This is my second time on tx. Last time was miserable and didn't work. 10 years later I'm half way through and the depression, fear, hopelessness and down right meanness is driving me crazy and alienating my friends and family. Same as last time but worse. Last night I was HORRIBLE to my best friend for no reason but couldn't stop myself. Many nights when I'm at home alone I sit in the dark wondering if it's even worth it. I'll be cured but have no one that means anything left in my life. I'm on AD and have all the other typical side effects. I try to put on a good game face but it's tough. I hate myself for some of the things I say to people and the dlackness is so random. I do feel like I'm losing my mind.
First time on this blog or trying something like this but I'm scared and now alienated most of my friends and I don't blame them.
Btw- I'm normally a decent guy. Thank you
Yeah, the meds did the same thing to me. But I was at my worst from week 6~20 weeks, when I suered from hemolytic anemia, with a HGB of 9.1.
In fact, I was SO crazy on this stuff, I am afraid to go back and read my old posts, etc. I was totally "out there", but made a come-back. Hang in there, but really try to control yourself as much as you can. What I had to do is just hang-out by myself, on the computer, when I was being so anti-social.
I am still pretty crazy, and I have been of the Triple Treatment for a week now, I finished. But I had a melt-down or "riba-rage" while crossing the street yesterday, when the cars wouldn't stop for me (I was with my kid, walking our bikes)
The Ribaviran takes a long time to leave the system, and when I lose my temper, my yelling is SO LOUD, I could never yell that loud before this Treatment, yikes.
I really tried hard not to lose my temper, as the yelling gave me such a sore/raw throat. But I could tell when the rages were due to come, I would get into a dark mood, and my instinct would be to get home quickly.
I spent most of my Treatment, by myself, eating, so the riba wouldn't upset my stomach. You can do it, just remember to take it One Day at a Time
I have sat in the dark wondering if this is worth it too. Mostly wondering if this will work though. I used to think 'Riba Rage' was bunk and people just didn't want to take responsibility for acting badly. Boy oh boy have I eaten my words since than. I have had two similar ...attacks? Outbursts? And I still can't even believe that was me. It is so physical and real at the time. And the thing is, in one instance the issue honestly was not even a big deal. I mean it wasn't even something you could prove or one person could be right - that is what made my behaviour seem (and feel) all the more exaggerated.
Like you I am still marveling over it. But I know I have to make things right and maybe go off and be alone when that feeling comes on (whatever That "feeling" is). I'm on AD as well and for the most part it seems to be working.
I hope you have the chance to explain how the meds can make us feel sometimes. These meds are harsh and this whole treatment thing has turned our lives upside down. We know what needs to be done and so much falls by the wayside. The stress can build up if you let it. I am sure you are a very decent guy
Thank you very much for sharing. I really have avoided doing to a blog to get help. I keep thinking I'm making more of this than I should be and I work in the public eye so " game face" is important. And honestly people don't want to hear " it's the meds" and sometimes I don't know what's real or not. I really appreciate your support and know it will be worth it. Even if I have to move out of the country when I'm done. Lol. Be well
Thank you for your thoughtful comments. Lately I don't even think my dog likes me. He looks at me and works away. It will all be worth it. You're right, more alone time, serenity prayer and solitar. Be well and best wishes
hang in there....i could have never related to these feeling without going through tx...and i was on 150 zoloft throughout tx!.....i did however tell all the folks close to me before tx that i might not be myself...the best thing i think i can try to equate it to is an emotional menstrual cycle...snappy...breaking down...all over the place...at least here folks know what your talking about....good luck.....billy
Tell your mind it is not real. You have not lost your friends; some people just don't know what to do so it looks like they are indifferent. And you are correct..people can't truly understand unless they have experienced it. The first go round for me, my family dismissed me...my son who was 16, just hid in his room. He would ask me to help him move his drums, things like that..I would go on and on and nobody understood..this time it is much better..in fact, my brother went through treatment with me...don't be hard on yourself...this is difficult enough...tell your mind it is not real!!!!!!
...the best thing i think i can try to equate it to is an emotional menstrual cycle...snappy...breaking down......at least here folks know what your talking about....good luck.....billy
billy,,,,I really am not sure how these menstural cycles go.......
capefig: Good luck the reat of the way and welcome..
Well...if it makes you feel any better, my Doctor
has observed that her dogs shy away from her patients, when they are on these Treatment chemicals.
I have noticed my cat is more friendly now that
I'm thru~ When the meds first came on, I even yelled at my devoted Chihuahu....which is direct proof of the mood swings that these meds produce.
Once I could recognize that I was going into an
emotional melt-down (which tended to occur if I over-extended myself, like for instance, the night I went out at night, to see my sons' play), I then made a "warning phrase" to say, to let my sons know I was starting to go down.
The code phrase I used, to warn them, was "Riba-Rage"...because at times it came on too quickly to
for me, and I was too angry at that point to explain my moods within paragraphs. So I would grunt "riba-rage", and the two kids would go running away from me.
Unfortunately, I was never able to train my husband or friends, in this same manner.
You have my utmost respect, for being able to function in the work place. I was fortunate enough to be able to work at home, but the people who have to go off to work always amaze me~
I know very well of "riba rage" aka as the "divorce drug". My insurance company changed mail order pharmacies without letting me know and have been working for 4 days trying to provide them info on co-pay assistance, faxes to the dr, my personal financial info. To top it off: They gave me a fax # that wasn::t properly working Seriously!!! I have the transmit report that says "no response". I faxed from my business and my bank. Their IT dept basically said I was a liar. After the 6th try, if finally went through. I am out of interferon and only a few days left of ribavirin. Have one weeks worth of IIncevik left. If they don't get it together, I am going to be kicked out of this tx program. And NO, I didn't wait to the last minute and so this is my fault. I had called to place my order and found out from them, my insurance co. changed pharmacies on me. "thanks insurance co for the notice", now 6 days later waiting around for their decision. If I could have have gotten through the phone line I would have killed the people at the end of it. Yes, I am so freakin crazy at this point I don't dare go outside!!! Several of us can fully understand what you are going through and how debilitating it can be because we are going through it also. Hange in there. Think I will turn off my phone, take a xanax and go back to sleep even though it is only 11:20 a.m.
Give yourself a break. At least you know you're a a$$, can you imagine if you were an a$$ to people all the time and you didn't even know it? lol When you're an a$$hole to someone you're gonna have to step up to the plate and give that person an apology for your actions, maybe even explain to them how bad you're feeling if you're able to. If you're not normally the type of person to aplogize to people then you need to change that aspect about yourself and get real before you lose everyone you hold dear to you. Sometimes, Ribavarin has a rash of sx's and you need to be prepared. good luck!
i havent been on here for a bit so i was glad to see this post first off. this is my second time treating. first time was a flop for me as well. i have recently sat at home alone after work and cried wondering if this is all worth it. my kids think im crazy...actually they compare the riba-rage to my crystal meth days...not good memories. my mind is so scattered i dont even know what week im on of my meds...(18th week maybe)..im more emotional than ever...the littlest thing sets me off..and then my head clears (for a minute) and im like what the hell was that...ive tried to explain to people its my meds, but i think they believe im making it up..im going to be very honest right now....sobriety and treatment have been a very isolated road for me..
"billy,,,,I really am not sure how these menstural cycles go....... "
What kind of bike is that? Smaller then a harley yet bigger then a moped?
This is a case of size doesn't matter. These cycles are only ridden by females who ride where they want, how they want, and when the want. Law enforcement is afraid to pull over these riders due to their severe rage. Don't get in their way, cause they'll run you over and you'll have a bloody mess...... :-)
Capefig, don't dispair. These meds seriously screw with your mind. During certain periods of tx when I felt angry, frustrated and full of rage, that I couldn't explain to my wife how or why I felt that way, since I really didn't understand it myself. Those going through tx on this forum surely understand, but even those close to you see you as normal, but don't understand what's going on inside. Hopefully those close to you will have some compassion for you.
Try to do some things you enjoy in the meantime. If possible, try to get outside, get some fresh air, some minor exercise if you feel up to it. Be easy on yourself. This will be over soon. Good luck.
Hi Capefig,pls hang on there, I ve been having horrible days like you,wandering if I ever be normal again and feeling to quit many times. I screem at my husband for no reason ,I do not think he has a clue how I really feel.I also have a better days and some days I am laughing for no reason.It is insane .But going back to this forum keeps me still going,here are the only people who understand.So stay in touch often for support,it is tough but you can do it!!!
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