my teeth with only bottled water. I yell at my assistants for coughing with their mouth uncovered. I guess I just broke down for a few fleeting moments and lost control. I will be questioning this for the rest of my life even if I am negative. I realize this is not a place for a psychological evaluation, but sorry it helps to talk about it.
You seem very confident in your words which I can appreciate. I guess I still have some questions. During the past week and a half, since my "awakening" to what I had done and realization that I had potentialliy had symptoms of infection; I have scoured the internet reading studies and reports. I wasn't sure what else to do without being able to sleep or eat. Many of the studies indicate that there can be high viral load of HIV in Saliva and that the rate of load decreases over time outside of the body, but not immediately. There are also studies that show that siliva has inhibitors to HIV but there are many factors involved in how effective they can be. Of course the common thread is also that infected people are of particular risk if there is blood along with poor oral hygeine (which doesn't exist in China). I guess what scares me is how closely to the incident I got sick. OK there are many other things that could have happened, it's China, but still deeply troubling. Can you or any Dr. comment on these studies? I guess I'm not going to get a guarantee stamped on a box, but at least the discussion helps to keep my mind from completely failing me.
You seem very confident in your words which I can appreciate. I guess I still have some questions. During the past week and a half, since my "awakening" to what I had done and realization that I had potentialliy had symptoms of infection; I have scoured the internet reading studies and reports. I wasn't sure what else to do without being able to sleep or eat. Many of the studies indicate that there can be high viral load of HIV in Saliva and that the rate of load decreases over time outside of the body, but not immediately. There are also studies that show that siliva has inhibitors to HIV but there are many factors involved in how effective they can be. Of course the common thread is also that infected people are of particular risk if there is blood along with poor oral hygeine (which doesn't exist in China). I guess what scares me is how closely to the incident I got sick. OK there are many other things that could have happened, it's China, but still deeply troubling. Can you or any Dr. comment on these studies? I guess I'm not going to get a guarantee stamped on a box, but at least the discussion helps to keep my mind from completely failing me.
NOTHING that you have described put you at risk for contracting hiv.
hiv is transmitted through...
unprotected vaginal / anal intercourse
sharing iv drug works
mother to child
sexually speaking...transmission takes place INSIDE the body, when a penis is INSIDE a vagina / anus.
you do NOT need testing !
hiv is transmitted through...
unprotected vaginal / anal intercourse
sharing iv drug works
mother to child
sexually speaking...transmission takes place INSIDE the body, when a penis is INSIDE a vagina / anus.
you do NOT need testing !
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the HIV Prevention Community
Condoms are the most effective way to prevent HIV and STDs.
PrEP is used by people with high risk to prevent HIV infection.
Can I get HIV from surfaces, like toilet seats?
Can you get HIV from casual contact, like hugging?
Frequency of HIV testing depends on your risk.
Post-exposure prophylaxis (PEP) may help prevent HIV infection.
