How do I tell him? WHO is the carrier??

[sirena210]

I am old enough to know better and to communicate better! I had sex 2 weeks ago with a man I have been seeing off and on over the past 2 years.  It is a long distance relationship, we are both in our late 40's.  We have had sex about 5 times in the 2 years, and this relationship has been very slow starting and we are both very cautious people when it comes to sharing our feelings, both having been hurt.  He is not the best communicator in between visits, but we do text back and forth. He is the only man i have been sexual with in the last 5 years! Each time we have had sex, he has always used condoms, every time...has been very consistent and responsible.  This last time, in the heat of the moment, I suggested not using one. We had a 2 second conversation, basically that we agreed to trust each other. Now I realize how silly, especially at our ages, that was.  I am trying not to get caught up in self blame as it doesn't help anything! The point is, about a week later I noticed i was very sore on one side of my outer labia, looked, and saw a raised patch with a red ring around it. I went to Planned Parenthood, and am waiting for the culture results, but the Dr. said it looks like Herpes, and her hunch is HSV 1.  SHe also said Herpes has been given a "bad rap" in that on the pyramid of STI's, it is one that is better to get than some others..she said she is NOT downplaying the psychological impact however.  SHe said it is a very complicated situation as far as When, Who, How, etc.   I have not told the man i was with yet, I feel very confused and sad and angry at MYSELF, and him, a little...but also compassionate for both of us.  My questions:  Am I the carrier and could have gotten it years ago from someone else, and am having a first outbreak??  If so, I need to tell this man I am carrying it!!  OR, did this current man give it to me, and if so, did he KNOW he had it, or not?? If he did, should I be angry??  Maybe he is just ignorant or embarrassed about it.  Do people ever "wait" to tell someone after they have gotten to know them a little better??  He doesn't communicate with me well until we are in person, and so should i wait and tell him in person, not knowing when out next meeting will be?? Or should I write him an email if it looks like we won't be seeing each other very soon??  The last time I heard from him was on Valentine's Day when he emailed me a sweet card, one week after we had been together.  I have sent texts since then, but he hasn't responded yet, which is sometimes just how he is.  But I am getting paranoid that maybe he also got blisters and is freaked out and is avoiding me, IF i somehow gave it to HIM!!  HELP!!  I need clarity and advice from others experience!! thanks!!!

[sirena210]

I asked my provider why she didn't mention the option of having a blood test along with the culture that was taken.  She knew I was confused about who may have infected me, and it seems from what i've read that if a blood text came back negative I would at least know it was a new infection!
She said something about how they focus on treatment there (Planned Parenthood) and that's why she didn't offer it, but said I could have one if I wanted to.  She said the igg blood test isn't that accurate because antibodies from a new infection increase at first but then go down, or something like that..?  She said the igm test is more accurate as far as figuring out if it is not a new infection because it measures "persistent" antibodies.  She said that I could still have the igm test, that it's not too late to have it to rule out that whether or not i was infected before this outbreak, but she's going to check with a lab to be sure.  
I still am amazed that they wouldn't understand more fully WHY someone would want to know if thier infection was NEW, and want a blood test along with a culture to know this!  
Does any of this sound accurate to you?

[sirena210]

thanks for answering again...I seem to be having a delayed emotional reaction to all this, feel very depressed today and have been crying a lot..  Intellectually I KNOW herpes is not the end of the world and there are far more serious STDs but it just changes everything...  Its hard enough for this man in my life to reach out to me sometimes, and even though I really like your suggestion of what to say in a message, I'm very scared he won't call me back because he might be scared, he might feel very very guilty if he did already have it, and even though my tone in the message won't be angry, it will be caring, he has a lot of trust and abandonment issues, and may retreat.   I really really want to talk to him in person, it's the best way with us.  But not knowing when he can get together again, it could be a while. I know you said the longer i wait to tell him, the more suspicious he might be when I do tell him,l that i was hiding it.  Did you mean he might think (IF he is not the one who gave it to me and didn't have it himself) I had it before and knew i did?? or did you mean something else..?

wow, you guys DO work at it with those schedules!! 2x a month would be amazing for me and the man I'm seeing...hmmm...also wondering how far apart you live?

[gracefromHHP]

we see each other 2x/month on average. he works 2 jobs, I work nights and have kids.  It's been hard work but we make it work. Advantage of being long out of our 20's I think ;)

I'd just say that you went to the doctors this week and received some surprising news and you two need to talk about it.  That way he knows that it's a health related issue and hopefully gets back to you one way or the other. Just let him know that you've been diagnosed with herpes, aren't sure if it's a newly acquired infection or not and that he'll need tested to know his own status so that you can make educated decisions together about what precautions to take when you see each other from here on out when you do get a chance to talk more to him about it. That presents it as being non-accusatory as well as doesn't make it seem like it's a run for the hills situation - it's something to deal with a rational adults.  If you had this prior to meeting him, you can get his risk for contracting hsv2 from you down to 1%/year if he doesn't have it already.  

[sirena210]

Or telling him why I need to talk to him might cause him to run for the hills!!  he is someone who is NOT a good communicator, expects you to read his mind, takes a long time to think things through... And won't he feel a lot of guilt if he knows he has herpes and then gave it to me?? I need to figure out what message to leave on his phone for him to call me back, and he rarely does, partly because of our opposite schedules, which is why he texts. You're right, I too think he would have contacted me if he had symptoms, but I'm not certain of that...believe it or not we are really still just getting to know each other...have only spent 5 times together in 2 years, and talked on the phone a handful of times, mostly texting.

just curious, how long distance is your relationship, how many hours apart? and how often do you see each other?

Hey, maybe if I seemed more helpless things would go better with myself and this guy! i can relate, have taken care of myself mostly for years! i know when i asked this guy to help me figure out how to use my cellphone he jumped right on it!!  ancient programming i guess!

[gracefromHHP]

There aren't any set "rules" for this - especially in this sort of situation.  do you what works for you and your situation. If he's in the "non-talking" mood, telling him why you need to talk to him might be the trigger for him to know he has to make contact with you.  I would think that if he had symptoms he would've contacted you but then again I don't know this guy to know his reaction.  

My bf and I laugh about my not needing him too...lol. I'm trying to learn how to be helpless about some things - hard to pretend I can't change a light bulb when I've been doing it myself for most of my life....he he he Thankfully every time my daughter touches the lawn mower it seems to break so that keeps him feeling needed all summer long and saves me from having to haul it off to the shop all the time to get fixed!

[sirena210]

yes, I did ask him after he asked me.  He looked into my eyes, seemed very sincere and matter of fact, and said he had not been with another soul, that he had been dedicated to his work (for the months we hadn't seen each other).  And I believe him about work.  
I agree that long distance relationships are best handled by those of us who are "old enough" and mature enough!  Girl, you got that right.....I'm on the same page as far as not necessarily wanting a man around all the time - and this guy knows I am like that, sometimes has made sort of teasing comments about it to me!  But I DO like more communication than he offers at times! For instance, he hasn't contacted me for 2.5 weeks and I am very STRESSED that one possibility is that he was infected with herpes by me and is angry...but I am projecting this and have no idea if it's true, cause i don't now who infected who, if either of us did??!!  But then again, this has been his pattern all along, to be "silent" for a week or 3, and then contact me out of the blue and write very regularly for awhile, and I have partially come to accept that it's just how he is.  I emailed him last night about getting together this weekend - I really really want to talk about this in person.

Am i right to feel that sending him a letter telling him would be very awkward??? Better in person??