Having a rough time

[Longhorn00]

If you are having a bad day please skip this post.  I try so hard to be positive and not a downer but my life is reaching new lows and i have no one to talk to  and I thought maybe it would help me if could at least get some of this out.  This is nothing more than a selfish, depressing post and I shouldn't even be writing it at all.  I don''t want to bring anyone down, so please skip this if you are in need of something uplifting to read.

Things have gotten realy bad physically and mentally.  The headaches-back of my scull mostly have reached a point of pain that is indescrible.  Nothing works except completely knocking myself out with a handful of pain pills.  I am so exhausted that walking to the bathroom is a major effort and then I have to sit there forever, feeling like I have to urinate desperatly but can only get out a trickle.  My right leg and arm feel like they weigh a ton, ache horribly, have icy shooting pains and I can barely move my arm at all.  My vision is all messed up and I keep walking into the walls and can barely focus as I try to type this.  I am so weak that it's taken me over 20 minutes just to type these few lines.

My insurance company has denied my referrals to see another neuro because they say that since I haven't been diagnosed with MS I don't need a MS specialist.  My PCP's office is so sick of fighting with my insurance company that they told me that they'd appreciate it if I would find another doctor, and now all of my calls & emails to my doctor are now being ignored.

My husband refuses to believe that there is anything wrong with because the 2 brain MRIs I had 2 yrs ago showed nothing but a brain tumor (which supposedly is "common and nothing to worry about"), no lesions.  When I tried to explain to him about how they wer done on a 1T, not accordding to protocol, none done on my spine, etc. he said  I was just a lazy hypocondriac that spent too much time on the internet and to shut up about it.  I try and try to pretend that I am feeling better than I do, but lately I am so exhausted and in so much pain I just can't.  Yesterday he made me run all over town doing errands with him and when he suggested lunch, I told him I was just wasn't up to it and really needed to go home, he started screaming at me and calling me a lazy, whiny c***.  Told me I was useless and that he was sick to death of me laying around all the time like a fat cow (I am 105lbs) and that I made him sick and that he wanted a divorce.  Then he told me to get the hell out of his car, slowed down and actually shoved me out of.  So then I got to stumble home, bleeding and shaking and crying.  After I finally made it home he completely ignored me and left for a trip.

I just don't know what to do anymore.  My insurance, as crappy as it is, is thru him as I have been out of work for over a year and try as I might I haven't been able to get another job.  I have no money--what little I had  was invested and is now worth practically nothing.  My family is on the other side of the country, they are broke too and have their hands full of their own problems and are in no position at all to help me even if they wanted to.  What friends I had are long gone because they all loathe my husband and my stupidity for marrying him, so I have nowhere to go, no one to turn to and I am so depressed that I just want to go to bed and never wake up again.  But I have a dog that I love more than anything else in the world, and there is no one to take care of him if I'm gone, so I can't take the easy way out and leave him alone--my husband would no doubt dump him off at a shelter and I just can't let that happen.

I am just at a loss as to what to do.  The old me would have already packed her bags and left my s.o.b. husband, filed for divorce, and waited tables if need be, but I don't even have the strength the pull my damn suitcase down off of the shelf.  Not to mention, I am completely incapable of driving my car because it's a stick and my right arm is totally useless at the moment.  I am just so sick and tired of being sick and tired and useless.   I don't even know who I am anymore.

I don''t even know why I am posting this--again I am sorry, it really isn't fair of me to come on here and be such a downer.  I just really have nowhere else to go and no one at all to talk to about any of this.  Thank you for letting me get this out.

K

[buriedinfur]

Good for you hun! Glad you are moving on it. That's awesome. It's so hard to be in an abusive relationship, but doing it with all of this too - wow. And I'm glad you found help for your dog too.

Once you get rid of him you may well find that life is easier to deal with just because of that. It's amazing how soul sucking they can be.

Best wishes. Power to you.

[michy1]

Hi I am so sorry to hear what you are going through at the moment. I can see you have had some good advice from other members. So I won't repeat it but I would say I think you would benefit talking to your GP about how your feeling and how it is affecting your mood. I am a mental health nurse who works in the community and know you could benefit from having a community nurse to talk to for support, if you could gain some strenght mentally it will make you feel a bit more in control. I know it won't take all your problems away but may help you to cope with everything a bit.
Good luck michelle

[Longhorn00]

Thank you all for your kind words of support and advice.  I can't tell you how much they mean to me today.  It really helps to know that I am not completely alone.

I think that I have found an organization to help with my dog, and once I can make sure that he is safe and cared for properly then I think I'll be able to deal with myself a little better.  Everything is just so much more difficult and overwhelming right now because I am feeling so awful and I have no energy.  I hate this--MS or whatever it is that  I have.  It's just destroying me physically and mentally.

Thank you again for taking the time to respond--I really appreciate your comments and advice and hopefully I will be able to post much more positive news next time.  I have made a few phone calls to some of the places suggested, and hopefully I will be able to get myself out of here soon and be able to post something positive.

Thank you again for your support and have a wonderful day.  And for all of you out there going through this insane MS misery, I am so sorry for you and I so wish that I could do something to make things easier for you.  No one should have to go through this.

K

[Lulu54]

K- There are lots of things in your post I want to respond to, so lets start at the top, ok?
Never ever ever feel bad about posting your true feelings here - it is healthy to do so and for many of us necessary release of stress and tension.  For you this posting can literally be a lifeline if you have no one else to turn to right now.  I'm sorry you are in such a solitary situation.

2) your dog - I understand the commitment to a pet andperhaps you can find a rescue organization in your area to take temporary custody while you sort out your new livining arrangements.  I know we have such groups here that will help with your family pet while undergoing life changes.

3) Your symptoms sound very real to me  so please don't give up on trying to be diagnosed.  The horror of MS is that often you look fine and only the person trapped in that body knows how really bad off they are.  

4) The contempt shown by your husband by dumping you on the street, name calling, belittling you is abuse.  This type of mistreatment can only spiral downward to the point that he not only gives you verbal lashings but will start striking out physcially.  he is a bully and you must get around now, not later. in your condition you have no way of defending yourself.  Do not hesitate to call 911 at the first sign of escalation. Can you imagine as bad as you feel already and throw in some broken bones or seerious black and blue bruising?  Do not take a chance - he has not right to ever treat you like this.

5) I went back and checked on your profile and was reminded about your post about TriCare Prime.  What branch of the service is your SOB husband in?  The first place to reach out to is going to be his command officer.  None of the service branches tolerate spousal abuse and they will stay on top of this if you let them know what is going on in your home.  Also, contact family services on your local base for temporary housing needs, or to lock him out if you are in military housing.  If you are retired military then read on.

6) You don't indicate your age, so in case you are retired military, the above doesn't apply but you need to know as the spouse, after so many years you are entitled to full medical benefits, regardless of your marriage status to him.  A representative from Family Services at your local military installation can help you begin understanding your rights.  

7) From what you wrote, it really sounds like you need more help and I hope you will take everyone's suggestion to contact your local Battered Women's shelter for assistance.  The sooner you put this behind you the sooner you can move on to living your life .

I hope you will stay in touch here and keep us informed.  If nothing else, we are good listeners.

My heartfelt best wishes for you to be safe and be strong,
Lulu

[Deb61]

I am so sorry, sweetie.  I don't think there's any advice I could give you that would be the "right" advice.  Right now, you've hit rock bottom.  I do think that you need to find a way out of this situation with your husband.  This is a very bold and scary move, not to mention one that is going to take every bit of determination and strength from you.  

If you cannot call a woman's shelter, I'd certainly avoid any altercations with your husband until you have a secretive plan on getting yourself in a situation to leave him.  I would start planning and do it without any hint as to what you are doing.  Do not mention to him any concerns about your health and reserve that for him or your friends.  Do not give him revenge (just think it in your head and tell your friends exactly what you're thinking).  Put on a happy face and do some planning, sweetie.  Start looking for jobs that carry insurance, that you are able to do.  Maybe some people on this forum have some ideas.  

Regardless of how things eventually turn out with your husband, I think you need to gain more autonomy and independence from him.  When you are in a situation where you have your own job and insurance, then you may be in a place to shove HIM out the door.

If I were you this is what I'd be planning (this is just me, sweetie, but this is the picture I have in my head) . . .

Plan on keeping the house, etc. yourself.  The big day that you want him gone, I'd make sure that this is planned and totally unexpected AND you have changed the locks on the house, call several of your big, burly, tall male friends, place his things out on the curb, and call the police to get a restraining order against him.  Then, have a friend stay in your house for a while until he leaves completely.  File for divorce, then.  

If you have no way of keeping the house, then you'll need a different plan--one that requires moving.  I'd find a good job, first.  Then, I'd get your friends with helping you move. DO NOT tell him where you are moving to or when your move will be.  This, in my opinion, must be a surprise.  

Make sure you keep someone, aware of what you are planning.  If you have ANY more physical abuse, you MUST get yourself in a safe situation.  You MUST MUST MUST call for help from the police or women's shelter.  

When this b*stard is out of your life, start taking care of yourself, sweetie.  Find yourself a different PCP and different neuro.  I'm sorry, but there's nothing normal about a brain tumor.  

Keep posting, here.  There's a lot of people that can provide some support for you.  PLAN, PLAN, PLAN.  I'm sure your friends would be more than happy to help you move or to help with getting him out of the house.  Don't let that SOB hurt you again, sweetie.  

Hugs, Deb

[Heartshome]

First of all, you must get away from your husband. This is abuse and is against the law and cannot be tolerated.

Call a domestic abuse or a crisis hotline TODAY and they will help you to explore your options. I know that when you are exhausted that it just seems too much, but I have been there in the past and it only get worse never better.

Can you get state or federal aid? Can you find a legal-aid office to work with you on this?
Even if your family is having hard times, could they take you and your dog into their household--at least until you can pull together a plan?

If you husband wants a divorce, can you contact an attorney to be sure that you get your fair share of financial support?

There are many questions, but a crisis or domestic hotline knows all about this and can help you get started. Perhaps if you really are ready to move on without your husband your old friends might be willing to help.

Don't give up!!!! Your puppy loves you and all of us are here to listen and support you!

Lisa

[doni54]

You must never apologize for venting your problems and frustrations on this forum.  That is why we are here, to help each other.

Your situation with your husband does not sound good, I agree with Mary Kay, you need to get out of there.  It's bad enough to be sick, but to be abused on top of it, is not good.

I'm sending you strength and prayers. Please keep talking to us, we will help if we can.

Hugs
doni

[mary_kay]

My darling...there is help somewhere, but you have to be brave.  Is there a woman's shelter anywhere near?  I think there will be someone to babysit for your dog too. I know I would if I could...I have 3, what's 1 more!  Where do you live?  If you don't know where to start, or if there is no crisis hot line in the phone book, call Social Services or even the police and ask them for a resource. You MUST get out of that abusive situation ASAP.

Praying for you,
Mary Kay

[wonko]

{{{{((((Longhorn00))))}}}}

Hugs, Forum Style.

You are not selfish or wrong in any way to post.  Anyone can catch a case of "SATOBSAT" (sick and tired of being...)

I think it's a heck of a lot better to get it off your chest in good company, who understands, than to hold it all in.

I'm not wise enough to offer any great advice, I'm sure someone else will be along to do that, just letting you know we're here listening in the meantime.

I hope you can find something to do today that will bring you comfort...