How do I tell him? WHO is the carrier??

[sirena210]

I am old enough to know better and to communicate better! I had sex 2 weeks ago with a man I have been seeing off and on over the past 2 years.  It is a long distance relationship, we are both in our late 40's.  We have had sex about 5 times in the 2 years, and this relationship has been very slow starting and we are both very cautious people when it comes to sharing our feelings, both having been hurt.  He is not the best communicator in between visits, but we do text back and forth. He is the only man i have been sexual with in the last 5 years! Each time we have had sex, he has always used condoms, every time...has been very consistent and responsible.  This last time, in the heat of the moment, I suggested not using one. We had a 2 second conversation, basically that we agreed to trust each other. Now I realize how silly, especially at our ages, that was.  I am trying not to get caught up in self blame as it doesn't help anything! The point is, about a week later I noticed i was very sore on one side of my outer labia, looked, and saw a raised patch with a red ring around it. I went to Planned Parenthood, and am waiting for the culture results, but the Dr. said it looks like Herpes, and her hunch is HSV 1.  SHe also said Herpes has been given a "bad rap" in that on the pyramid of STI's, it is one that is better to get than some others..she said she is NOT downplaying the psychological impact however.  SHe said it is a very complicated situation as far as When, Who, How, etc.   I have not told the man i was with yet, I feel very confused and sad and angry at MYSELF, and him, a little...but also compassionate for both of us.  My questions:  Am I the carrier and could have gotten it years ago from someone else, and am having a first outbreak??  If so, I need to tell this man I am carrying it!!  OR, did this current man give it to me, and if so, did he KNOW he had it, or not?? If he did, should I be angry??  Maybe he is just ignorant or embarrassed about it.  Do people ever "wait" to tell someone after they have gotten to know them a little better??  He doesn't communicate with me well until we are in person, and so should i wait and tell him in person, not knowing when out next meeting will be?? Or should I write him an email if it looks like we won't be seeing each other very soon??  The last time I heard from him was on Valentine's Day when he emailed me a sweet card, one week after we had been together.  I have sent texts since then, but he hasn't responded yet, which is sometimes just how he is.  But I am getting paranoid that maybe he also got blisters and is freaked out and is avoiding me, IF i somehow gave it to HIM!!  HELP!!  I need clarity and advice from others experience!! thanks!!!

[sirena210]

Hmm.....I reread my question and realize it was a little confusing, and probably why I don't understand your answer.  Basically I am asking IF it's true that the first outbreak is usually the worst, then WHY would you have milder symptoms for months or years BEFORE one that you really notice??
So ARE you saying that you CAN have Herpes 2 for months or years with just mild symptoms and then at some point you can have a bad outbreak randomly, for no apparent reason?? I keep reading that the first outbreak is the WORST!!  but does it mean that you can be infected with Herpes 2 for weeks or years and later have your first full fledged outbreak??!!  Thanks and i hope this is clear!  I have not had a yeast or any other symptoms of infection for many years!  SO can I assume that I was just RECENTLY infected with Herpes 2?

[gracefromHHP]

yes you can be infected for yeast and not realize it until you get an ob that is obvious enough to make you take notice and go and get properly tested.

some recurrences are worse than others.

[sirena210]

I am a little confused about what you said about 1/2 of all new infections are actually new.  I've been reading, and was told by the clinic where I was tested, that the first outbreak is usually the worst....  but you're saying you can have symptoms that aren't obvious for a time period, maybe even years, and then have an obvious outbreak?  So do you not agree that the first actual symptoms/outbreak is NOT the worst??  

thanks for all of your time and patience in this... I am alternately freaking out and putting it out of my mind.....  It's upsetting to think that I could have gotten HSV 2 from having sex just ONCE without protection, but then again, the clinic said i could have gotten it from this man even when he was wearing a condom, which he always has (the 4 other times we have had sex).  I'm feeling GUILTY and bad that it was ME who asked HIM in the heat of the moment if we could go without the condom that time! It wasn't fair of me to put him on the spot like that....I really don't think he thought he could give Herpes to me (IF he has it) because maybe he really doesn't know you can infect someone without having symptoms.    

[gracefromHHP]

http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Herpes/How-do-I-tell-him-WHO-is-the-carrier/show/1470655  try this link to find them if you are getting replies via email.

[gracefromHHP]

you can get hsv2 orally but odds are that you won't. if you didn't have any sore throat type symptoms by now, odds are you didn't contract it orally.

did you also have any blood testing for herpes done too or just a lesion culture?

studies have shown that about 1/2 of all presumed newly acquired infections aren't and are just the first obvious recurrence of a previous infection. The way we figure that out is if you have igg blood testing done at the time of symptoms and it's +, that means you were infected previously and this is just your first obvious recurrence.  About 80% of folks who have genital herpes, get obvious symptoms, just most of them either aren't noticing them or aren't attributing them to herpes as a cause.  

yes your posts are showing up in the patient to patient herpes forum. I couldn't see them to reply if they weren't :)

[sirena210]

I got the official diagnosis today, the culture was positive for Herpes 2....am a bit down, guess i was still hoping that maybe it wasn't Herpes at all!  The doc said on a scale of 1-10 as far as the actual blisters looked, my first outbreak was about a  3.  I felt sore, and it got worse for about a day, then healed.  All in all, not that bad. And I have read the first outbreak is usually the worst, which she confirmed.  She said she wasn't at all downplaying the psychological stress from this, but that compared to chlamydia, gonorrhea, HIV...HSV is not so bad - no major health impact from it as with those other STD's.  

I have several questions for you that i forgot to ask her:  IF I got this from the man I was with 2.5 weeks ago, and I also performed oral sex with him, without a condom....could I have gotten HSV 2 on my mouth?? OR does HSV 2 almost always manifest in the genital area?  Now that I have it, and IF i am ever sexual with this man again, is there a risk of getting an outbreak on my mouth if i do oral sex with him?

also, do you know how any statistics on how many people have their first outbreak many years after actually being infected??  I am wondering if i could have gotten this from someone else years ago. OR is it too coincidental that I had an outbreak right after unprotected sex with this current man?

Last question:  Are these posts showing up in the general Herpes Forum?? I go there and don't see my question!

thanks for all of your time and help with this!!