Do I just walk away?

[sthrn_fairytale]

My Boyfriend that I have been with for 2 yrs. has had MS for 11 yrs. But all in all he is doing good. He has his moments and episodes, but has learned to cope as best he can. My ? is, I know that it causes bad irritability, and he will get upset and frustrated at the littlest things. Sometimes will use language, and says things harshly, or is just crabby over everything. What am I to do? I know that stress only causes more onset symptoms and fatigue. But sometimes I get so frustrated, and I talk to him calmly and explain, I know this is more than difficult, but you need to learn to try to control your anger and frustration as you have learned to cope and control other issues you have. I know all of this is easier said than done.I know sometimes he cannot control everything, and I'm not expecting that. But I feel sometimes that it's used as an excuse to be crabby. I could be wrong. But what do I do? Stand there and be talked to negatively or walk away?

[Lulu54]

Jensequitir has excellent advice that I agree with 110%.  You are building this relationship and it won't be a health one if you are always in the caretaker role.  

Yoiu have lots of good tips and ideas here from everyone and now is the hard part - actually adopting and implementing some of them.

Goodl uck with getting him back to therapy - it sounds like it could be helpful to him.

best,
Lulu

[jensequitur]

I have a big sign on my desk that says LOOK.  I find it only works if I can see it!  It usually gets buried among all the other post-its.

Well, you're not getting paid for abuse.  Sometimes you have to just say "Hey, this goes over the line."  There has to be a line somewhere.  Relationships are hard work, and you shouldn't be in the position of caregiver too.  He probably has no idea that he's causing this kind of friction.

I'll bet he's got an attitude at work, which may be hurting him professionally.  I have terrible attitude problems - I'm always mouthing off or getting angry, when I need to stop and think.  Or LOOK.

[HVAC]

Have you had any care giver support? My husband finds the programs through the NMSS to be helpful. He calls me on it when I am getting out of line. There has to communication and a relationship has to feel safe. If you or he feels you have to walk on eggshells around each other that is no good.

I have a lot of pain and real anger issues but that means I have to work harder on how I deal with them. I not only have to deal with my husband but many other people for probably thirty more years. I have to learn to deal with my emotions appropriately. I knew I was in trouble and signed up for counseling.

There is also a couple teleconference and sometimes live workshop for couples through the NMSS which helped us a great deal.

Alex

[sthrn_fairytale]

Yes it does, and I do not think he can say that I lack patience lol. And yes, a lot of it is the stress of things. His job is pretty stressful for him, he said he gets to the point he doesn't want to be there, but i know he likes his job. But my thing in all this is...I know things are hard on him, but I feel he needs to learn to stop and breathe before saying things. I feel sometimes people with illnesses have a tendency to think they have a right to treat people a certain way because they are sick and they feel we cannot sympathize or understand them. I was a CNA for many yrs. and this is what patients who were ill did quite frequently, I...was the whipping post. I couldn't clean or cook right, I didn't bathe them right and so on. So do I bite my lip or do I approach him calmly and say do not take it out on me.

[jensequitur]

Speaking personally, I'm not one to have anger issues, but I've had a lot of them in the last few years.  I think it's either the MS, or the stress of having a disease.  Either way, it takes a lot of patience!

[Sumanadevii]

Good........sthrn....I think you may find a happier guy once he has had Tysabri a few months.  It has made all the difference in the world for me.

I want to add..He is one lucky guy.  My husband is as kind to me as you are to him.  Some of us just had good karma to land such beautiful partners.

Sumana

[sthrn_fairytale]

Actually, he is not in a lot of pain for the most part. When he was taking his weekly shot, it made him feel horrible. He got fevers, then cold chills and ached all over. He went off that and now is on Tysabri. He had his first infusion last month and took it wonderfully. He has been on Avonex and capaxone. The Capaxone did nothing for him, he had a relapse and had new lesions on his brain. So they decided to go with the Tysabri. Other than tired and stressed he has actually been feeling better. He has more energy and has gained weight back.

[sthrn_fairytale]

Wow, is all I can say! lol Thank you so much for the kind words. And yes, I am very committed to him, but he is as well for me. We have had ups and downs of course, but as I stated before, we have grown together beautifully. He is an amazing, wonderful man, and I remind him this all the time. I actually mentioned to him 2day that I feel he needs to his therapist and let things out. As I said, he had been going, it was just a month or so ago he stopped because of his relapse of his MS and was not feeling up to the visits. When I mentioned it he said o.k. Normally when hes feeling a certain way he tells me. But he said, Baby, I'm ok I'm just tired right now. That makes me feel a lil better lol. And yes I will update. ty again!



Leslie,

[Sumanadevii]

I agree with all the above but would add...what is his pain level?  Sometimes pain can make people very very crabby.

[Sparkysarah]

What a lovely person you are and how lucky your partner is to have met you.
I sense that you really want to commit to him, to support him and be there for him but as you are aware it is a two way relationship and this commitment must be on both sides. I would really encourage him to continue with his therapy and to work on his anger management. As sg 400 suggested it does not matter if the anger is MS related or other things but it is easier to blame it on something medical than perhaps look at other things? His therapist should be able to help him make sense of all this and if I was working with him I would try and help him understand how the anger manifests itself in his body, to make him be aware of the triggers and early indicators that he may feel (such as beating heart, adrenaline rush) to try and help him find coping mechanisms to deal with it it a healthy way. Anger is an expression of emotion and and energy and it is good to express it as is shifts the negative energy...but as I said in a positive way rather than perhaps an aggressive way.

Anyhow keep on his side hunni, we all need positive people in our lives to help us remain strong and let us know how things go for you.

Cheers for now

Sarah x

[sthrn_fairytale]

He has a mixture of things of why he was seeing the therapist. And we have been working it out the best we can. But we also feel sometimes it is what it is. That he has the MS and cannot change it. When he met me he ended up not putting himself out there with me because he was afraid to "drag someone down with him". I have calmly over these few yrs. reassured him that he is NOT a burden to me, and I am the one making the choice to be drug anywhere and I am ready for it. So he's gotten to the point now he feels with relationships and life he keeps putting it on hold because of his fears of his sickness. He's soon to be 41, has never been married and never had children. We have found a beautiful relationship with eachother. And I am willing to do what it takes for us to be happy and him to be comfortable and healthy mentally and spiritually.

[sg400]

Perhaps the anger issue has nothing to do with his MS, perhaps it does. Either way the result to you is the same. I would strongly recommend working that out before you move in together. Learning to live with someone can be very stressful, throw in a medical issue and I bet that multiplies significantly.
Good luck to you both.  

[sthrn_fairytale]

Thank you to both of you for answering to my post. Furballsmom, as of now we do live in seperate homes. I only stay with him on the weekends. When I am there I clean the house and get him caught up for the week so he doesn't have to do much or anything so he can rest up for his next week of work. But in a couple of months we will be moving in together. We are definately not giving up on the relationship, it has actually really blossomed we are great together. And hbananas, he had been seeing a therapist and was doing great. He ended up having a relapse of his MS that was pretty bad, so he started cancelling appt. that he had due to fatigue and not feeling well. And now hasn't been going. So I can see that emotionally he is struggling with the stress of work and the moving in. So he needs to go back. I can mention to him I feel he needs to go back so he can clear his head. Hopefully he will do so, and can quiet himself inside his own head. Thank you again for your responses

[hbananas]

Since your boyfriend has a chronic illness that causes him mental health problems, I wonder if he is getting supportive treatment for his psychological ills like he does for his physical ills?  Perhaps his MSologist could recommend a good neuropsychologist.  One who would also include you in some sessions so you can cope together better.

[FurballsMom]

Maybe living in separate homes without giving up on the relationship would be a kinder way to handle things.