How do I tell him? WHO is the carrier??

[sirena210]

I am old enough to know better and to communicate better! I had sex 2 weeks ago with a man I have been seeing off and on over the past 2 years.  It is a long distance relationship, we are both in our late 40's.  We have had sex about 5 times in the 2 years, and this relationship has been very slow starting and we are both very cautious people when it comes to sharing our feelings, both having been hurt.  He is not the best communicator in between visits, but we do text back and forth. He is the only man i have been sexual with in the last 5 years! Each time we have had sex, he has always used condoms, every time...has been very consistent and responsible.  This last time, in the heat of the moment, I suggested not using one. We had a 2 second conversation, basically that we agreed to trust each other. Now I realize how silly, especially at our ages, that was.  I am trying not to get caught up in self blame as it doesn't help anything! The point is, about a week later I noticed i was very sore on one side of my outer labia, looked, and saw a raised patch with a red ring around it. I went to Planned Parenthood, and am waiting for the culture results, but the Dr. said it looks like Herpes, and her hunch is HSV 1.  SHe also said Herpes has been given a "bad rap" in that on the pyramid of STI's, it is one that is better to get than some others..she said she is NOT downplaying the psychological impact however.  SHe said it is a very complicated situation as far as When, Who, How, etc.   I have not told the man i was with yet, I feel very confused and sad and angry at MYSELF, and him, a little...but also compassionate for both of us.  My questions:  Am I the carrier and could have gotten it years ago from someone else, and am having a first outbreak??  If so, I need to tell this man I am carrying it!!  OR, did this current man give it to me, and if so, did he KNOW he had it, or not?? If he did, should I be angry??  Maybe he is just ignorant or embarrassed about it.  Do people ever "wait" to tell someone after they have gotten to know them a little better??  He doesn't communicate with me well until we are in person, and so should i wait and tell him in person, not knowing when out next meeting will be?? Or should I write him an email if it looks like we won't be seeing each other very soon??  The last time I heard from him was on Valentine's Day when he emailed me a sweet card, one week after we had been together.  I have sent texts since then, but he hasn't responded yet, which is sometimes just how he is.  But I am getting paranoid that maybe he also got blisters and is freaked out and is avoiding me, IF i somehow gave it to HIM!!  HELP!!  I need clarity and advice from others experience!! thanks!!!

[gracefromHHP]

it doesn't take 3 months to develop detectable antibiodies - in fact about 1/2 of folks get + igg results just 2-3 weeks into being infected. You testing + at this point wouldn't be worthwhile as to figuring out who had it first. We recommend waiting 3 or 4 months to test because by that point, the majority of people infected with herpes have seroconverted for their infections to be detected on the herpes igg blood tests we currently use.

honey I work 12 hour nights and I find the time to stop in here and help folks every single day.  I might not answer my phone while I'm sleeping or at work but I do get back to folks who call  as well as I make the time to talk to my children and my bf every single day as well as I keep in touch with my friends regularly too.  don't make excuses for him - remind him that you are supposed to be an important part of his life so he should act like it!    this is something important to you and he needs to acknowledge that and should be supporting you while you are going through this.

[sirena210]

Thanks Mistakeguy!! He is VERY hard to communicate with at times...except in person, then it's much better....I am torn about trying to call him and leaving a message saying I gotta talk to him about something, and it's a bit awkward, or waiting until we get together the next time...and I don't know when that will be.  you see, he and I have opposite schedules and live over 3 hours apart...and he works 12 all night shifts, and overtime..so doesn't answer his phone much!!  Anyway, you're right....I need to slap him around when I have access to him next!!  LOL!  I needed a laugh, thanks again!

[Mistakeguy789]

As I said also you sometimes write off the symptoms because you don't think anything of it.  Bad yeast infection or something else.  When you don't worry about herpes if you have a mild outbreak you aren't going to worry about it.  Some people do have a mild outbreak.  If people don't know what to look for they don't think they have HSV.  When you get an outbreak that is more severe which does happen sometimes you start to think of it and get it checked.

Blood testing is diffcult because each person is different.  Some people build up antibodies faster and by 2 weeks will test positive.  So there is no way you would know if you had this a while or if it is new.  If you got a negative test now it could mean you didn't have it or that the test missed it.  

Men are more likely to transmit the virus than women.  

If you got herpes from him then you could say he already knows.  But something to remember is that not every encounter will lead to transmission.  It can happen but not all the time.  Your partner himself should get tested to know his own status.  Though if he is hard at communicating with then you may have to slap him around.

[sirena210]

Your reply makes much more sense, thanks! Now I'm even more worried that i could have had this for years and given it to the relatively new partner I was with a few weeks before my outbreak!
but Mistakeguy789 says there is always an initial outbreak and it's usually the worst, which is what my doc told me. so again, and sorry if I am repeating myself, wouldn't I have noticed some symptoms??

Now I am thinking maybe I should have the blood test to determine if the virus was in my system BEFORE this outbreak? Is there still time to do this???? My sexual contact was about 3 weeks ago, blisters appeared a week later, and I had the swab taken a week after that. If antibodies don't start showing up in your blood until about 3 months from the time of being infected, if I have a blood test now that is positive for HSV 2, does that definitively mean I was infected before the most recent sexual contact?

One more question:  Is it more difficult for the virus to pass from a woman to a man, than the other way around?  and is it possible for 2 people to develop symptoms at the same time? How likely is it that I am the one with the virus and not my partner? IF i am the carrier, could he have had an outbreak after sex with me 3 weeks ago too??  what i mean is, what are the chances of him having a first outbreak at the same time as myself???  I am so worried that it is why I haven't heard from him in a couple of weeks, that he is covered in blisters and is freaked out!!!  Yet I know that it's likely maybe i got it from him.  THis is so awkward and complicated!! sorry for such a long post, and thanks for help with any or all questions!!

[gracefromHHP]

my reply should've said years, not yeast...lol. darn fingers!  sorry about the confusion. perhaps my reply makes more sense now?

[Mistakeguy789]

The answer is your inital outbreak is the worst usually.  But it can be mild.  It is different for each person as each body is different.  

The other side is you can have a worse outbreak from time to time.  Though it is typically not something that happens but you can also notice the symptoms from time to time if you are thinking about the area.  

You will always have an inital outbreak.  It is just some people don't know what the symptoms are and ignore it.  Or they ignore the symptoms as something else.